I Have Never Been the Type to Try and Grab the Spotlight
by MindAtWork
Summary: The sequel to Waiting in the Wings For You. Alex and John continue to explore their relationship as John becomes more of a fixture in the Hamilton home. They work to balance love, family, and their jobs at the theatre. Implied In the Heights references, though not imperative to the context of the story.
1. Chapter 1

**Yo, thank you so much for checking out Part Two of the Wings 'verse. If you're new to my work please read Waiting in the Wings for You first as the sequel will not have context without it. Fair warning, I am back in school in addition to my full-time job and I have a some personal stuff that is draining both my time and creative energy, so please be aware that I may not be as consistent with my uploads. I try to update daily but there may be a productivity decrease in this story. With that said, here's some good, fluffy, caring Hamilton-Laurens family action.**

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I unlocked the door and called out to Alex. The apartment was dark and I kicked my shoes off by the door, adding them to the pile of Alex's and Philip's.

"Babe?" I called over the sound of the washer and wandered through his apartment to his bedroom.

He was sitting up against his headboard, Philip on top of him hugging him around his neck, both of them bare chested, blankets pulled up over Philip's back. They were sleeping fitfully, Alex sounding congested, Philip's mouth wide open, his little nose bright red. Alex still had his hand tangled in Philip's curls.

I sat on the edge of the bed, noting how warm it was, and rubbed Alex's thigh, my hand trailed up to Philip's back, his skin was cool and clammy. After a few minutes of my presence hanging in the air Alex startled awake, spiraling himself into a coughing fit. He held Philip tightly to give him more leverage to cough. I heard the gunk shaking loose in his chest.

"You're sick, too." I sighed.

Alex lie back into the pillows and resumed running his fingers through Philip's hair, "yeah," he licked his lips, "Typhoid Philip got me."

The buzzer on the washer startled me as I pouted at him empathetically, "of course he did. I'm sorry, darlin', I brought the stuff you asked me to, should I go get the grown up versions?"

He shook his head, "I'm fine, I keep enough shit on hand to choke a horse for me, I do shots of Dayquil like a Girls Gone Wild candidate."

I smiled at him, knowing how true it was, "what can I get you guys?"

"Water?"

"You got it," I patted his thigh and got up.

"And, Jack?"

I turned around.

"I'll give you twelve dollars and a raincheck for an orgasm if you switch over the laundry."

I smirked at him, "twelve dollars, huh?"

"That's all the cash in my wallet."

"I gotchu."

I went to the kitchen and filled up a cup of water and then went into the laundry closet. Philip's comforter was in the washer, I untangled it and threw it into the dryer with a few dryer sheets, setting the machine. Upon my return, Alex gratefully accepted my offering of the glass of water.

"Anything else?"

He shook his head and squeezed his eyes shut, swallowing hard and then letting out a shaky breath as another wave of nausea hit him.

"Poor babe." I sighed.

Alex weakly patted the bed next to him and I carefully crawled over him and Philip to take my spot by the wall. I could feel the chill of cold air coming through the old panes of the window, the warmth of the blankets inviting. I snuggled up to Alex, offering for him to curl against my chest, he shook his head, claiming that moving could be disastrous and I just pressed myself around him, feeling how cold and clammy his skin was, like Philip's.

"When did you get sick?" I asked.

"This afternoon. I know, according to germ theory, that Philip got me sick like a day ago or whatever, but I feel like the defining moment was giving him a bath at three a.m. last night to clean him up after he puked all over God and everything when he sneezed on my face."

I winced, "just, right…" I pulled a face at the thought.

"Oh, yeah, just, achoo and then all up in my shit."

"I wondered about the comforter."

"Funny story, that's the second time it's been washed in twenty-four hours."

"No…"

"Mhm, see how much fun being a dad is?" He managed a chuckle.

"Well, I'm glad I'm here now."

"God, you have no idea how glad I am that you're here. Lafayette okay? Show go alright?"

"Everything was fine, we all lived."

"Good." This seemed to make him relax.

"How is your bed so freaking cozy?"

"Electric blanket."

I smirked at him, "you would, cold blooded."

"It makes it feel less like sleeping alone." He shrugged.

"Well, I'm here now."

"It's also just cold and shitty out. I got this when we were in our first place and we had shitty heat, gets the job done."

Alex coughed again, this time disturbing Philip who sat up and wiped his eyes.

"Daddy?" Philip's voice was so small.

"What, baby?" Alex drank from his water cup to calm his coughing.

"I don't feel good."

"I know, baby. You feel like you're gonna be sick again?" He suddenly seemed fine, it was hard to believe that he was even sick.

He shook his head, "just don't feel good."

"Me either," Alex relaxed back into his sick fugue and tucked a curl behind Philip's ear as he realized that I was there.

"John," Philip pouted.

"What's up, kid?"

"I'm so, so sick."

"Yeah, that's a bummer, huh?"

"Yeah, and now my daddy is sick, too. Are you sick?"

"Nope,"

"Keep it that way, Pip, no face sneezies on John." Alex teased, playful despite the flat tone sickness put in his voice.

"I know," Philip nodded, "John, I want cuddles."

I opened my arms to him, "come here, baby."

Philip drug his clammy body onto my chest and curled into me the same way that he had been on Alex. Slowly, with trepidation, Alex rolled onto his side away from us, letting out a groan.

"John," Philip whispered, "is it late late?"

"Yeah," I pulled the heated blanket over us and smoothed back his sweaty hair, "I just got done at the show."

"Daddy couldn't go to work today, 'cause he got sick."

I nodded, "I know, but that's okay."

"Gabriela and Carmen took care of me the other day when just I was sick, but today daddy could took care of me 'cause he was sick, too."

Alex interjected in our conversation, his weak voice distorted from his face being smushed into the pillow, "'could take' not 'could took', Pip."

"Okay." Philip agreed.

"Yeah, they take good care of you." I nodded, closing my eyes.

"John, are you sleepy?" Philip asked, his cool hand on my cheek.

"Yes," I kicked a leg toward Alex, wanting to offer him comfort, too, I ran my toes over the back of his ankle.

Alex snuffled and reached hand back to stroke my thigh. I fell asleep holding Philip.

I sneezed myself awake in the dark of night, finding Philip still lying on me. His hot forehead pressed to my neck, a damp spot on my t-shirt over my chest from his drool, the rest of my shirt damp with his sweat. At some point in the night, Alex had taken claim to my shoulder, my arm around him, hand resting on his elbow.

Alex felt me moving and bolted up, his hair barely still tied back in its bun. I reassured him and he cuddled back against me. None of us had any desire to wake up, I tightened my grip on Alex and fell back asleep, relieved that it was Monday, and that by magic, we actually had two days off this week. Philip started coughing and groaned, burrowing closer into me, his small body shaking with the intensity of his coughs.

"Sugar," I patted Alex's arm, trying to be soothing, not wanting him to panic.

He wiped his eyes and rubbed Philip's back, "what is it, John?"

"He's coughing more and I think he's feverish."

Alex drug himself out of bed and came back with a hoodie over his naked chest and was drinking Dayquil out of the bottle, he had a smaller medicine cup filled with liquid for Philip.

"Jesus, darlin', could at least mix it with Sprite." I winked.

He smirked at me, "no cute boy brought me any after I casually mentioned recreationally using cough syrup."

"That's what you think. Check the fridge."

His eyes lit up as his grin ignited them and he sat back on the bed, "who would've thought that the sweetest part of a relationship would be founded on lean?"

"I mean, any relationship where someone gets sick as much as you."

"God, you make me feel like the luckiest dumbshit ever."

"How so?"

"Like, how did I end up with you? Thomas never… I'm sorry, I don't mean to bring him up, I just… I really love you."

"I love you, too, 'Lex. I don't know how anyone could not want to take care of you. You're adorable when you're sick," I scooted up the headboard, starting to rouse Philip for his medicine, and realized how dizzy I felt, "oh, shit."

"What's wrong?"

I shook my head and let out a deep breath, "I'm okay."

Alex sighed, "Typhoid Philip strikes again?"

"Oh, yeah."

"Damn." Alex pinched the bridge of his nose.

I turned my focus to Philip, "hey, baby, wake up."

He coughed into my neck and Alex cringed.

"Remember, germ theory, like you said, I've already had it." I tried to assuage his worries.

"I know, but he's gross." Alex pouted at his snotty, sick kid.

Philip sat up, "Daddy?"

"Yeah, hi, baby, gotta take some meds, okay? This isn't the icky one, though."

"Promise?"

"I promise." Alex rubbed his back and handed him the medicine cup.

Philip drank it back like a champ and gladly accepted Alex's water, he shivered in the cool air. I coughed and held my forehead to see if I could keep my brain from rattling around. Alex handed me the bottle of cough syrup. I took a demure sip as opposed to his brazen glug. He left the room again and came back with a long sleeve shirt for Philip.

"You want a change of clothes, sweetheart?" He asked me.

I considered how dirty my shirt had become, "please?"

He rummaged through his shirts and returned to the bed, helping Philip dress himself, "thanks, daddy." He pouted in a small voice, sounding generally sick and miserable.

Alex kissed the top of Philip's head and handed me a black shirt, I swapped it for the shirt I'd been wearing, and as I pulled my hair free from the neck hole smirked at him, "thanks, daddy."

Alex got back in bed and made a face at me, I noticed him squirm just slightly, "that's so not cool. You can't do that to a sick man with a sick child."

"I dunno, makes me feel like a magician. I'm drunk with power."

"That's just the Dayquil."

I rolled my eyes and took note of the writing on the shirt he'd given me, reading it aloud, "'if you can see me, something's gone terribly wrong'? What… oh, wait… God, you're a nerd."

"Stage crew humour." Alex shot finger guns at me.

"You're obnoxious." I teased him.

Philip crawled back into Alex's arms and I took my place under his arm, switching positions based on who Philip wanted to be with.

"Jack, sweetheart, do you need anything else?" Alex kissed my forehead.

"No, I'm okay, I'm not one to get man sick. I'll be fine."

"I don't get man sick," Alex protested.

"Oh, no, not you, just like those dudes in general, I'm not a man sick kind of guy… have you never seen me sick?"

"Not for real… and not when there wasn't tequila involved."

"I told you, I don't drink tequila."

"Gabriela would disagree." Alex pointed out.

"That was a rough morning," I sighed.

"But, it was a fun night."

"Sure was."

"Why would Miss Gabriela disagree?" Philip asked.

"Doesn't matter, grown up talk." Alex shut it down.

"Grown up talk is boring."

"I know, baby. Someday you'll be a boring grown up, too."

We all took another nap, Alex waking up again to his alarm to get Philip ready for school.

"Oh, yeah, not happening, not even a little bit." He groaned and called the school to let them know that Philip wouldn't be there.

"How you feeling?" I asked him.

"Like hell. You?"

"Been better, I'm alright. I'm making food for us later."

"You don't have to, we can just order in, make Sonny our errand boy."

"Nah, I want to, home cooked food makes everything better."

"Except the way my pants fit," he chuckled.

We snoozed until the morning sun crept in through the blinds. Once Philip woke up Alex shooed us out of the bedroom, claiming that it was too cold to go outside on the fire escape and smoke, he cracked the window and I took Philip into the living room, wrapping him up in his now clean - for the second time - and dry comforter on the couch, setting him up with Duck Tales.

"What are you doing?" He asked me.

"Starting on food." I put chicken in a pot with onions and oil to get some colour on the outside, leaning against the counter for support, feeling like shit.

"What are you making? My tummy hurts too much to be hungry."

"That's okay, little man. I'm making chicken and dumplin's."

"What's that?"

Alex joined Philip on the couch, "it's kind of like the chicken soup that abuela used to make, but it's got noodle things instead of plantains. Is that a good description, John?"

I shrugged, "yeah, noodle-y, biscuit-y, yeah."

"That soup was spicy, spicy would hurt my tummy." Philip whined.

"Mine's not, don't worry bud."

I added stock to the pot along with seasonings and put a lid on it to simmer and went to the living room to sit with my boys while it simmered.

"Did your mama teach you how to cook?" Philip asked.

I wrapped my arm around Alex and he snuggled against me, smelling of fresh smoke.

"Yup."

"I don't get to learn how to cook since I don't have a mama… 'cause sometimes mamas have babies but they aren't ready to be mamas."

I decided not to get into that topic, staying in safer waters, "y'know, I could teach you how to cook if you wanted."

"Maybe when I feel a little better?"

"Sounds good."

"Then I can make tasty dinner for my daddy and for you, too, John." He stretched out between Alex and I.

The chilly apartment filled with the smell of cooking food and comforting spices, transporting me to the best parts of my childhood.

I let it cook for most of the day while we watched movies, getting up once we all felt hungry enough that eating didn't seem out of the question. I dropped dumplings into the thick soup and let them cook, dishing some out for the three of us.

Alex sighed at the comforting meal, eating a dumpling happily. Philip poked nervously at his bowl while I tucked in, it tasted like home.

"This is what people eat where you come from?" Philip looked hesitant.

"In the south, yeah, I grew up eating food like this."

"Hmm…" He cautiously ate a piece of chicken.

"Bro, you've eaten mondongo with abuela." Alex rolled his eyes.

"Isn't that…" I started, only to be cut off by Alex, he waved me off and pressed two fingers to his lips, taking a deep breath through his nose.

"Yup… I can't right now." He swallowed hard and took a drink of his coffee.

"I didn't like it, what is it again, daddy? It's something icky right?"

"Nope, we're not, nope, eat, Pip." He turned up the volume on the cartoons.

Philip finally conceded and ate half of his bowl. Alex sighed contentedly once he'd reached the bottom of his bowl and set it on the table next to the couch before snuggling against my chest. I closed my eyes against my headache and rested my forehead against the crown of his head. The oils of his dirty hair held his scent and comforted me as I continued to feel like death warmed over. Philip climbed into Alex's lap, I felt Alex fidget with his boy's hair.

Once Philip fell asleep, Alex - still looking tired and spent - slid out from between me and Philip and carried his son to bed. I carried the comforter and helped Alex tuck him in.

"I need a shower." Alex decided.

"Up for company?" I sniffed.

Alex wrapped his arms around me, swaying just slightly and nodded into my neck. I followed him into the bathroom and stripped while he set the water, snorting and trying to clear the junk in my head. I stood with my back to the stream and Alex pressed himself against me, mostly for warmth and partly to take some of his weight, despite my own fatigue I held him up and let the water run over us. I hummed to him something that I hoped was soothing. He started to take on the appearance of a drowned rat and I leaned over to pump some of his shampoo into my hands and worked it through his hair. He nuzzled against me closer and pressed little kisses to my collarbone.

I shifted us to rinse out his hair and massaged conditioner into it, noticing his breathing slow. I stood us there under the stream until goosebumps rose over his tan skin.

"Sugar," I whispered in his ear, kissing his temple.

He blinked a few times, "I fell asleep, huh?"

"Yeah, it's alright, I've got you."

He coughed and made quick work of washing down his body.

"Sorry." He mumbled.

"Go on to bed, I'll be there in just a minute."

Alex nodded and stepped out of the shower, I was almost certain I could hear his teeth clattering over the sound of the shower as I washed my own hair and body.

When I joined him in the bedroom I found him in a hoodie and thick sweatpants under the electric blanket and two other quilts, shivering in fetal position. I cuddled myself around him and rubbed his back.

"My poor, little snake." I soothed him.

He nodded sadly against my neck, fingers gripping my arms tightly, vibrating with his shivers.


	2. Chapter 2

Alex was already out running errands when I woke up, I stretched and took a final deep breath of the smell on his pillow and got up, throwing on a soft, worn t-shirt. As I passed in the hall on my way to the bathroom, I looked in on Phillip, sprawled out in his bed asleep, likely enjoying that it was parent teacher conference day and he was out of school. I was just glad it was a Monday. I twisted my still damp hair into a bun and poured myself a cup of coffee, surprised at the strong affinity I'd gotten for it in the last few months. Alex always had it around, it just became habit. I saw the light on the dishwasher signalling that the dishes were clean and opened it, starting to put away the cups and plates from last night's dinner.

Philip was still asleep so I wiped the counters down, blowing a stray, damp curl out of my face, and tried to bring some method to the madness of Alex's stack of bills and junk mail. I turned on music and danced my way through the kitchen as I cleaned it. I enjoyed how methodical cleaning was, how it gave your body something to do while your mind wandered, and I enjoyed knowing that it would take a load off of Alex, giving my busy boyfriend one less thing he had to do. I stood on a chair to clean the vents on the wall which were dusty enough to make it believable that Alex had never dusted them out before as long as they'd lived here. I swept the floor and wiped down the cabinet faces, dancing like a fool the whole time, stopping only to check a text from Alex.

 **Fuck the post office, I've been here for almost an hour… All good on the home front?**

I texted him back.

 **God N.W.A.'s gotten soft. All good. Please don't kill anyone at the post office.**

I hoped that the lack of response was because it was his turn and not because he'd exploded the entire United States Postal Service.

Once I was satisfied with the state of the kitchen I moved to the living room. I straightened the pile of shoes by the door, excited to find my pair of Chucks that had eluded me for the past month. Philip got up and came into the living room and frowned at me.

"What's the problem, dude?" I asked him.

"Our apartment's too shiny, the cleanness makes my eyes kind of hurt." He rubbed the sleep out of his eyes.

I laughed at him, "are you hungry? Make you some breakfast?"

He shook his head, "can I help you?"

I nudged him with my hip, "of course, you wanna be a big helper and take all of your toys and stuff and put them in your room?"

He picked up a handful of his trucks and carried them off to his room, I noted his little booty wiggling to the music, Alex was right, Philip and I together were a force to be reckoned with. I pulled the cushions off the couch and found at least a dozen pens and hair ties and action figures. I smirked noticing the foil corner of a condom in its package in a spot in the lining of the couch frame that was torn as well as the travel sized bottle of lube, both just obscured enough to be hidden.

"What's next?" Philip was back and wiggling more to the music, his hair bouncing around him.

"Dance party, obviously." I told him and took his hand, spinning him in a circle.

Philip giggled wildly and pumped his fists in the air, booty swishing side to side. I showed him the only dance move ever needed, the swim. He practiced holding his nose and swaying to the floor, gasping each time. I couldn't help but giggle at how cute he was. Still dancing, I handed him the action figures from the couch and he ran to put them in his room. He came back to the living room still dancing, his curls sticking to his sweaty face and neck.

"Hey, let's put your hair up." I suggested and grabbed one of the hair ties from out of the couch and tossed his hair up into a bun that matched mine.

"Thanks, John!" He wiggled away and picked up dinosaurs off the floor by the doorway.

I put the pens on Alex's desk in his room and the hair ties in the basket in the bathroom before replacing the couch cushions. Philip held the dust pan for me while I swept. He carefully carried it to the kitchen and dumped it in the trash, bounding back to me proudly.

"Fabulous! Do you think that you can go and grab the clothes hamper from your daddy's room for me?"

He nodded exuberantly and ran to Alex's room and then almost immediately back.

"I tried, but my muscles are too little."

"No problem, I got it." I patted his shoulder and went to get the basket, doing a once over in Alex's room for the extra clothing scattered around the room.

I carried the basket on my hip and sat it in front of the washer checking his pockets, finding mostly singles, receipts for the coffee shop by the theatre, and so many pens. I giggled to myself and handed the pens to Philip.

"Can you set these on your daddy's desk?"

He nodded and took the collection of pens to the bedroom. I found Alex's pocket knife that had been missing as well as one of his missing flashlights and set them both on the kitchen counter. I got a laugh out of how many missing articles of my clothing had made it into Alex's hamper, mostly socks and underwear. I set the washer and Philip and I resumed our cleaning dance party in the living room dusting picture frames and organizing the little bits of clutter that remained. The door flung open and Alex tossed his backpack on its hook, hung up his scarf and jacket and stepped out of his shoes, he was damp with a fine mist of rain I hadn't realized was falling outside.

"What's all this?" Alex asked.

Philip flung himself into his father's arms, "we're cleaning and dancing!"

I moved to tidy up the dining area.

"I can see that, wow. You guys did a great job! Thank you." He kissed Philip's cheek.

"You're welcome, daddy!"

I wiped down the dining table, scratching at a hardened on foreign object at Philip's place setting, Alex was behind me, hands on my hips, pressing his body close against mine.

He whispered in my ear, stretching to reach, "this is so fucking hot."

I set the sponge on the table and turned to face him, wrapping my arms around his neck, I kissed him, denying him the passion that he sought, know how close Philip was. Alex held me against him, the tiniest moan in his throat.

"Hey, Pip!" Alex called.

Philip appeared and saw us holding each other and wrapped us in a group hug. I dropped a hand to squeeze his shoulder.

"What is it, daddy?" Philip smiled up at Alex.

"Do you wanna have a sleepover at the Solario's tonight?" Alex asked him.

"On a school night?" Philip looked puzzled.

"Remember, no school tomorrow either?"

"Oh, yeah. I can?"

"I can ask, but Mrs. Solario is taking care of you tomorrow anyway."

"Okay."

"Bet if you're good you can talk to the taxis." Alex quirked a brow at Philip.

"You think so?" Philip gasped and covered his mouth with his hands in excitement.

"Pretty good bet." Alex nodded and pulled out his phone to call their neighbors.

It was decided that Philip would stay the night with the family. He ecstatically packed his overnight bag, making up a song about talking to the taxis from the Solario dispatch in his bedroom. Alex danced with me in the kitchen, arms around my neck, letting my hands rest low on his hips, keeping our bodies close together.

He smirked at the lyrics, "this is Chance the Rapper, right?"

I nodded, "yup."

"Had to buy a crib before I bought my first house, had my first kid, I love how she turned out, I love how she turned up, even if I'm burned out." He chuckled repeating the words of the song.

"Kind of your life, isn't it?" I tucked loose hair behind his ear.

"Little bit, yeah."

Philip had a backpack on his back and reappeared in the dining area.

"I'm ready to go!" He hopped in a circle.

"Love you, kid, see you later." I kissed the top of his head.

"Love you, too, John! Daddy, come on, I wanna talk to the taxis!"

I hung back at the apartment while Alex took Philip down the block and finished cleaning the dining table.

Once Alex returned, he ran his fingers down my back to draw my attention, I turned around from sweeping and leaned the broom against the wall, taking him in my arms.

"You know how sexy you are?" He asked, looking up at me.

"What do you mean?"

"I come home from running all of these errands, doing everything by myself like I always do, always have done, but, now, it's like, I know my kid's safe and happy. I come home to a clean house, to my man and my boy giggling together - he loves you almost as much as I do - your body... bent over, God it's enough to undo me. Everything about you is so sexy."

"I just wanna help you, darlin', you've had to do it all alone too long. I like helping you."

I pushed him up onto the dining table and kissed him, he was whimpering into my mouth, hands needy and searching.

"John, will you have me?" He nearly begged.

"That would be my pleasure." I lifted him by his hips and carried him to his bedroom.

I set him on the bed and lie over him, licking at his jaw.

"John," he moaned.

"Yeah, sugar?"

"I love you."

"I love you, too."

He closed his eyes and let me open his dark wash jeans and slide them over his slim hips. He lifted himself off the bed to make it easier for me. I bit my lip seeing that he was already hard. The rest of our clothing was quickly in a heap on the floor. I shimmied down his body and took him into my mouth. He was somehow so sweet, the musk of his body mingling with his delicate taste. As I slid my mouth over the head and took more and more of the shaft he moaned, gripping my shoulders.

I popped off temporarily to request the bottle of lube and covered my fingers before returned my mouth to his hard dick. He cried out when my finger slid home into his entrance.

"Yes, John!"

I hollowed my cheeks even more, his perfect dick hitting the back of my throat as a second finger joined the first. I scissored them and he bucked gently into my mouth. He prayed a benediction of my name and a string of curses. With my free hand I squeezed his balls and tugged at them, a third finger now inside him. I sucked him off faster, feeling his thighs clench around my shoulders. His walls trembled around my fingers and I felt his balls tighten in my hand. I looked up at him through my lashes and watched him bite the back of his hand as his eyes squeezed shut, he came in a rush of spurts down my throat.

"Damn, babe, you are so sexy." I popped off his dick and wiped my mouth. I wiped my fingers on a tissue and cleaned him up, coming to hold him.

He was staring at my cock, pressing at my sweatpants, "will you still fuck me?"

"You want me to?" I asked.

He nodded primly, "please, I'm so open, so ready, please, John?"

"Yes, of course, absolutely, please. God, I'm the luckiest man, get to have all of this." I moaned, drinking in his perfect body.

I rolled a condom on, we'd gotten lax with them, both tested in the last few months, but it undeniably made cleanup easier. I slicked the condom and pushed into him. Alex cried out as I slid into the base, his mouth a perfect circle, brows reaching for each other, putting such pretty lines on his forehead.

I started to move slowly, delighting in the sensation of him, wanting to make it last. I kissed his jaw, whispering adorations in his ear. He was still so tight, even opened by my hand and relaxed by his own orgasm, his muscles were tight around my dick.

"Alex, you're so perfect." I promised him, cupping his cheek.

"No…" He looked away, trying to hide from my praise.

"Alexander," I hummed, guiding his face to look at me, I rolled my hips slowly and watched him fall apart, "you are the most beautiful man in the world. I'm in love with you. I'm in love with this life. I'm in love with your gorgeous body, your beautiful mind. You _are_ perfect."

I watched his eyes go glossy and he craned his neck to kiss me. I took his kiss and let him open it. His kiss was so sensual, the softness of it made my hips stutter and I held him tightly to ground myself through my orgasm. I moaned his name.

When I pulled out, I tied off the condom and tossed it in the trash and came back to hold him. He tucked himself in my arms.

"You believe me?" I asked him.

He shrugged.

"You should."

He kissed me again and rolled to straddle me.

"Oh, God, yes," I moaned at his assertiveness, body still alight from coming, "Alex, do you wanna fuck me?"

He bit his lip and nodded.

"Yeah? I'd like that. Like feeling you in control, so sexy."

Alex looked nervous, "you really do think so?"

"I do, and I'll tell you so for as long as it takes, darlin'."

He nodded and dipped down between my legs, his kitten licks at my entrance were as good of practice for me in relaxing and submitting. I rested my hands on my knees and closed my eyes. Alex's tongue was swirling the sensitive skin, hot breath ghosting it, his fingers joining his lapping tongue and my mouth fell open at the sensation. He continued to work me open and I focused on becoming pliant under his ministrations.

"You ready, sweetheart?" Alex asked me.

I nodded and he reached for the lube, his dick grew shiny as he lathered it. The first press burned and I dug my nails into his sides, crying out shamelessly, knowing we were alone. Alex blushed and bit his lip nervously.

"Psst," I winked at him, cried out at a deep thrust and managed to compose myself, "none of that. Not from my gorgeous man. You fuck me like this and deserve every single sound you make me make."

Alex cracked his neck and his eyes took on a darker glint, he thrusted harder and dropped his lips to my throat, he teeth grazing as his thrusts got faster, just like I liked it. I cried out again, not caring which neighbours in the entire building learned Alex's name.

"Yes!" I screamed and bit down on his shoulder.

His breath was shaky and me coming between us was enough to send him over, I felt him hot and wet inside me and a throaty groan spilled out of my mouth. His kissed me softly.

"I love you." He whispered.

"Love you, too. Love you so much, thank you."

"Stay here." He whispered.

I closed my eyes, both back to back orgasms making me feel sleepy. I listened to the tap in the bathroom run and Alex came back with a warm washcloth and dabbed it over my skin to clean me up. He pressed a kiss to my hip bone and I smiled, eagerly welcoming him into my arms.

"Do you believe me yet, beauty?"

"More every day."

"That's my plan. I've got as many days as it takes."

He nuzzled into my chest, rolling over to face me, his chin on my sternum, "you have a birthday next week, sir. What are we doing?"

I shrugged, "I dunno."

"What do you like to do on your birthday?"

"Um… get blackout drunk and go home with a stranger and his boyfriend… get really drunk and cry in a Waffle House… eat pizza and watch Nightmare Before Christmas… pretend it's not happening?"

"Do you _want_ to go out?"

"Honestly, I'd rather just hang out with you and P, I already know who I want to go home with. My birthday's not really a big deal."

"Not even as a kid?"

I shook my head, "as like a little kid, yeah, but, I, uh, I became the black sheep pretty early, my dad kind of ruined my birthday for me." I twitched my stinging nose, feeling the welling pressure of tears in my sinuses.

Alex nodded and tucked the curl that never seemed to leave my forehead behind my ear, "you don't have to talk about it anymore if you don't want to, sweetheart. I know you don't like talking about your past."

I shrugged, "can't talk about it with you then who can I talk about it with?"

"I'm always here to listen, God knows I put enough of my shit on you."

"I don't see it like that."

"Neither do I."

"I don't know… shit was just… bad." I nodded and wrinkled my nose.

"Tell you what, how about on the way home from the theatre on Sunday we grab pizza, come home, have Sunday family dinner in our pajamas, lay a blanket out on the floor in the living room, watch Nightmare Before Christmas, just the three of us, and then I give you best blow job and ass eating of your whole life after Pip inevitably falls asleep watching the movie. Then, since your birthday's on Sunday, I leave you sleeping in the morning and bring you home breakfast and we enjoy waffles and sex on our day off. Sound good?"

I grinned, fighting even harder to not let tears fall, "sounds like the best birthday I've ever had."

"That's the goal… and I'm already trying to figure out how to make the next one even better. I love you so much, sweetheart."

"I love you, Alexander."

"Nap?"

"Hell yeah." I wrapped him up in my arms.


	3. Chapter 3

**Because, I mean, who doesn't write smut before class? I really wanted to get this out yesterday in honour of Mr. JLau himself, alas, that did not happen. Thank you so much for supporting my works and for all the love that this 'Verse gets. You guys are the wind beneath my wrist cramping, caffeine-twitchy wings.**

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Alex insisted on carrying the pizza. We stopped at the Solario's dispatch booth and pulled Philip away from a microphone where he was chattering to the taxis.

"Happy birthday, John!" He hugged me tightly.

"Hi, baby!" I stooped to kiss the top of his head.

"Ooh, pizza!" Philip caressed the box.

"Who needs daddy, right?" Alex rolled his eyes.

"Oh, hi, daddy." Philip hugged Alex casually.

After a quick exchange with Mrs. Solario we were headed to Alex and Philip's apartment. Philip rushed ahead and waited at the door.

"Are you ready?" Philip asked me.

"For dinner? Yeah… definitely." I shrugged.

Alex handed me the pizzas and unlocked the door. There was a big quilt spread out on the living room floor with all manner of cushions and pillows on it. String lights were hung around the room, casting it in a dim, inviting glow. My breath caught in my throat.

"Alexander…" I sighed.

"Do you like it, John?" Philip asked.

"It's spectacular."

Alex set the pizza boxes on the quilt and got plates and napkins out of the kitchen, the next time that he appeared he handed me a cocktail.

"Happy birthday, sweetheart." Alex clinked his glass with my own.

"Daddy, are you gonna do mine or John's first? Probably John, 'cause, since it's his birthday."

"Okay," Alex winked at Philip and took my hands, "John, I'm proud of you for celebrating your birthday, I know you don't like it so thank you for spending it with us. This week, I'm excited to keep celebrating you. I'm grateful that you were born so, so very long ago. I love you."

I grinned at him like a fool as Philip pushed Alex's hands away to replace them with his own.

"John, I'm proud of you for being older. This week, you're gonna go trick or treating with us, that's gonna be so so so fun! I'm grateful that… you're nice to me and my nice to my daddy. I love you!"

I pulled Philip into a hug and kissed the top of his head, "hey, kid, I'm proud of you for being such a smart, loving, good kid. This week, we're gonna have the best time trick or treating and I'm grateful that you don't mind sharing your daddy with me. I love you more."

Philip beamed at me and took Alex's hands, staring at him expectantly.

"Philip, I'm proud of you for doing so well on your spelling test this week and I'm proud of you for helping the kid that fell down at recess. This week I can't wait for us to celebrate Halloween together, the best holiday ever. I'm grateful that you're such a smart sweet boy. I love you, baby, you're my number one."

"Um, daddy, I'm proud of you for hanging up all these lights even though you said a bad word when you smashed yourself in the thumb with the hammer, but I'm still proud of you 'cause it took forever. I'm excited to eat all of my candy with you and I'm grateful that you are John's boyfriend. I love you!" Philip giggled.

"Shall we?" Alex flipped open the pizza box and gestured to me, "birthday boy."

I took a piece and Alex cued up the movie. Philip snuggled against me and ate a bite of his pizza and whispered in my ear, "we're like ninja turtles."

I nodded, "cowabunga, dude."

Alex curled up on Philip's other side and we watched Jack continue his reign as the pumpkin king, happily eating our pizza. Once the pizza was eaten, Alex and I were each two drinks in, and Jack was in Christmas Town Philip curled up on my lap and Alex went to the kitchen. He came back with a tiny chocolate cake on a plate, just big enough for the three of us, a lit candle sticking out of it. They sang me 'Happy Birthday' and I blew out my candle, wishing for everything to stay this perfect.

I fed a bite of cake to Philip and he smiled up at me, his face a chocolatey mess. Alex licked frosting off his thumb and I smirked at him as he fed me a bite of my cake.

"Did you make this?" I asked him.

He blinked at me and Philip answered, "the store did."

I grinned at Philip outing him, "you cheat."

"Whatcha gonna do about it?" Alex quirked an eyebrow.

"You'll see." I stared at him and slid a cake-filled fork in my mouth, watching the blood drain from his face and I pulled the empty fork back out and licked frosting off the tines.

We finished the cake and Alex tucked his head on my shoulder. I pulled the blanket higher up over us all and we snuggled back into our pile.

"Y'know," I told Philip, "I'm the pumpkin king."

"What?" Philip laughed me off.

"I am." I nodded.

"Nuh-uh,"

"Why do you think your daddy calls me Jack?"

Philip's mouth hung on a hinge, "you really are! You're the pumpkin king."

I tickled Philip's sides and sang along with the movie, "and I grow so weary of the sound of screams, and I… Jack, the Pumpkin King! Have grown so tired of the same old thing."

He squealed as Alex handed me another drink.

"You trying to get me drunk?" I stared up at him.

He sipped his, "is it working?"

I considered, "little bit."

He shrugged, "then, maybe."

It wasn't much longer until Philip was asleep between Alex and I.

"Hey, pumpkin king, how 'bout I put this one to bed, and then we really celebrate?" Alex picked Philip up during the end credits.

"Sounds good."

"Make us another round," he winked.

"Daddy? Is it bedtime?" Philip yawned into Alex's neck.

"Shh, it sure is."

I fixed us each a drink and Alex came up behind me and wrapped his arms around me.

"Hi, babe." I turned around and kissed him.

He broke our kiss, "come in the living room, I want to kiss you under the lights."

I followed him and we lie on the blankets, he rolled on top of me and kissed me, pulling back to look at me. I watched his eyes dart over my face as his tongue flicked out to lick his lips.

"You are beautiful." He mused.

"You're the stunner here, babe." I craned my neck to kiss him again and felt his need against my hip.

He moaned into my mouth as I opened our kiss, tasting the sweetness of rum on him. I pulled the clip out of his hair and it fell around his shoulders, I ran my fingers through it and kissed him harder. Finally, he backed off and we caught our breath. I turned my head and yawned into my hand, a glint of reflection from the lights under the couch caught my eye and I reached out, retrieving a pair of glasses.

I held them up inquisitively, "these yours?"

Alex kissed my cheek, "my hero! Where were they?"

"Just under the couch."

"Oh, God, is there anything horrifying down there?"

I laughed at him, "no sugar, it's fine."

He cleaned his glasses and put them on, he looked at me almost sadly, I bit my lip at his new, nerdy look, he was impossibly hotter.

"What's the matter?" I asked.

He swept a curl behind my ear, "you're even more beautiful than I knew."

I smiled at him and he sighed like a Disney Princess, "Jesus, Jack. You're perfect."

I took his hand and got up, pulling his to his feet to the bedroom. Our clothes were discarded around the room. I hovered over him and kissed my way down his chest. He whimpered at the kitten licks I gave his hips.

"John," he whined, twisting his hips.

"Yeah, darlin'?"

"Want you to fuck me."

I leapt back up to his face and kissed him hard, his arms were around my neck, I pulled them away and pinned them to the mattress. He gasped into my mouth and I tasted his grin.

"Like that, huh?"

He nodded, "will you, do you want to tie me up?"

I pushed myself up away from him, " do you want me to?"

He tried to hold back a grin unsuccessfully, "please. Rope in the drawer."

"Really?" I asked and pulled the drawer open, behind our preferred assortment of toys was a tightly wound length of rope.

"Kinky," I licked my lips and withdrew it unwound it slowly in my hands.

Alex watched the rope slide through my fingers and I saw him swallow hard.

"You like this, don't you?" I asked him, my voice headier than I was anticipating.

"Yes, yes, please."

I took one of his delicate wrists in my hand and knotted the rope around it tightly enough that he couldn't get free, then I wove the rope through the headboard and trussed up his other hand. He looked so pretty, arms pulled over his head, his dick twitching with excitement. I took my time kissing down the length of his body, he shivered, legs stretching and hips twisting.

"Don't make me tie up your legs too." I whispered against his belly.

He straightened out obediently and I smirked at him, grabbed the lube off the side table and started to work a finger into him. The rope creaked against the headboard after I got the second knuckle in. Alex's mouth fell slack and his eyes grew hooded with lust. I pressed a second finger in and began scissoring them maybe quicker than he was ready for, his chest heaved as he held the rush of air inside his lungs.

I rested a hand on his belly reassuringly, his elbows pulled toward me in right angles, his body magnetized to mine.

"I want to touch you." He whined.

"What's the fun in that?" I curled my fingers against his prostate and his toes curled.

"But, I can make you feel good." Alex was bargaining.

"Oh, but darlin', you will." I took myself in hand and gave my dick a few warm up strokes with a lubed hand.

"John… John, gotta have you."

"Shh." I bit my lip and ran the tip of my dick down the shaft of his and watched his quadriceps roll under the skin of his thighs.

His knees fell farther open and I giggled, "no silly, need you all the way open for me," I hitched them up over my hips.

Alex's toes brushed my nipple as he kicked his feet up higher, a daring glint in his eyes, he hiked his legs over my shoulders, leaving him completely open. I pressed my dick into his waiting hole and he turned his head into his own arm to bite down around a scream.

"Shh… Alexander, people are sleeping." I reminded him.

He nodded and I watched pleasure twist his face.

"Please move, I need you to move."

As I started to rock inside him his hips rolled and flailed. I gripped them and stilled them and felt his hole tighten around me, craving the friction I'd denied his hips. I pounded harder and faster into him and let his legs fall to my sides so that I could lean over him and let him bite down on my chest when the pleasure mounted in a scream. He did. His teeth flashed searing, hot pain throughout my chest as my hips grew faster in their speed.

"Alex, fucking hell." I dropped my forehead against his chest once he'd surrendered the vice grip on my chest and nipped at his chest as payback, he hummed with his lips clamped shut as my nip turned into a full bite, his back arching, his tight heat twitching.

I couldn't help it, the tightness in my belly was too much, I came in a rush that left me tired and spent. Once I'd composed myself I slid out carefully and slithered down the length of his body. His swollen dick fit in my mouth perfectly, the pink tip brushing the back of my throat. I shut my eyes and licked at the base. The sound of the ropes creaking against the headboard was almost too much, I swallowed his dick eagerly and his legs twitched as I started to bob sloppily up and down the length. He grunted with restraint to not cry out as his dick twitched in my throat, coming hot and wet.

I straddled his chest and pulled the knots free, kissing his purpled wrists, soft skin bruised from where he'd pulled against his bonds. He snuggled against me, and our snuggling quickly turned to kissing, kissing turning to reaching hands, to sweating bodies, to shoulders bitten to contain screams to praises and adoration. Between us, we ended the night well past half a dozen orgasms. I fell asleep contentedly with him in my arms.

The thud was what woke me, that and the blankets being ripped away, the sunlight streaming through the window - sunlight, at this hour in late October? - and the string of curses Alex was emitting at a frequency unique to his brand of panic.

"Fuck, shit, Christ, oh fuck." He mumbled, I bolted upright to see him on the floor yanking on a pair of dark wash jeans.

He righted himself and pulled on a shirt. I looked at the clock on my phone, we'd overslept by a lot.. Like Philip's school day started in twenty minutes, a lot. Alex hurried through the apartment flicking lights on.

"Pip, baby, get up!" He shouted.

I stretched and fingered the purple bruise just under my collarbone, wondering if Alex still had the matching one over his tattoo. I pulled a shirt on, glad that it wasn't a v neck and pulled my tangled hair into a low ponytail.

"Pip! Let's move! Come on!" Alex slapped the wall gently, making enough noise to stir Philip.

I finished making the half made sandwich on the counter and tucked it into Philip's lunch bag with a string cheese and fruit cup. Philip quickly emerged, still wiping his sleepy eyes. Alex helped him with his shoes for time's sake as I pulled my own pair on.

"iNo pare, sigue sigue!" Alex snapped his fingers as a sleepy Philip zipped his backpack.

"Daddy, why did you sleep too long?" Philip yawned.

Alex looked pointedly at me, "I dunno, baby, guess I was super sleepy. John, you can stay."

"I'm already dressed," I shrugged, happy to spend the time with my boys.

"Daddy, I don't like to hurry." Philip reminded Alex who was locking the door behind us.

"I know, me either, happens sometimes."

"John, I'm sleepy." He raised his arms up to me and I obliged and picked him up, holding him on my hip.

"Good thing you're cute, turtle." I kissed his cheek, he was especially whiny this morning.

"I still don't get where that nickname came from." Alex shook his head.

"Well, it started because when he talks I sometimes hear Squirt from Finding Nemo and then it just became turtle because turtles are the greatest… and so is Pip."

"It's true, daddy." Philip yawned and leaned his head against my neck, unsettlingly close to the bruise his father had left hours earlier while we were up too late.

After the six flights of stairs, I noticed Alex's awkward gait and smirked to myself.

Philip stood between Alex and I on the train, the car filled with commuters also running late, no empty seats were available to us. I leaned over and whispered into Alex's ear.

"I didn't hurt you too bad, did I?"

"Not possible." He winked at me.

I wrapped an arm around his shoulders, my other hand dropping to hold the strap of Philip's backpack, mirroring Alex's grip on the boy. Once we got to our stop we dropped Philip off and Alex took my hand as we walked away from the school.

"I think I'm gonna need breakfast before round two." Alex told me.

"You want more? Wouldn't this be like round five?"

He yawned, "or we can have breakfast in bed and then a nap."

"Fuck yes, naps."

He chuckled and leaned into me, shivering just slightly under the damp coolness of the morning. I held him tightly as we walked.


	4. Chapter 4

**Let John's birthday continue! Thank you so much for the love you give this story!**

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"Hey, come here, you got a little syrup." Alex smirked, running his finger across the remaining syrup on his plate, his finger swept the sticky syrup across my lips and he quickly ducked in to suck it off.

My lip between his teeth turned my breathing ragged with want, he lapped at my lip with his tongue and I pecked another kiss on his lips.

"You're ridiculous." I grinned and moved our plates to the side table and pulled him into my arms, tumbling us to the mattress.

His fingers were combing through my hair, "you know, I still need to give you your birthday present."

I leaned up on an elbow, "what? But, 'Lex, you've already done so much… I don't need anything else."

He smirked, "I figured you'd say that."

"Okay?"

Alex got out of bed and walked to his desk, he motioned for me to follow him as he rifled through pages of disorganized sheet music that sat on his collapsible piano bench, most of them scribbled in his handwriting.

"Sing with me? Your voice is so pretty." He asked, sounding nervous, he swept a curl behind my ear, staring at me with adoration that made my stomach clench.

"O-okay, yeah? Sure," I sat next to him, our hips brushing and glanced at the music, "I don't… know this…"

"I know, I wrote it." He blushed behind his newly found glasses and bit his lip.

"Yeah?"

"Remember the Spanish I've taught you, pocho?" He teased.

"We're not even Mexican."

"It's still a fun word. Okay, here, you're singing this line."

He motioned to the lower voice, 'Benny', I watched as he started to play and he nodded to himself and started to sing, "are you ready to try again?"

I licked my lips, feeling delightfully nervous as I followed the music, reading the words written in his beautiful script, "I think I'm ready,"

"Okay… Esquina?"

I grinned, remembering how I'd struggled to pronounce that word when he first taught it to me, "corner."

"Tienda?"

Alex taught me that one after I got embarrassed, thinking that it was an insult and that Sonny was picking on me one night when we went to the bodega to get a bottle of rum together, "store."

"Bombilla?"

My cheeks hurt as I grinned, remembering the lightbulb incident of Alex almost falling into my arms while trying to stand half on a chair and half on the counter to change the light over the window above the sink that I reached up easily to change, "lightbulb."

Alex nudged me with an elbow playfully, "you're sure?"

I turned the page, "I'm sure."

"Three out of three, you did alright."

"W-well, teach me a little more."

His eyes looked sad, "calor?"

"Heat." Easy.

"Anoche?"

"Last night." That one I knew.

"Dolor?"

I didn't know that one, but read the sheet, "pain?"

Alex nodded and let the note ring on the keyboard, "that's right."

The next page was mostly scratched out, Alex played the melody that had only scratched out words and nodded to me when it was time to sing the next line.

I grinned, reading the music, "well, how do you say 'kiss me'?"

"Bésame."

Alex's nimble fingers continued to work the keys and he turned his head to kiss me. I wrapped an arm around his neck, pulling him closer to kiss him. His fingers lost their place and hit a few sour notes before he stopped playing.

I finally let him go and he turned the page before he started playing again, motioning for me to sing, "and how you say 'hold me'?"

"Abrázame. Al amanecer, at sunrise."

My voice met his, "anything at all can happen just before the sunrise."

"Al amanecer."

"Sunrise."

He trailed off the melody, "there's some stuff I haven't figured out yet, but... there's your song."

I looked at my lap, my insides churning, "you wrote me a song."

"Of course I wrote you a song, songs have always been inspired by beauty, by wonder, by love."

"So why 'pain'? Dollar?"

"Dolor," he corrected, "I started writing this after my abuela died. You, you were right there. The… blackout… it was so hot that night… and everything hurt, I mean, it still does, but you were right there, I started teaching you Spanish."

"Bésame," I remembered.

"Yeah… on the stoop."

I hugged him, "Alex, this is the best gift in the world."

"Well… yeah… I mean, I love you."

"So who's Benny?" I asked.

"He's the guy that Nina falls in love with. Nina's the… remember the first song I played for you?"

"The one that's kind of about you?"

He nodded, "yeah, that's Nina. Benny's this amazing guy, but they live in different worlds and they… they fall in love. There's all this weird pressure on them about loving each other, but they do it anyway and she teaches him Spanish after this whole big number, where there's like fireworks, crash! Boom! _Look at the fireworks!_ Then Nina and Benny are just chillin' and she... teaches him Spanish while they kick it on this fire escape and just like... look at the stars."

"Your mind just never stops does it?" I pressed a kiss to his temple.

"Not really."

"Thanks for my song, I mean, I'm sure you write songs for everyone… but thanks for mine." I smiled.

"No. I write songs about people, sure, but not for them. Just for you and Pip."

"Can I hear his?"

Alex smiled and played it by heart, closing his eyes, feeling the music, he sang, "oh, Philip when you smile I am undone, my son, look at my son… Pride is not the word I'm looking for, there is so much more inside me now. Ooh, Philip you outshine the morning sun, my son. When you smile, I fall apart, and I thought I was so smart." He stopped and laughed to himself.

"Why did you stop?" I asked him.

"'Cause then it gets all like… daddy issues, blegh, I don't want to bore you."

"Well, I'm not bored but you don't have to share… did you ever write Thomas a song?" I hated the words as soon as they left my lips, but it was too late to take them back.

Alex chuckled lightly, "like I said, I've only ever written songs _for_ you and my boy, but I wrote one about him."

I was ready to let it drop, but Alex's fingers worked a dark melody, I felt each keystroke ring a vertebrae in my spine with a chill up to my neck.

"I saved every letter you wrote me, from the moment I read them, I knew you were mine, you said you were mine, I thought you were mine. You and your words flooded my senses, your sentences left me defenseless, I'm re-reading the letters you wrote me, I'm searching and scanning for answers in every line, for some kind of sign, and when you were mine, the world seemed to burn. I hope that you burn." He smiled nervously, with tears in his eyes.

I hugged him, "it's beautiful… I hate it. How could someone hurt you?"

He shrugged, "easily, apparently."

"I hate him for it."

"No, it was my fault for putting up with it."

"Not your fault… any others?"

He pecked out old showtunes and sang along to them, I leaned down onto his shoulder and listened to his melodic voice.

"So pretty." I sighed heavily between songs.

"Oh," he sounded surprised, "right, you're probably tired, we didn't sleep much last night."

"Aren't you tired?"

"Always, yeah."

"So let's go to sleep, silly… if you're up for it."

Alex shrugged and snuggled into me. We held each other in silence for what felt like a long time and no time at all in the same breath.

He broke the silence, "do you want to move in, Jack?"

I picked my head up and looked at him, "you're serious?"

He chuckled like it hurt and looked at his lap, picking at a ball of fuzz clinging to his clothes, "just… if you wanted… I know sometimes money's tight… I mean it's tight for me, too, and we spend a lot of time together anyway and well, this is the Alexander Hamilton School of All or Nothing, so here we go."

"'Lex," I picked his chin up, "I would love to live with you."

"Yeah?" he bit his lip, his eyes shimmered.

I kissed him, "yeah… is it okay with Philip? Have you talked to him?"

"Oh, God, yes. I think he'd rather I move out, honestly." Alex grinned.

"Babe, I'm just happy I get to wake up with you everyday."

His nose wrinkled with the intensity of his grin, his eyes still swam, "except on the nights I don't sleep."

"Except then," I agreed, "but maybe I can change that."

"Philip is over the fucking moon about this. I told it was a pretty sure thing, but no promises."

"Well… promises, lots of 'em." I assured him and kissed his knuckles.

"Please don't fuck my heart up, John Laurens?"

"Wouldn't dream of it."

He sighed long and slow and rubbed his eyes of the tears on his lashes, his voice was just a whisper, "I love you."

"I love you, too."

"So, what about your apartment?"

"Fuck 'em, I'm month to month. I don't have that much stuff."

"Can we keep your couch? Haul mine to the curb?"

"Sure," I shrugged.

He squeezed me, "I'm so happy, John, I'm so excited."

I stood and took his hand, leading him to the bed, "so am I."

I gently took his shirt off and pulled his pants off, leaving him in his boxers, he smirked at me and shivered. I reached down and plugged his electric blanket in.

"Lay down on your belly." I kissed his shoulder and he dropped down to his belly.

I covered his lower half with the blankets and rummaged through the drawer in his bedside table for the massage oil before straddling his hips. The oil was slippery in my hands as I warmed it before lowering them to his shoulders. I started to knead his skin, making it shiny with the oil and he sighed a low moan.

"That feels so good," he moaned again when I worked in toward his neck, his voice muffled in the pillows, "but it's your birthday, I should be spoiling you."

"Keep making those sounds then." I pressed my thumbs along his spine and he groaned as the bones popped under my hands.

I pressed hard on his hips and ran my hands back up to his shoulder blades.

"John…" he moaned, "you're amazing."

"Does this feel good? Somewhere in particular?"

"My shoulders."

I moved my hands back up to work at his tired shoulders, watching them ease under my touch.

"Harder," he groaned, face smashed further into the pillow.

My dick twitched at the request, at him splayed out underneath me and I focused on calming it, brushing Alex's hair to one side, revealing his delicate neck.

I pressed kisses at his neck and dotted them across his shoulders, "babe, you are so perfect, you are wonderful, you are beautiful."

He chuckled at my affection and I went back to massaging him, working my way down his body, popping his hips, earning a loud groan and then a sigh from him. His thighs were tight, I relaxed them in my hands, kissing the backs of his knees as I did. He snored softly, almost inaudibly. I grinned at getting him to sleep and curled myself around him under the artificially warmed blanket.

Alex was always so gorgeous when he slept, when the lines of stress fell off of his face. I couldn't help myself and kissed his nose, he wrinkled it and wrapped an arm around me. Thinking ahead, I set an alarm for when we needed to go and pick Philip up and let myself fall asleep holding him against my chest, his hands folded under his chin.


	5. Chapter 5

**Hey guys, again, thank you so muc for your patience and love and support. I read each of your comments and they mean the world to me. Hopefully my crazy is on the tail end and will be settling down soon and I'll get back onto a more steady schedule with updating, thanks for baring with me. Enjoy!**

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"Bonjour, John, will you find Alexander and meet me in Washington's office?" Lafayette poked his head into my booth.

"Um, okay, yeah, sure… Is, is everything okay?"

"Of course, it is all perfect." He spirited away with his lanky grace, hair bobbing behind him.

I nodded, not sure that I believed him and pulled out my phone and texted Alex to meet me in Washington's office. He found me in the hallway and took my hand, rubbing circles over my knuckles, sensing my nerves.

"I'm sure it's just like an HR thing. No biggie, we sign some papers, agree not to sue anyone, and off we go."

"Did you have to with… you know?"

"Thomas? Nah, but look how that turned out, I'm definitely an insurance liability now." He laughed it off.

"How are you so smart?" I stared at him bewildered.

"Hey, guys." Washington stepped out of his office and beckoned us to join him.

The office was small, nestled in the belly of the theatre, its walls were lined with framed and signed posters from various productions at the theatre.

Alex and I sat across from the older, but still charming producer.

"Loosen up, there's no reason to panic." Washington assured us.

Alex started, his voice a babble, "sir, if this is about our relationship, we're happy to sign whatever-"

Washington put a hand up to silence him, "nonsense. This is theatre, everyone has been with everyone, it's a non-issue, however, these walls talk and I know that you and John are living together, and I know that things have been more difficult on you for your situation with your son since your grandmother passed away, again, my condolences, so I have a proposition for you."

"Okay…" Alex leaned forward in his chair.

"John, you're one of the best of the best, I take that to the bank every night. Alexander, what I've seen from you in this show, blows my mind. I'm honoured to be on a team with you both, but I know that having a family can make things difficult, that it's easy to get spread too thin. Alexander, I need you at shows, there's no way around it, you keep our production running day in and day out. But, John, you've done your job so well, gotten your team so highly functional that I think we could survive a few shows a week without you. We'd like to offer you two days a week on a consult retainer."

"What does that…" I trailed off, trying to understand all of the information that was being thrown at me and Alex.

"That you get two more days off a week." Alex whispered, _so smart_.

"Sir, with all due respect, though, this paycheck is-"

Washington cut me off, "nonsense, we're going to keep you on consult retainer, should anything go wrong, you'll be expected to come in and fix it, and there may be some later nights or earlier mornings, and obviously, this offer is only in place for the duration of the run of this show, you're a theatre employee first, but I have no reason to believe that this show will not run here for many years to come. Your pay will stay the same, but this way you and Alexander can have an easier time sorting out childcare, it's my understanding that young Philip has really taken to you."

I bit my lip, still trying to understand.

"How do you…"

"How do you think?" the older man smiled knowingly.

"Lafayette," I sighed.

"Sir, if you'll just give us a moment," Alex smiled and held up a hand gently to pause the conversation, he turned to me and took my hand, "babe, do you want this? I mean, I _cannot_ ask you to do this, to spend so much time with my kid, yeah, it would make it easier, but he isn't your responsibility."

I nodded and turned back to Washington and beamed, "thank you, sir, I'm so grateful and elated, what should I expect my new schedule to be?"

"Two show days, I need you Fridays, Saturdays, and Sundays for certain."

"Are you sure?" Alex whispered to me.

I ignored his question and returned it with my own, "Carmen has a tough time getting him on Wednesdays, right?"

Alex nodded, "yeah, uh, Fernando takes him to the bodega on Tuesdays and then Sonny takes him home."

We worked out the new schedule, Alex kept a pleading look continuously in his eyes, seeming almost certain that I didn't want this. Once we left Washington's office with the tentative schedule in place he drug me outside for a cigarette. I bummed a few drags off of it.

"Are you sure?" He crouched down and bounced on the balls of his toes.

I crouched with him and cupped his cheek, "of course I'm sure, sugar."

"Philip isn't your… responsibility."

"Hey, hey, stop," I hushed him, "he's not my kid, I mean, that's all you, my love, but I love him and a few extra nights with him each week? That's just making up for lost time."

"Lost time?" His eyebrows knit together and he took a drag off his cigarette.

I nodded, "yeah, you know, for all the years I missed out on, for all the years it was just you trying to figure everything out."

He shrugged and looked away, "that's just us. The Hamilton boys, just us."

I took his free hand in both of mine, "no, darlin', all three of us. I'm here now, too. Sorry I'm late."

Alex found it in himself to laugh halfheartedly at my lame joke, "you'll let me know if it gets to be too much?"

"It couldn't be too much."

"John," he looked at me seriously, "just… promise me?"

"Okay, Alex, yes, I'll let you know if hanging out with the fantastic child of the most beautiful boy in the world gets to be too much."

He smiled weakly and I pulled him to stand and hugged him against me.

"You're bad at this." I smirked.

"At what?"

"Letting me love you as much as I want to." I rubbed his back briskly.

Alex bit his lip around a smirk, "that might be true. How much do you want to love me?"

"Still got that futon if you want me to show you." I quirked an eyebrow and watched the blood drain from his face.

"John…" his tongue danced across his lip.

"What is it, darlin'?"

He leaned into my chest and flicked his smoke to the ground before tucking his cold hands between us, "I love you."

"I know you do," I kissed the tip of his nose, "but I love you more."

"This isn't all too fast?"

"I mean, you said you were all or nothing and I'm a couple bungee cords short of a bona fide adrenaline junkie, isn't fast kind of a given for us?"

"Yeah, I suppose you're right."

"Hey, so do you want me to bring Philip here? I mean, Washington said I could leave for school pick up, but then I still need to be at the show this week to delegate responsibilities and get the team up to speed."

"It's a school night." Alex pursed his lips, thinking of what would be best for his boy.

"Still… got that… futon?" I bit back a laugh.

"Isn't that thing like completely tainted by us?"

"Alex, consider your logic. If that was the case, cross out your bed, the shower, the dining table, the couch, the kitchen counter-"

"Okay, you make a fair point,"

"I can keep going - the floor of the living room, the laundry closet, oh, psh, the bathroom counter."

"Okay, okay, I get you." He chuckled and it was the most beautiful sound in the world.

I kissed him just to see what his little laugh would taste like.

"I guess bring him here, yeah." Alex agreed.

"I'm on it."

I went to my booth and got my jacket and headed out for the subway up to Philip's school. He ran up and hugged me.

"John! You got to come get me!" He squealed as I spun him and his backpack in a circle.

"I sure did, cool if that happens more?"

He nodded and puffed out his cheeks before letting the air out with the high pitched squeak of a pinched balloon.

"You're silly," I poked his cheek and set him down.

He took my hand as we started walking, "do you want to see the drawing I made today?"

"Always!"

While we waited for the train he crouched and rooted through his bag, looking so much like Alex as he sifted through the bag-crumpled papers.

"Here!" He brandished a drawing at me.

I stared at it, there were three triangle bodied people with brown swirls of hair, all holding claw-like hands with the shortest in the middle. The three people grinned through pink lips under dark eyes.

"Is that you and your daddy and me?"

He nodded and I helped him onto the train where we found a seat, "we had to draw our families and this kid was being mean to mean that I only have my daddy and he has two parents and so I drew you, too… 'cause you're part of our family."

I studied the drawing more closely and grinned, "what's this?" I pointed to a giant rectangle, almost the size of another of the people by Alex.

"Oh, that's daddy's coffee." Philip told me knowingly.

"Oh, well, that does make sense. So who was being mean to you?"

"This boy named George."

"Hmm, is he mean a lot?"

"Sometimes… he says I don't have a mommy because she didn't love me, that kids who are loved have two parents, so I drew you, 'cause you love me."

I hugged his shoulders, "that I do, kid. Lots of people love you."

"Sometimes he says I'm not very good at drawing… I think maybe he is right, 'cause I'm not very good at people."

"People are super hard, you'll get better."

He nodded and we spent the rest of the ride with him telling me about his day and me telling him about our new schedule arrangement much to his delight. He hurried to find Alex and squeezed him in a bear hug. I pecked a kiss on Alex's lips.

"Thanks, sweetheart." He smiled at me.

"No problem. Hey, turtle, you wanna come with me?" I asked Philip.

"Yeah! Daddy, I can, right?"

"Yeah, babe, that's fine," Alex looked at me, "no climbing, tethering, dangling, scaffolding, catwalking, etc. with my boy."

"Got it." I winked at him and took Philip's hand as we started down the corridor.

"Jack!" Alex called after me.

"Got it, darlin'!"

"Where are we going?" Philip asked me.

"Up to my booth."

"Like in a restaurant?"

"No, booth, like a tiny room. It's where I help make all the lights happen."

"Hmm." Philip sounded skeptical as we climbed the steps to the booth.

I held the door for him and he stared with his mouth hung wide open at the panel.

"You know what all these are?" I pointed to the knobs and switches.

He shook his head.

"They make the lights go on and off. Flick this one." I pointed to a switch and Philip pressed it.

The stage grew hot and white with a sharp beam.

"Now try… this one." I guided his hand to another, and blue lights swirled across the stage.

"Wow!" Philip squealed.

"Pretty cool?"

"Super cool." He eyed my stash of Sour Patch Kids.

"You want some?"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah!" He clapped and wiggled.

I took a few blue and red ones out for him and he munched on them.

"You have toys, too." He pointed at the Robin and Flounder action figures on my desk.

"Yup."

"Why?"

"I dunno, I like them, I suppose, but, hey, c'mere. Wanna show you something."

I pulled him up into my lap and grabbed my sketchbook off the desk and flipped it open to a sketch on one of the first pages, a quick doodle of Lafayette, mostly just pencil scratches.

"Is that Lafayette?" He wrinkled his nose.

"Sure is." I nodded and flipped forward to the first sketch I'd ever done of Alex, it was rough and harsh, from before I'd memorized the lines of his face.

"Who's that?"

"Wanna see?" I asked.

He nodded excitedly and I flipped a few pages ahead, mindful of what those pages contained and showed him another one of Alex, his hair tossed up, eyes heavy with fatigue, scruff on his face. Philip squealed and hugged my sketchbook.

"That's my daddy!"

"Yeah."

"John," he was very serious, "did you make this drawing?"

I nodded, "yup, I sure did."

"Wow." He swept his fingers lightly over the page and I turned it to another one.

"John," Philip pulled a face, "that is _me!"_

"Mhm, sure is you. Good job."

"How do you draw people so good?"

"Lots and lots of practice. I used to get sad a lot, because I only had my daddy, and he wasn't nice like yours, so to make myself feel happy I'd draw. I drew every single day, and now it's way easier."

"I probably can't ever draw like you."

"Bet you can."

He shook his head, and I wanted to shake every boy who bore the Hamilton name for letting mean people steal their fire.

"Take a look at these." I sat on the floor and rooted through a milk crate under my desk for the careworn, yellow sketchbook, furled pages swollen with time and humidity and handed it to Philip.

"What is this?" He asked me and sat in my lap.

"This was my sketchbook way back in the nineties."

"Before I was alive?"

"Way before then."

He looked at the first page and covered his mouth while he giggled, "it's not very good."

"Right? I told you." I flipped to a page where I'd drawn my sister and myself, both of us bore the same claw hands that Philip had drawn.

"But you got better?"

I nodded and reached into the milk crate for a black sketchbook, it was a gift from my aunt on my twelfth birthday, the drawings inside were noticeably better.

"I like these ones!" Philip exclaimed.

I heard the door to the booth open and Philip and I looked up to see Alex in the doorway.

"Hey, guys, I figured you might be up here, what are you doing?"

"Looking at John's drawings." Philip told his father.

"John!" Alex gasped and stooped to pick up the sketchbook still open on the portrait of Philip I'd done.

"Hmm? Oh, yeah."

"That's my baby." Alex grinned at the page and flipped through the sketchbook.

He gasped again and I looked up to see his cheeks flush bright red, his lip sucked into his mouth. He clapped the book shut and stared at me.

"It's almost time for the house to open." He said, sounding flustered.

"Cool, thanks."

"I'm gonna go pick up dinner, any requests?"

"Tamales!" Philip cheered.

"Nope, not down here." Alex vetoed.

"How about just pick up a pizza?" I suggested.

"I don't like sauce." Philip crossed his arms.

"Stop, you're fine," Alex shook his head at Philip and kissed the tops of our head, "back soon, guys."

Philip and I kept looking through my old sketchbooks.

"Can you put artwork up in your office?" Philip asked.

"Yeah, sure."

"I want to put the drawing of our family up in your office so you remember that you're in our family."

"Are you sure?"

He nodded vigorously, "yeah, 'cause then someday I'll be better and I'll make you a new one."

"Thanks, buddy. I think that's a good plan." I smiled at him and accepted his hug.


	6. Chapter 6

**Brace yourselves, we're heading into the choppy waters of some hurt/comfort action. Thank you so much for your constant support! Enjoy!**

* * *

I washed the last of the dishes and set them in the drying rack before grabbing a towel to start drying them and putting them away. Philip leaned against the counter beside me.

"What's up, kid?" I asked him.

"Just been thinkin'."

"Oh, yeah, about what?"

The plates clattered as I stacked them in the cupboard.

Philip pulled the ends of his curls until the coils straightened and let them spring back around his face, "well, you live here now and so does my daddy… you help make our house nice and so does my daddy… and you take care of me and so does my daddy… does that make you my daddy, too?"

I set the rest of the plates in the cupboard and wheeled around to crouch in the cramped kitchen next to Philip, "no, hey, listen. I'm never gonna try and be your daddy, okay? You have a pretty darn amazing daddy, and I'm never never gonna get in the way of that. Just because of those things, that doesn't mean that I'm gonna try and take over what you guys have."

I gripped his tiny arms and nodded trying to drive the point home, I didn't want to be a wicked stepmother. Philip nodded back and looked at the ground.

"I guess some kids just get one parent." His voice was so tiny, I felt my heart shatter and knew that despite my best efforts I hadn't given him the answer he was looking for.

"Hey, hey, buddy, listen. I still love you a whole lot and I really care about you. I don't have to be your dad to do that. I just mean that I'm not going to try and get in the way of you and your dad."

Philip's eyes swam and his little nostrils flared, "do you… what about if you and daddy got married? Then could I be your kid, too?"

I blew out a breath, not ready for this line of questioning, and sat all the way on the floor, stretching my legs out in front of me, noticing the peas that had rolled under the counter next to the stove from last night's dinner.

"Well, if that happens, then I guess you'd be my stepkid and I'd be your stepdad."

"'Cause since you didn't make me I'll never get to be your real kid." The first tear broke free and I swiped it with my thumb.

"That's kind of how it works, but, do you know that I love you lots?"

A sob pulled out of his chest and his lip stuck out as he nodded at me, "I love you, too, John."

"Awh, come here, love." I wrapped him in my arms and let him cry himself out pressing kisses into his hair.

After his sobs quieted I wiped his face and asked him gently, "so, what's up? Are kids being mean to you again about just having your daddy?"

He shrugged, "not so much, but sometimes they do, but mostly, just 'cause I like you."

"Yeah? You're pretty sweet, I like you, too. Love you a whole bunch, even."

"When will daddy be home?"

"Late. You know that, turtle. He'll be home long after you're asleep. Speaking of, let's get started on teeth and jammies."

He hugged me again and went off to get started on his bedtime routine. I finished doing the dishes and he came back dressed in his pajamas and grinning.

"I'm all ready! See my clean teeth?"

"Good job!"

"Will you read to me?"

"Of course." I wiped my hands and followed him to his bedroom, deciding that sweeping could happen after he was down for the night.

I pulled the blankets back and he curled up in his bed, I scooted in next to him and picked up his book. He snuggled into my arms and chewed at his hands.

"Stop, babe." I whispered and flipped the book open to the dogear and started to read to him, he pulled his hands out of his mouth.

He was warm and cozy against me and his fidgeting settled the longer that we read.

Alex's voice stirred me, "come to bed, sweetheart."

I blinked and gained an awareness of my surroundings, Philip slept soundly cuddled against my chest, the book I'd been reading to him was dropped against my lap. I stared up at Alex in the lamplight, the dark circles under his eyes not escaping my notice. I made myself peel away from Philip and went to our bedroom across the hall. I pulled off my jeans and crawled into bed with Alex, my phone was already plugged into the charger next to his. I smirked at his thoughtfulness. He stumbled just barely as he took off his own pants, I noticed, though.

"What time is it?" I asked.

"Just after five." He answered sheepishly.

"Five?" I welcomed him into my arms, our skin to skin contact stirred me and I kissed his shoulder.

"Yeah."

"Did you just get home?"

"Nah, we wrapped early, I was home by… midnight-ish? Just working on some stuff, you guys seemed content, but I wanted to at least have some time with you and I'm finally tired."

"You seem exhausted." I rubbed his shoulder lazily.

"Yeah."

"I didn't even realize I fell asleep reading."

"It was pretty cute, gotta say. Shel Silverstein will get you, man."

"I know, right."

"Was he okay tonight?"

"Yeah, he got kind of emotional about whether or not I could ever be his dad. I dunno, I did what I could."

Alex slid his hand into the waistband of my boxers and yawned, "yeah, he's been mentioning that lately, sorry, hope it wasn't weird for you."

"No, I just hope I said the right stuff. I think I suck at this."

"I'm sure you were great."

"Love you." I leaned down to kiss him.

"Love you more, John."

"Not possible."

The cracked door swung open and Philip padded across the room wordlessly and crawled over Alex, wedging himself between us, he faced Alex, who held him in his arms, I kept my arm under Alex's head and the other arm hung over them both, wrist on Alex's hip. Philip's curls made my nose itch as I kissed his head.

"You were warm." Philip mumbled.

The morning routine was chaotic as usual, the dark shadows under Alex's eyes hadn't left him He pulled his hair into a greasy bun and stared at the coffee pot while he fixed Philip a bowl of cereal, willing it to brew faster.

"What can I do to help, darlin'?" I asked.

"Blegh," Alex responded with a shrug, earning a chuckle from me, "Pip! Come eat."

Philip didn't appear.

"Philip! Get out here! Eat! Come on, we're gonna all be late!" He snapped.

I rubbed Alex's arm and kissed his cheek, "'Lex, babe, be sweet."

Philip sat at the table, eyebrows reaching for each other over tired eyes. Alex looked deflated, realizing that he had been short with his boy, he glowered, too tired to muster an apology. I ran a hand over his back and reached over his head and pulled down a coffee cup, filling it for him. He leaned his head into my chest and mumbled his gratitude. I went to the living room and found Philip's shoes, one of them under the couch and put them on the boy while he ate.

"Thanks, John!" Philip swung his sneakered feet.

"My pleasure, hey, it's chilly and rainy, so jacket today."

"Chilly _and_ rainy! Why?" Philip groaned, putting his bowl in the sink.

"Don't argue, Pip." Alex sniped.

"I wasn't!" Philip bit back.

Alex narrowed his eyes and I sighed at the tension and caught Alex's eye. He was too tired to think clearly and was grumpy because of it. He helped Philip put his backpack on and grabbed his keys, flashlight, and pocket knife out of the bowl by the door. We set off for the day, dropped Philip off at school and made our way to the theatre.

"We're taking a nap." I told him.

"Oh?" His lips tucked into a smirk around his cigarette.

"No, a real nap. You're a cranky bitch."

He yawned and wiped his eyes under his glasses, "fair. Sorry."

"Don't apologize, I know you didn't sleep well last night. Want to talk about it?"

He wiped his nose and flicked his cigarette to the ground, "I dunno. I kind of feel guilty."

"About what?" I held the door for him and he smiled back at me and shook his head.

I followed him down the hallway to my old green room. We curled up together on the futon and I pulled the old comforter over us, tucking it around him.

"What's on your mind?" I stroked his stubbly cheek.

He bit his lip and I watched as his long eyelashes fluttered, "I feel guilty about how much I ask of you."

"What do you mean, sugar?"

He took my hand in his and let out a long, shaky breath, "I fall so short of the man I want to be."

"No, you're perfect."

He chuckled dryly, "you're raising my kid, I'm snippy with him, I don't know, I'm just mad at myself."

"You're having a bad day, it's fine. We all have bad days."

"I just… I don't want all of this put on you. It's been four months."

"Five." I corrected gently.

"Even still, you're young and so fucking hot, what are you doing wasting your time playing house with me?" Alex took his glasses off and carefully folded the arms down.

I ran my tongue over my teeth and thought carefully about what to say, "are those Thomas's words?"

This was enough to break him and for the second time in twelve hours a Hamilton cried in my arms. He nodded into my chest and sobbed.

"Is that what's been keeping you up?" I caressed his back.

He cried harder and nodded again.

"Alex, babe, no. I love this life. I never thought I could have this life. It was drilled into me that I could never have a family. That the punishment for my… _sins…_ was that I'd never get to have a family, but I found you. You're my loophole. I love this life. You're like the ramen noodles of family."

He looked up at me with red, dark eyes and laughed, throwing his head back, "ramen noodles?"

"Just add water." I winked.

"You're an angel. You're so… how did I get you? More importantly, how have I kept you?"

"Nice ass, you get my weird work hours, cute kid, warm bed?"

"I guess." He curled closed to me and shivered.

I tucked the blankets tighter around him and he stroked my arm with chilly fingers, "do me a favour?"

"Anything."

He chewed at his thumb, "when you do leave… just be good to Philip?"

"You don't really think I'm going to leave," I told him, "if you thought that, you'd have never asked me to move in. Did Thomas ever move in?"

He looked at me and blinked, I'd caught him in his bluff, "no."

"See? Trust yourself, 'Lex. Just a little bit. You know what you're doing. You know I'm not going anywhere, that's why you asked me to move in, that's why you let me take care of Philip, that's why you wrote a song for me. You're just scared."

He nodded, "I am. You scare me, Jack. I'm not used to being scared like you are. I don't like it like you do."

I pulled him closer into me, "do you know why I like it?"

"Why?"

"I used to hate being scared, but I got so used to it that I leaned into it. Now I like it, I chase it."

"You did?"

"Oh, God, yeah, all the time… there's… a reason I don't talk about growing up, it wasn't good. I don't have a lot in the way of happy memories, but it's okay, I learned to chase the fear."

"That's not me, though, John. I don't like to feel scared… or not in control."

"You don't have to be scared of me."

"I'm not… not really, you just have so much power over me, you could… fuck up all my shit."

"Probably could. Never gonna."

"I trust you." He nuzzled down into my chest and threaded his legs through mine.

"Good. I trust you. We're good. I'm never gonna hurt you, 'Lex. You or Philip. Now please go to sleep."


	7. Chapter 7

**You guys are for real the best for hanging around. My classes and work are going to kill me, and life is just insane. Good, but insane. So thank you a million times over for the love and support that you sling on me with every chapter. Shadow and Paggers, my ride-or-die readers, you guys don't even know how much I appreciate it. To all of my other readers, you guys are all a badass-and-a-half. Thank youuuu!**

* * *

Alex stood onstage and looked up at me, hands on his hips.

"What's up?" I called down to him as I changed the gel in one of the lamps.

"Just watching."

I popped the gel in place and hooked my knees over the truss then swung my torso back, dangling by my legs from the truss, secured by my harness. Alex and the stage were upside down, his casual observance had been replaced by a look of horror.

"Hi!" I shouted down to him and waved, letting my arms hang over my head.

"John! Why are you trying to kill yourself?"

"I'm totally safe!" I combed through my swinging hair and rocked myself back and forth.

"No, I, you, no, stop it." He couldn't even string together a full sentence.

With a laugh I used my core to sit up and right myself and climbed back onto the truss, clipped myself down the length before hopping onto the catwalk and finally descending the ladder.

"Hi, darlin'," I kissed Alex when I got to the ground.

"You're a freak of nature." He chuckled to himself and kissed me again, I felt his hardness in the space between us.

My face was still hot from the extra blood that had rushed to my head, "you like it."

"Maybe a little bit." He blushed.

"Hey, got a surprise for you."

"What's that?"

"Y'know how we don't have a show Wednesday?"

"Right."

"Waitress does, got us tickets."

His face melted into a pleased pout and he hugged me, "John, you didn't."

"I did. I know you've been wanting to see it. _And_ the Solarios are gonna take Philip for the night, and take him to school Thursday, so I also booked us a hotel for the night, we'll get dinner, then go to the show, and then we go get drinks, I take you back to the hotel and have my way with you until five minutes before our call and we walk to work. How does that sound?"

"John, that sounds amazing. Why? What's so special, though?"

"You? I don't know, we haven't had the chance to go on like a couple's weekend or anything, and I know you won't let me do something big for your birthday so this seemed like fun, want to spoil you a little bit. Don't worry, either, it's all totally cleared with Pip, he's excited to get to work the dispatch."

"I love you."

I squeezed him into a hug, "love you, too. I just want to make my man happy."

"You do. Every day, all the time. But, hey… it's not too expensive, right?"

"Don't worry about it. I just want us to have a nice night. Now go to work, ya lazy bum." I winked at him and slapped his ass lightly.

"You get to work!" He called over his shoulder.

I dashed excitedly through the bowels of the theatre and found Lafayette in his office, going over notes for the cast once they arrived.

"Laf, have I told you lately how pretty you are?"

He looked at me out of the corner of his eye and tightened his ponytail, "I'm listening."

I sat in the chair next to him at the mirror, "thanks, Alex is really excited, couldn't have pulled this off without you."

"It is nothing, mon ami, as I said before, I save up points to travel home for Christmas, but this Christmas we have shows, so I will not go, the points expire at the end of the year, someone should use them."

"Just… still. Thanks again."

"Alexander is very deserving. I am happy to help my friends."

"And speaking of _helping your friends_ , Hercules getting any help from you?"

Lafayette's eyes went wide and he cleared his throat, "it is… how you say… casual."

"Ooh, Laf Laf Laf… you are gonna get your heart so broken."

"I will do no such thing." He tutted.

"Okay, sure." I winked at him and left the room to hole up in my booth with my sketchbook until places.

The few weeks that I'd been working with my new schedule made me appreciate everything more, I was happier to be at work because I got to do it less and it felt more exciting to be there, and I was excited to spend more time with Philip, but the most surprising thing was how each activity made me long for the other. I missed working on my nights at home, but on nights like this at the theatre I missed Philip, our routine of me getting him from school, snacks and homework help, making him dinner, us eating together and talking about our days, bedtime stories.

As call time drew closer I thought more about Philip, wondering if he'd eaten all of his dinner or if his homework was done. Alex came up into my booth and leaned against me. I pulled him into my lap and let him nuzzle into my chest. Our headsets emitted a gentle buzz at being so close together, I reached behind me and clicked mine off.

"Tired?" I asked him.

He nodded and pressed a kiss to my neck, "what are you thinking about?"

"Wondering if Philip got his science project done. I never got a chance to get him pipe cleaners."

""We can get some tonight," he sat up and looked at me, "you're really thinking about that?"

"Yeah, why's that so weird?"

"It's… not, it's amazing, I'm just amazed by you."

"Whatever," I kissed his nose.

"I'm so glad we get some downtime. How much do you know about the homework situation?"

I thought through what Philip had told me last night, "just that science project, he got math done on the train home on Friday."

"You've got him doing homework on the train?" Alex's eyes were wide.

"Yeah… is that bad?"

"No, man, I'm fucking jealous, I've been trying that shit since last year."

"What can I say? I'm awesome."

"You sure are, sweetheart."

I spent the show in my booth, working on my latest sketch of Alex, I met him backstage after the show and we walked hand in hand the train station sharing a cigarette.

"Looks like snow." He remarked, flicking his smoke to the ground before we descended the escalator.

"Little bit." I nodded.

Alex napped on me on the ride up to our neighbourhood, I scrolled through instagram with a hand on his knee, waking him once we'd reached our stop.

"Thanks for letting me nap." He smiled at me.

I nodded and we climbed up to the street, almost in front of the salon. Carmen grinned at us and went to the office in the back to retrieve Philip.

"Hi guys!" Philip hugged us.

"Hey, baby!" Alex picked him up and hugged him tightly.

"Hi John," Carmen smiled at me while Alex and Philip had their moment.

"How was your day?" I asked her.

She shrugged, "nothing too exciting. Not like your job."

"It's not that exciting." I brushed it off.

"Alright, tell Miss Carmen bye." Alex told Philip.

"Bye, thanks for looking after me."

"Any time, bye!" She poked his nose.

I waved over my shoulder at her and followed my boys outside into the blustery evening and watched Alex shiver as he set Philip down to walk on his own.

"Daddy, it's so cold!" Philip whined.

"I know! Who let that happen?" Alex started to unzip his coat.

I hurried to pull my coat off and wrapped Philip in it, the arms hung over his hands and the bottom nearly drug the ground.

"John, you'll get cold." Alex protested, teeth chattering.

"I'm fine." I promised.

The wind cut through the thin thermal henley I wore, I clamped my jaw shut to keep from shivering. Alex and I reached into the long arms of my coat and each took one of Philip's warm little hands for the walk home.

"Did we think through dinner yet?" Alex asked.

"Nope, I got nothing." I shrugged as he unlocked the door.

"Shit. Okay, I'll figure something."

"Can't we just have pizza, daddy?" Philip asked.

"You don't like sauce." Alex reminded him.

"No, I love pizza! Pizza!"

Alex rolled his eyes, "okay, sure, yeah."

I ordered us pizza with Philip input for toppings and we cuddled on the couch under a blanket watching Duck Tales while we waited for dinner to be delivered.

Philip ate almost two and a half slices of pizza by himself to mine and Alex's shock. After dinner, I heated milk on the stove and made hot chocolate. Snow began to fall outside and Philip pressed his nose to the window.

He ran into the kitchen, "John! It's snowing!"

"Isn't that awesome! First snow!"

"I love it!"

"Come here, Pip." Alex called, stepping into his Vans.

"What, daddy?"

Alex picked him up and wrapped them both in the comforter we'd drug out on the couch to warm up with. He stepped out on the fire escape and I listened to Philip's squeals of delight and the tinkling bell of Alex's laughter as I poured the cocoa, adding an ice cube to Philip's mug. I stood in the living room and stared out at them wrapped in the giant comforter, Philip reaching to catch snowflakes, Alex pointing at different things. My heart melted at the sight.

Finally too cold, Alex brought them inside and set Philip down. He ran to me on the couch and jumped up next to me, wedging his cold sock-feet under my thigh. I handed him his mug and warned him to be careful.

"Daddy?" Philip looked at Alex with a hot chocolate mustache.

"What's up, baby?"

"Can me and John listen to you play piano?"

"Nah, you guys don't want to do that," Alex brushed him off.

"Come on, daddy!" Philip pleaded.

"Yeah, come on, daddy!" I chimed in.

Alex glared at me despite his smiling eyes.

"Please!" Philip begged.

"Alright, just for a bit." Alex conceded to our pleas.

We followed him into our bedroom and he cleared his desk to set up his keyboard and unplugged the headphones. I pulled the blankets back and Philip hopped into our bed, I slid in behind him and leaned on my elbow. Philip's still-frigid feet tucked themselves between my thighs as Alex sorted through the sheet music in his hands.

"I swear to God, you both have the worst circulation." I laughed, holding Philip's chilly hands and exhaling warm air onto his fingers while he shivered against me.

Alex chuckled back and breathed on to his own fingers, wiggling them to get the blood flowing before he began to play, "yeah, that's probably true."

He started to play and Philip watched him in wonder, his head swaying side to side, little curls bobbing as he did. I twisted them around my fingers and sat us up, tucking him in my lap and starting to braid back pieces as Alex sang something I didn't recognize, whether it was his own creation or not I couldn't tell, but he played it enough that Philip sang along with him.

Once the song was over, Philip and I cheered him on, earning a blush and a plea for me to be quiet.

"Alright, Pip, you ready for this one?" Alex looked over his shoulder.

"Yeah!" Philip squealed eagerly.

I started braiding a new section and Alex stroked the first keys of the new song. Philip bounded away from me and flung himself on his knees to sit next to Alex on the bench.

"This one, daddy?" Philip pointed to a key.

Alex tenderly moved, Philip's hand over two keys, still playing with his left hand, "there ya go."

Philip nodded and stared at the music. I rolled onto my stomach and watched them. Alex started to sing and Philip tried to keep pace, I heard the conscious shift as Alex slowed the music down to sing with Philip, helping him remember the words. I laughed recognizing the song.

Excitedly, Philip stroked the key under his finger when Alex nodded to him, it always rang either too long or too short, but Alex just smiled and kept singing.

Once the song was over Philip stood up on the bench and bowed to me.

"Get down, goober." Alex hugged his boy around the knees.

Philip grew very serious, "daddy, the audience can't see our bow if we don't stand up from the pit."

"Oh, well that's a good point." Alex braced a hand on his desk and stood up on the bench next to his boy and bowed, he thrust a hand in Philip's direction and kept his other hand on Philip's shoulder while the boy bowed, hands clasped in front of him.

I pushed myself up to stand on the bed and clapped and whistled as Philip motioned to Alex with a grin and he bowed, once he righted himself, Philip threw a hand behind him, I cheered for the imaginary actors and running crew. Alex winked and gestured up before them to the lights and sound, I grinned and kept cheering. Philip jumped off the bench, likely to the dismay of the neighbours downstairs. I caught him in my arms and flung us back on the bed, both of us laughing. Alex grinned and stepped down from the bench.

"Sweeney Todd, definitely kid friendly," I smirked.

"Shut up. Not While I'm Around is sweet." Alex laughed.

"That's mean to say," Philip chided his father, "and daddy says I'm not allowed to see that musical."

"Probably not for a while." I agreed.

"Play more, daddy!" Philip cheered.

"Nah, you guys don't want to just keep listening."

Philip nodded emphatically and I agreed, "at least one more, darlin'."

"Alright, alright."

I recognized Bring Him Home from Les Mis and snuggled back up to Philip under the blankets. After a few more songs, Philip snored in my arms, Alex turned around to see him sleeping and I only hoped that he recognized the adoration on my face. Adoration of him, of Philip, of our lives.

"You play so beautifully." I whispered.

"Thanks." He chuckled.

"Play my song?"

He nodded and found the music, I listened intently as he played the song he'd written for me. Once he was done he turned off the keyboard, silencing the fuzzy electrical buzz.

"Coming to bed?" I asked him.

He bent over Philip and kissed me, "last cigarette, be right there. You want me to take him to bed?"

"I'll do it." I smiled.

Alex left and traced the curve of Philip's nose, running my finger over the bridge of freckles. He wrinkled his nose in his sleep and pushed my hand away. I giggled and slipped out of bed around him and scooped him up into my arms and carried him to bed. I tucked him in and turned on his electric blanket, keeping it on low. I kissed his forehead and he nuzzled against my hand.

"Night, daddy." He mumbled.

I didn't bother correcting him, I never did, "goodnight, baby."

Alex was already waiting in bed for me. I wrapped my arms around him and kissed him.

"Tonight was fun," he admitted, "it's really snowing out there."

"Yeah? It was fun, wasn't it? Thanks for playing."

"Thanks for listening."

I kissed him again, soft and sweet in the dark, the snow muted the sounds on the street. His mouth was warm and tasted like home.

"I can't wait to take you out." I told him, our faces still touching.

"I still can't believe you pulled that off."

"Better start believing it, good old John Laurens used to be known as something of a Lothario."

"That so?"

I nodded, "oh, yeah, maybe even a sugar daddy."

"What happened?"

"I came out and my dad cancelled my credit card." I laughed it off.

"That'll do it."

"But I still try and do my fair share of spoiling."

"You do… and you spoil my kid."

"Rotten." I agreed.

"So rotten, inconceivably rotten."

He kissed me and tucked his cold hands into my waistband, I cupped his cheek and kissed him until we were both sleeping.


	8. Chapter 8

**Part one of the big date! John and I are both having a little bit too much fun spoiling Alex.**

* * *

I woke up to a cold bed and stretched, Alex's piano bench was vacant. I wiped my face and got up to look for him. I peeked in on Philip, spread diagonally across his bed and smiled to myself at the sight. On the dining table, under the soft glow of the light over the stove I saw a note written in Alex's unmistakable hand.

 _Out for a walk. All good. Back soon._

 _Love you._

 _A_

The microwave told me that it was after three in the morning. I yawned on my way into the kitchen and emptied yesterday's coffee grounds into the trash before setting a new filter in the basket and scooping coffee in. I poured water into the tank and started the pot so that whenever he came back - frozen to the bone - it would be ready for him. I leaned against the counters and yawned, grinning as the house filled with the smell of coffee, of Alex himself. The deadbolt slid free and Alex carefully, quietly crept inside.

"Hey," I said softly.

He startled, whispering under his breath, "fuck me," years of trained silence from working theatre was hard to break.

"Didn't mean to scare you, sugar." I went to him as he hung his coat up and kicked off his shoes.

"Why are you up, babe? Wait… are you making coffee?"

"Yeah, figured you'd be cold, and that you were still up, or at least wouldn't be going back to sleep. I _just_ put it on, it's like your Bat Signal, I make coffee and all of a sudden, boom! Alex Hamilton, here in the flesh."

He hugged me and I felt how cold he was. I tried not to flinch when his frigid fingers crawled under my t-shirt and gripped into my lower back.

"You're the most amazing. Thanks for being here."

"Yeah, of course… where did you go?"

"Just on a walk, I get better ideas when I'm up moving around and I was getting tired so I wanted to get the blood flowing, y'know."

"Obviously you were getting tired. Most people go to bed when they feel tired, ding dong, do you know what time it is?" I razzed him.

He looked over his shoulder at the clock on the microwave and shrugged, sing-songing sweetly, "you wanna make me a cup of coffee?"

"I'm an enabler." I sighed at myself and went to fix him a cup.

"Thanks, sweetheart. You should go back to bed." He took the steaming mug from me.

"Will you come with me?" I asked.

"I suppose if only just to cuddle you and get warm." He agreed.

We went to the bedroom, him holding his coffee mug protectively. I turned on the electric blanket, and, already feeling warm without the pile of blankets he'd shove us under, stripped down to my underwear. Alex looked at me in horror and wriggled protectively further into his hoodie.

"Oh, hush."

"I didn't say anything."

"Your eyes did."

He set his mug on the side table and crawled in bed. I crawled in after him and wrapped him in my arms, his teeth chattered.

"I'm so freaking cold."

"Well, yeah, you were outside. It's less than twenty degrees out there."

"I know… It's just been so long since I've gotten to go for a walk to figure stuff out… with Philip here alone… can't really..."

I brushed through his hair with my fingers, feeling where the roots were cold and damp with melted snowflakes.

"What were you figuring out? Something wrong?"

He shook his head, "no, no, just lyrics. Trying to imagine what the city looks like without power."

"What?"

"Song thing."

I nodded, "got it… I think. I don't really like you being out in the middle of the night. I mean, you can do whatever you want, but I don't want anything to happen to you."

"I'm fine, I stayed close to home, this is my neighbourhood, I know where to be. Worst thing to watch out for is that graffiti kid Sonny's always hanging out with."

"What's his name? Pete or something?"

"Pete? Maybe… that doesn't sound right, but good enough, I can't remember right now."

"I don't know that Graffiti Pete is the worst thing on the streets of New York at night, I worry about you."

"Graffiti Pete? Is that like his mob name?"

"I don't know, until we find out his real name it's good enough, we both know who we're talking about."

"That's fair."

"Are he and Sonny… a thing?"

"Dude! I've been trying to figure it out. 'Cause Sonny was like mad in love with the Solario girl for a hot sec, and then he like straight up moved on. He talks about Graffiti Pete all the time. Well, and damn, he hit on you for real when he first met you." His voice became more accented with his excitement.

I giggled at Alex and he whispered, "what's so funny?"

"Sometimes when you're tired and excited, I hear The Heights come out a little bit. You get this voice thing, it's the Spanish I think, you like, roll your r's and just sound different. It's cute as shit, though."

He purred something in Spanish playfully and laughed at himself, I loved the sound of his laughter more than anything in the world… other than maybe Philip's laughter.

"You get a little voice thing, too." He countered.

"How so?" I asked him.

"You get southern on me."

"No way," I laughed him off.

"You totally do… darlin'."

"Hey! That's not fair."

He tucked his hands against my chest, "but it's true. If you want to start picking on me for going all Dominicano-Puertoriqueño then I'm for sure going to point out my southern boy."

"I'm not picking on anything." I traced his knuckles with my fingertips, noticing silently how he'd curled up in his favourite sleeping position against me.

"Just saying, you get too tired and you stop adding g's to the end of 'ing' words and you take at least seven years on each syllable."

"Whatever, goof." I kissed his head.

"You know I'm right."

"Maybe… You, know I do worry about you, though."

"I know you do."

"Just because I care… _darling._ "

"iAy! That sounds weird. No, say it right."

"I dunno what you mean, darlin'."

He nuzzled against me, "that's better."

"You're about to fall asleep."

"Shh…"

I fell asleep with him snoring in my arms and we stayed like that for the two or so hours until our alarm went off. Alex got up, taking his cup of coffee with him to wake up Philip. I got out of bed and got dressed.

I came up behind Alex in the kitchen and kissed his neck while he fixed a bowl of cereal for Philip. He leaned back into my touch.

"I'm so excited for tonight with you." He told me.

"Me, too. I can't wait." I kissed the spot under his ear.

"Pippers, where are you?" Alex called, breaking away from our embrace.

While Alex went to set the bowl on the table in the living room I put the milk away.

"Right here, daddy!" He leapt into the living room, dressed in his uniform.

"Alright, come here, you gotta eat but we can watch something." Alex sat next to his boy on the couch and covered them up with the throw blanket.

"I will. I promise." Philip agreed.

"That's my boy. What should we watch?"

"Scooby!" He pleaded.

I sat next to Philip and reached around him over the back of the couch to play at the neck of Alex's sweatshirt while he set up the show. Philip ate diligently and swung his feet.

We watched Scooby and the gang solve a mystery and Philip giggled the whole way through, maybe, just maybe his laugh topped Alex's on my list of favourite things.

Alex turned the television off and got up, "alright, time for school."

Philip got up and put his bowl in the sink. We all put on shoes, and headed out the door. Philip took either of our hands and walked between us.

"And after school I don't see you for a long time, right?" Philip asked Alex.

"Just till Friday, we'll survive, John's gonna pick you up from school tomorrow and you guys can spend some time together, then when you wake up on Friday daddy's gonna be home, okay?"

He nodded sadly, "daddy, will you come give me a kiss tomorrow night when you come home?"

"Always." Alex promised.

"Do you one better, kid…" I offered.

"Yeah? What's that?" Philip stared up at me with excited eyes.

"Sleepover in the big bed and then you get all the cuddles in the world from your daddy."

"Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! And to be warm!"

"Lizard people." I shook my head.

"It's literally twenty-three degrees out." Alex reminded me.

"Yeah, it's cold, but y'all just take it to an extreme."

Alex snickered, "'y'all.'"

"Yo... soy no me gusta... you!" I laughed, trying to remember any of the Spanish he'd taught me.

"Listen up, now, y'all, it's 'me caes mal.'" He taunted me bursting into laughter at my Spanish attempt.

"Well… see, now you're just proving my point." I giggled and guided Philip onto the train.

Philip stood in front of me and Alex wrapped his arm around my waist on the busy train to stay close to one another. I pecked a kiss on his lips despite the suit that glared at us. I grinned at him and watched Alex's cheeks flame.

"It's okay, let them stare. Let them be jealous." I whispered in his ear, keeping a tight hold on Philip's shoulder as the train turned into a tunnel.

"I don't think it's because they're jealous."

"Definitely jealous of me. They look at you and think, 'god damn, what I gotta do to be freckles?'"

Alex smirked at this, "freckles?"

"I dunno, seemed vaguely insulting."

Despite our low voices, Philip caught on, "what are you guys talking about?"

I picked him up and held him on my hip, "nothing much. Just silly grown up talk."

"Blegh!"

Alex leaned over and kissed Philip's cheek, his scruff made the boy giggle and scratch at his face, "you're silly, daddy."

"That's me! Silly daddy," Alex poked the end of Philip's nose, "gonna miss you, kiddo."

Philip frowned, "I'm gonna miss you, too." He leaned his head on my shoulder and patted my back.

"But this weekend we can all go to a movie together. How does that sound?" Alex suggested.

"We can?"

"If you want to, probably."

"I really want to!"

"It's a plan, then."

I set Philip on the ground at our stop and we walked together off the train, I gave the suit one more smirk over my shoulder and squeezed Alex's ass. The suit buried his face in the newspaper.

"You just love to flirt with disaster, don't you?" Alex chuckled taking my hand as Philip ran towards school ahead of us.

"I don't know what you mean. I like to flirt with my boyfriend… but disaster?"

"That dude on the train."

"Fuck him. I ain't scared. Gonna love you out loud, don't care who sees."

"You're just so… brave… and fearless. I wish I was more like you."

"Nah, you don't you're perfect."

"I don't get how you're so… you."

"Had to be."

After we dropped Philip off I turned to Alex and fiddled with the strings on his jacket, "it's your day, sugar, what's next?"

"Can we make breakfast together?"

"I'd love that. What's on the menu?"

"Pancakes? No, fuck that, your weird biscuits and gravy. God, that shit's good. Who thinks of that, though? You know what this bread needs? Flour and milk. Like what the actual?"

"How are you simultaneously hating on and loving biscuits and gravy?"

"It's so good, but it's so weird!"

We walked to the store around the corner from our apartment and shopped together, "our first date." Alex sighed dreamily.

"Huh?"

"When you came home and cooked for me."

"You count that one as the first?"

"I mean, we kind of went out before then, but I don't know, there was something really neat about having you come home with me and I like cooking with you. You're sexy in the kitchen."

"Think so?"

He bit his lip and blushed, "maybe. I don't know. I think I have a weird kink for not having to do _everything_ by myself. You put the milk back in the fridge this morning and I got a semi."

"Sounds like you just need to get laid."

"I wish I knew someone who could help me with that."

"I know right? What a guy. I'm thinking… tall? Dashingly handsome, hung, obviously, maybe I dunno, works in theatre? Likes to put milk in the fridge? Is _really_ good at laundry?"

"Dream man, right there." Alex smirked and bounced up onto his toes to kiss me.

We got the things we'd need for breakfast, and a bouquet of winter-priced flowers just because. I carried the bags up the six flights of stairs to our apartment and set everything down on the counters.

"I'm gonna go put sweats back on." Alex called to me.

"Good call!" I joined him in the bedroom and changed into a pair of joggers before getting started with breakfast.

I fried the sausage in a skillet and my stomach growled at the smell of cooking food. Alex joined me and offered to help. He put the biscuits into the oven while I started on the gravy.

"Best part is how quickly it's ready." I told him.

"Yeah, that's good, I'm hungry."

"You know... it's hot in the kitchen." I sighed.

"Yeah?"

"Oh, yeah, I'm burning up." I bit my lip and pulled my shirt over my head, setting it on the counter, Alex's mouth fell open.

"Oh, holy shit."

"That's better. Don't _you_ think it's hot?" I made intense eye contact with him while I put the milk back in the refrigerator, licking my lips.

I popped my hips back while I whisked the gravy in the pan.

"Yeah, hot. Fucking hot." he squeezed my ass.

"You know I'm gonna fuck you silly tonight, right?"

He chuckled lightly, "'fuck you silly' is the most on-brand John Laurens shit in the world."

With my free hand, I found his fingers and pulled them to my crotch. He gasped feeling the hardness through my joggers. I turned the heat down on the skillet to let it simmer while the biscuits baked and hitched my arms under Alex's ass and lifted him onto the counter, his thighs on either side of my hips. His mouth was on mine, urgent, wet kisses. His groin grinding against me as I gripped his hair tightly. I pulled him dick free from his sweatpants and stroked it casually while I kissed him. His legs wrapped tighter against me, teeth dragging my bottom lip.

We stayed like that until the oven timer went off. I pulled the biscuit out and then two plates from the cupboard and started plating up our breakfasts.

"I hate that I'm really hungry and that looks so good. 'Cause part of me really just wants you to fuck me, but then my inner fat kid is like, 'no, Alex, food!' and fuck, food's winning."

I took our plates to the dining table and sat next to him. He took a bite of food and moaned, "Jesus, this is amazing."

"Biscuits and gravy is the aphrodisiac of the deep south." I laughed.

"I fucking believe it. Goddamn this is good."

We ate our food - _it was pretty good -_ I set the dishes in the sink and looked at Alex.

"Bed?"

He nodded and sucked his bottom lip into his mouth. We left clothing scattered around, both naked by the time we hit the mattress, he was on top of me, our mouths together, his hands fisted in my hair. I rolled him off of me and scoured the bedside table for the lube, finally finding it. I slicked my fingers and got to work on carefully, but intentionally opening him. His eyes clamped shut and his mouth fell open.

"How we doin', sugar?" I asked quietly, teasing his entrance with a third finger.

"Good. Good. It's great."

"More?"

"Please, John. More."

I slid the third finger inside and felt his body tighten before accepting me. I dropped my head to his chest and kissed his skin, nipping my way over to his nipples. He cried out and writhed against my hand. My fingers hooked inside him, searching, his cries got louder when I found my mark. I flattened my tongue against his nipple and he gasped my name. I stopped my ministrations and stared at him.

"You were close weren't you?"

He nodded, "yeah."

"Damn, how horny have you been?"

"We've been really busy… and Philip's been clingy, it's been a minute."

"I'm happy to help." I smirked and slicked my dick.

"Please do. Please, John, I really need it."

"I know you do, baby," I gripped him by his hips and yanked him down the bed making him laugh like Christmas bells, "now come here, legs up."

I hitched his calves over my shoulder and rested his lower back on my knees before slowly entering him. His mouth was a perfect circle.

"John!" He wailed once I was buried inside him.

"Yeah, that's right, we're all alone. Scream for me." I grinned down at him and started to thrust with unabashed excitement.

Every stroke was met with a moan, louder and louder. I held his thighs and pressed a kiss to the inside of his knee. His tight, hard dick bounced with every thrust. Finally, I relented to him and stroked it in pace with my own thrusts. He came quickly, my name low and guttural in his throat. It pushed me over and with a final, deep push I came hard inside him.

"Alex, you feel so fucking good." I moaned, still pulsing.

His legs fell open on either side of me. I leaned forward to kiss him and pulled out slowly, his eyes fluttered shut.

"Shower?" I suggested.

"Yeah." He nodded, making no sign of moving.

I patted his knee and got up to turn the shower on and let it warm up. He joined me in the bathroom and wrapped his arms around my chest, cheek resting on my back.

"That was so good." He sighed.

"You're so good, babe." I reached under the stream of water and felt how warm it was.

"Now I'm sleepy."

"Well good, let's just meet all my baby's needs today. Got your fed, got you fucked, get you clean, a nap. Life's good." I guided him into the shower.

"Really? A whole day of just good stuff?"

"Yup. A whole day just for you."

He dropped his head back under the mist and let his hair get wet. I couldn't resist the opportunity to kiss his neck.

"I still don't know what I did to deserve all this."

"Stop, you alone are deserving of this and everything I can give." I picked up the shampoo bottle and squirted it into my hands before rubbing it into his scalp.

"You're spoiling me."

"Yeah, so?"

"I think I kind of like it."

"I know. That's part of why I like doing it so much."

We showered and toweled off, he, unsurprisingly shivered in the cool air. I took him back to our bedroom and wrapped him in the blankets. He smiled at me.

"You turned the electric blanket on."

"Yup. Knew you'd be cold." I held him in my arms, tracing the soft lines in his arms.

"Love you, Jack."

I kissed his temple, "love you, too. Gotta say, fucking you while we have the apartment to ourselves is wild. You're quiet in general, so holy Jesus when you start actually moaning and screaming, dude, it's amazing I lasted that long. Baseball, baseball, baseball." I laughed.

"What can I say?" He shrugged.

"I'm pretty sure you said it all."

He tucked up against me and I hummed to him until he fell asleep.


	9. Chapter 9

**Hello hello! Thank you so much for being here and continuing this journey with me. A little bit of housekeeping: a lovely anon reviewed my story with concern at seeing my work under a different username of Archive of Our Own. I do publish these works of AO3 as Wrote_My_Own_Deliverance. MindAtWork was taken and I wanted to broaden my audience. I haven't been clear about my dual publishing, thank you so so much for the concern of someone claiming my works. It's all me.**

* * *

"Got everything?" I asked him.

"Think so, yeah." He zipped up his duffel bag.

"Alright, gimme just a minute," I pulled out my phone and got us a ride, "our Uber will be here in like five minutes, let's head down."

"We're taking an Uber?" Alex grinned at me.

"Oh, yeah, pulling out all the stops for my guy." I wrapped an arm around him and shouldered my bag.

Our car was outside waiting for us, I threw our bags in the trunk and got in back. The driver kept the music loud, some weird German punk. Alex and I made faces at each other in the back seat on the cruise down into the heart of Manhattan. We rolled up to our hotel and climbed out. I handed Alex his bag and took mine. We got checked in and went up to our room.

"Damn, babe. This is _swank_." Alex spun around and looked at the opulence - the _Lafayette-ness -_ of our room.

"Pretty slick, huh?" I tried to play it off, it reminded me of the hotels I grew up staying in.

"There's a mini-bar, holy shit." Alex sounded either horrified or just shocked.

"I'm your mini-bar." I unzipped my bag and pulled out a full bottle of rum.

Alex doubled over laughing, "oh, my God. You're the greatest."

"I know you." I winked.

"You sure do. Should we start getting ready?"

"Yeah, probably." I pulled my hoodie and sweats off and stepped into my slacks.

Alex stared at me while I got dressed, his eyes narrow behind his glasses, "damn, you're fine."

I kissed the air at him and buttoned my shirt. He followed suit and got dressed.

Once we were ready we left our hotel room and walked down the street for dinner. I held the door for him and went to the hostess stand. The lights were low and there was a pianist playing in the corner. Again, I was reminded of my youth.

"Hi, reservations for Laurens?" I told the young woman working the stand.

She clicked through the iPad on the stand and found our reservation.

"Right this way, Mr. Laurens."

I took Alex's hand and we followed her to our table.

"This is really nice." He played with the end of the table cloth.

"All for you." I leaned back in my chair and found my swagger, the confidence in nice places I'd modeled after my father, I had a beautiful man with me, was about to eat delicious food, what wasn't there to be confident about?

Alex looked at the menu and our server came over to introduce himself. We ordered drinks and kept looking at the menus. He brought our drinks back and we ordered dinner. After he walked away I took Alex's hands in mine.

"You excited to see the show?" I asked.

"Yeah… I'm thrilled. So excited."

"Me, too. What's the last show you saw?"

"Took Pip to Spongebob." He smiled at the memory.

"That's sweet. I don't even remember the last one I went to." I thought about it.

We chatted while we waited and then tucked into our dinners. My lamb was incredible. We gave each other bites to try. Alex's steak was also mind-blowing. I checked my phone for the time after dinner and paid the check. It was even colder as the sun went down.

We walked to the theatre. Alex leaning his head on my shoulder as we strolled down the busy street. Our tickets were scanned and we stood in the beautiful theatre. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a familiar face and pulled Alex through the crowd.

"Tom!" I waved to my old mentor, he still looked good, even pushing forty.

"John Laurens!" He hugged me.

"Tom, this is my boyfriend Alex, Alex this is Tom Paine, he was one of my gurus, honestly, I was his intern."

"Alex, nice to meet you." Tom shook Alex's hand.

"And you." Alex smiled.

"What are you doing with yourself these days, John? You look good! Got some of that metal out of your face."

I smirked, embarrassed at the callback to my youth, "I went and took your job, I'm just down the street."

"You filled that vacancy?"

"Sure did."

"Goddamn, groomed myself a Master Electrician, that's my boy. You should have seen it, Alex, your boyfriend here, God, barely eighteen, all metal and acne and freckles comes rolling up to my theatre in a falling apart, piece of shit car, and says, 'got any jobs?' in this wicked thick southern accent. I gambled on this hooligan and took him on as an intern. So, John, George is still there?"

"Yeah, he is."

"I hear that Lafayette is a damned good director."

"He is, he is. Really great team."

"And what about you, Alex? Do you get tired of all this shop talk around John? He lives and breathes it."

"Actually, I'm SM for that show." Alex grinned proudly, I bit my lip and smiled at him.

"Would you look at that! Met my wife in theatre was back when you were both babies. Hey, where are you guys sitting?"

I showed him our tickets and he scoffed, "no, forget that, come with me, son."

I smirked at Alex and we followed Tom into the theatre, he chatted with me over his shoulder, "you still sitting up on the rig for shows?"

"Yeah." My cheeks burned.

"Moron. Say, Alex, this moron ever tell you about when he dropped a Sour Patch Kid on stage from the rig in the middle of a show?"

"Okay, Tom, that's… yup… just tell Alex all… yup…"

Alex chuckled, "he left that one out. Sour Patch Kid, huh?"

"He used to be addicted to those damned candies, I'm amazed he didn't rot out all his teeth. Gee, I thought I was going to kill him that night," he glanced at me, "I thought Ben was really going to kill you."

"Is Ben still working?" I asked in shock.

"Rumour has it."

"Dude's like eighty! He's probably going to outlive me."

"He's in his seventies. Alright, there's your new seats, always got the hook up for you, John. Good to see you doing well."

"Thanks, Tom! Good to see you, too." I hugged him.

We were only a few rows back from the stage.

"That was cool." Alex commented.

"Tom's good people. Him and Lafayette kept me upright when I was first getting my New York legs."

"I love it. You're gonna have to give me some follow up info on some of those stories, though."

"Oh, God." I slunk down in my seat.

The lights dimmed before Alex could ask any more questions and I took his hand. The show was beautiful, I sat enamored next to Alex. At intermission we stood and stretched.

"Weird being in seats, isn't it?" I laughed.

"Little bit, yeah," we sat back down and I turned in my seat to face Alex, he looked so beautiful in the soft light.

He read my mind and kissed me, I spun his hair between my fingers and pulled him against me as the lights dimmed for the second act.

I wasn't surprised to hear him sniffle during She Used to be Mine, I felt choked up, but knew that there was even more significance for him. He set his glasses in his lap and wiped his face, leaning closer into me. I bent my neck and kissed his hair, stroking his shoulder in little circles with my thumb.

He sniffled again seeing Lulu and Jenna together. We were on our feet clapping during bows. I leaned over and kissed his cheek. The lights came up and we shuffled slowly to the doors with the mass of patrons.

"That was so good!" His face was still red.

"So good." I agreed.

"God, I get it. I have been Jenna." He shook his head.

"And you got your Lulu." I smiled.

"Damned right, I do. I hope Jenna gets a John, though. I'm kind of crushing it there."

"Oh, yeah. Crushing it!" I winked, "would you care to join me for a drink, sir?"

"I would love to… all the drinks."

"How bad do you wanna squeeze Philip and kiss his face right now?"

"So bad, how'd you know?"

"I kind of want to kiss his face a little bit, too," I admitted, "but I'll settle."

I took Alex's cheeks in my hands and kissed his forehead, he grinned at me.

"You're something, lets go get drinks."

I let him lead the way out of the theatre and followed him to the bar we'd first gone out to what felt like years ago. I settled into the booth across from him and ordered a beer for myself, he ordered something with rum and jalapenos.

"Cliche." I kissed his cheek.

"Shut up." He elbowed me in the ribs.

"I'll let you make me tonight in our hotel room." I promised, dropping my lips to his ear.

He composed himself enough to thank the bartender for our drinks.

His mind moved at its breakneck pace and we were onto our next topic, "did you see that haphazard change in act two?"

I shook my head, "nah, I like to just let theatre be magic, I try to pay as little attention to the reality of it as possible and just live in that sense of magic."

He sipped his spicy drink and glared at me, "cop-out. You tell me all the time that you watch me during shows."

My hand found his across the table and I circled the back of it with my thumb, "yeah, Alex, because you're the magic."

"Stop," he blushed.

"It's true, though. You're what makes that show magical, getting to watch you every night like that. That's magic. That's… God, that's what makes me love you so much."

"Yeah?" He squeezed my hand.

"Yeah, sugar," I picked his hand up to press it against my lips.

"So, what exactly do you have in mind for tonight?"

"Hm… should I tell you?"

"That's not fair." He protested.

"Fine, fine. Okay, I'm thinking we go back to the hotel, we get stark, fucking naked and cuddle up under that big, fluffy duvet, then we watch something on pay per view with tons of sex and violence and gore just because we can, and then I _fuck you silly_. Down?"

He smiled at me, "I mean, why are we even still sitting here?"

We finished our drinks and then another for good measure before heading back to the hotel. He stumbled just a little bit while smoking his cigarette on the walk, I kept an arm around him, my beers only enough to relax me.

"You're a little fucked up, aren't you?" I asked him.

"Just a tiny bit." He smirked.

We had the elevator to ourselves and I shoved him into the mirrored wall and kissed him hard. He spread his legs letting me closer against him. The elevator dinged and we composed ourselves long enough to get to our room. I threw him on the bed and climbed on top of him. The heat of our passion simultaneously speeding and slowing time down.

Alex worked to unbutton my shirt while I kissed him, he tore his mouth away from mine and sucked at my collarbones. I could feel the stiffness of his cock between us, against my own. He nipped at my flesh hard enough that I was sure it would leave bruises.

"I wanna fuck you." He mumbled.

"That's definitely what's happening here." I kissed his throat.

"No, John, _I_ want to fuck _you_."

I got it and sprang to action, "yes, yes, sweet fucking Jesus, yes, darlin', fuck me."

He chuckled and I got off of him to get the lube out of my bag, he waited naked in the bed for me and I tossed the lube on the bed next to him. I stepped out of my shoes and dropped my open shirt off of my shoulders before taking my time pulling my undershirt off. He bit his lip and gaped at me while I undid my belt and slid it out of the loops on my pants. My hands were at the button on my slacks and I carefully unbuttoned them and let them fall around my ankles.

Alex hurried to get himself naked and I joined him in the bed again. He kissed his way down my chest and lavished over my abs on his way to my hips. I stared down at him as he placed a string of kisses over my dick, he patted the insides of my thighs and I took the cue to hitch my legs up. His tongue was flat over sensitive pucker of flesh at my entrance, his hand reaching to tease my balls. I moaned at the warmth of his mouth, the vibrations of my muscles clenching.

The sensations flooded my body, he started to work me open, slowly and carefully. I rocked into his slick fingers and threw my head back.

"Alright, alright, okay, come on." I begged.

"You ready?" He whispered against my belly.

"Yes. Please, Alex. Please, need to be fucked by you."

"My pleasure."

He lined himself up and slid inside me, I breathed through the stretch and he bent over me to cradle my head in the crook of his elbow, starting to thrust into me.

"Feels so damn good." I grinned up at him.

"Good." He whispered, staring down at me.

We stayed like that for what felt like forever, him rocking in deeper and deeper. Our eyes locked on each other. My hands were desperate for him, his arms his chest, his face. He bent down to kiss me and I nuzzled into his embrace. The smell of him surrounding me, I felt my body start to seize and I gripped his ass with my short nails and cried his name as I came in short, hot bursts between us. In the throes of my own pleasure I hardly recognized him coming. He rested his forehead against mine and kissed me a final time before slipping out.

I draped my arms over my head and he went into the bathroom to get himself cleaned up.

"Babe, will you bring me a washcloth?" I asked.

He appeared holding a white, damp cloth, "you mean like this?"

I smirked at him, "damn, you're always one step ahead."

I let Alex clean my mess off me tenderly, he kissed the damp skin of my belly and hung the cloth over the headboard before coming back to bed. He settled quickly into my arms.

"Okay, so you've gotta tell me about this 'metal in your face' situation." Alex laughed, swirling his fingers over my chest.

"Ugh. Okay, I might have had myself a bad boy phase… obviously. I kind of went all out with it. I pierced my eyebrow twice, the top of my ear, my nose, my earlobes. It was a whole thing."

He bit back laughter, "no shit?"

"Nope," I shook my head.

"I thought I saw some little scars, but never thought anything of it. Any chance they'll be making a reappearance?"

"Nah, I'm kind of passed the rough and tumble thing. I'm a good ole family man now."

"Sounds kind of hot, if I'm being honest."

"You like a bad boy?"

"I don't know. I think mostly I just want to live vicariously through your bad boy phase."

"I feel like having Philip makes you a total bad boy."

"I was definitely on that track." He shrugged, reaching up to play with my hair.

"So she really never wanted anything to do with Pip?"

Alex laughed darkly, "nope, not a goddamn thing. She was… it's messy."

"I take your mess, you should know that by now."

He went on, "she was just supposed to be a one night thing, we were drinking at a party and I wanted to impress her. She seemed so… I don't know, she was badass as hell, walked in in this tiny little red dress, but she had this like sad vibe around her. It was just supposed to be like a thing and that's that. She told me she was on the pill and I was a dumb kid, so I believed her. Next thing I know, she's pregnant and her on again off again boyfriend is beating the shit out of me behind our school one day."

"You got beat?" I caressed his cheek, wondering how anyone would ever want to hurt him.

"Yeah, couple of times. My mouth used to get me in trouble."

"Mine, too."

"So anyways, she carries all the way through and tells me the whole time how she wants nothing to do with him, she always called him it, I loved him the moment I knew he existed. I did everything to take care of her, make sure she ate right, stayed healthy. I just wanted my baby to be safe and good. She didn't want anything to do with him at all."

"But he's got you."

"I'm not enough. He deserves so much more."

"Alright, well, then he's got me." I kissed his lips.

"That's better."

"Bedtime?"

"I don't want this night to end, but, yeah. I'm beat."

"Sleep, sugar. I had so much fun with you."

"Me, too. Kudos to the date planning God that is John Laurens."

I giggled, "thanks, night, baby."

"Night, Jack. Love you so much."

"Love you more."

"That's impossible."


	10. Chapter 10

***Slightly out of breath* Hi! Phew, sorry, hi. I'm back, how's it going? Last week or so has been wild. Exams, out of town twice, that pesky day job. Life in general. But I cooked some fluff up for you! Enjoy, and as per usual. Thank you so much for your patience!**

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I was tired. I was _tired._ Alex and I walked to the theatre together after checking out from our hotel. We'd stayed up far too late last night and I was paying for it. This morning seemed status quo for Alex. _Cocky bastard._ I snuggled him against me on the chilly walk. At the theatre, my time was spent trying no to doze off in my booth while Alex worked. I passed the reins off to my second after he arrived and kissed Alex goodbye, promising I'd see him later and left to pick up Philip.

Philip was waiting outside the school for me and took my hand on the walk to the train and told me about his day. I spaced out a little while he talked at breakneck pace about something interesting - a cadence he'd learned from his father.

"Did you?" He asked.

"Did I what, baby?" I yawned.

"Did you and daddy have a good time at the show last night?" Philip sounded exasperated at having to repeat himself and I felt guilty for not listening better.

"Yeah, we had a really good time." _A really really good time._

"I miss daddy."

"I know, squirt."

"Why can't he come home, too?"

"He's gotta work. His job is even more important than mine."

Philip pouted and I guided him onto the train, "I don't like work."

"Nobody does. Well, I take that back. Your daddy and I love our jobs, we just hate when it takes us away from you."

"Does daddy like his job more that me?"

"No, baby, of course he likes you more than his job. He works so hard at his job to take better care of you."

Philip's brows pulled together, "that doesn't make sense."

"I know it doesn't but trust me."

Philip frowned but accepted the answer.

We got home and I fixed Philip's snack while he started on his homework.

"Hey, after dinner you're bathtime-ing tonight." I told him, setting his bowl of apple slices and peanut butter down, eating one.

"No." He protested.

"Philip, sweetheart, that's not very nice to say."

"But I don't want to take a bath." He said matter-of-factly.

"I get that. But you've got to."

"Hmmph," he kept working on his homework.

I got started on dinner and switched the laundry over, folding Philip's clothes on the kitchen counter while dinner cooked on the stove. Alex's coffee pot was half full with day old coffee. I poured myself a mug and heated it up, yawning while I drank it. Philip balked at dinner when I sat it on the table.

"Pork chops?" He whined.

"Yup." I took a bite.

"And…peas?"

"Yup." I drank from my mug and wiped my eyes.

"I hate pork chops… and I hate peas."

"A: I don't believe you. B: bummer, eat your supper, Philip."

"Supper? It's called dinner, John."

"Please eat." I rested my temple against my fist.

He pushed peas around on his plate and dropped two on the floor, I sighed and bent over to pick them up.

"Sorry." Philip muttered.

"It's okay, just eat, please."

"Okay, but, John, I really really hate this food."

"You haven't tried it."

"But I just know."

I took a bite, "eat."

"That's not very polite… talking with food in your mouth."

I shot him a look and hoped it evoked parental sternness as well as it did when I practiced in the mirror. It must have worked, he stabbed a piece of pork chop I'd cut for him and ate it, making a face until he swallowed. He dramatically grabbed his apple juice.

"John…" He whimpered.

"Yeah, baby."

"I _really_ don't like it."

"Sorry, that's dinner."

He pouted at his plate. I finished my meal and loaded my plate into the dishwasher.

"If you're not gonna eat, then it's bath time."

"But, John! I will starve."

"Not in one night. Trust me, I went to bed without dinner plenty of times."

He paused, setting his fork on his plate with a clatter, "you did?"

I bit my lip and nodded.

"And you lived?"

"Looks like it."

"Then I'll be fine." He pushed his plate away.

"Whatever," I sighed in defeat, thinking about how happy to have eaten pork chops and peas I would have been all those hungry nights, "I'm gonna go start your bath."

"Why do I have to take a bath?" He put his plate on the counter.

"So you don't smell bad."

"I smell fine." He argued.

"For now, let's keep it that way. Come on, you know bathtime with me is better than with daddy. I actually know what to do with your hair."

I went to the bathroom and turned on the faucet, Philip pulled his shirt over his head, "are you black like me, John?"

"Nah, I'm latino and white."

"Nobody believes that I'm black, how come?" He braced a hand on my shoulder and got in the tub while I put bubbles in.

"Well, you're like light-skinned because you're mixed. People don't usually think I'm mixed either, bud, I don't speak Spanish... and my dad's white and I have a… I don't have a latino name."

"No one thinks my daddy is white." Philip scooped a handful of bubbles and blew them, dispersing tiny bubbles into the air.

I turned off the tap, "well, we know who we are, and that's what matters."

"Were kids mean to you about what you looked like?"

"Oh, yeah, I went to a private school where everybody was white, I didn't fit in at all… Are kids still being mean to you?"

Philip lie back until only his face stuck out of the water and nodded. I grimaced, hating that kids were so cruel.

"Have you told your daddy?"

"No… not really. Daddy worries too much about that because we don't have a family, well, we didn't you made us have a family, and we had a family before abuela went to heaven, but daddy thinks I'm gonna have a bad time because I don't have a mama. 'Cause you're s'posed to have a mama, but my mama wasn't ready to be a mama 'cause her and daddy was little still when I got in her belly, 'cause sometimes God makes mamas be mamas when they're too little to be good mamas."

I nodded and started to wash Philip's hair, "that's true."

"How come my daddy was ready to be a good daddy if my mama wasn't ready to be a good mama?"

"I dunno, squirt. I guess he was just more grown up. You're pretty lucky he's your daddy, aren't you?"

"Mhm! And that now I have you, you're my back-up daddy, maybe if I called you papi then people would know that you're brown like me and daddy and it would be like your special name to me… since you aren't really my daddy, but you're like my daddy. I think I want a truck for Christmas so I can practice being a firefighter."

My mind reeled as I processed all the information that he'd thrown at me, I put conditioner in his hair and lathered a washcloth before handing it to him.

"Well, you don't have to call me a special name if you don't want to." I assured him, wiping my sudsy hands on a towel.

"No, I want to. Boom! Now I have a daddy and a papi! But maybe I can just call you pop, it's shorter like that and we can still know you're brown. And you live here, _everyone's_ brown here." He washed himself with the washcloth and I rinsed his hair out with an old plastic 'Wicked' cup with most of the writing faded away.

I helped Philip out of the bath and yawned as I wrapped him in the towel.

"Now you can do my hair." He reminded me.

"Right." I agreed.

"Can I jammy up first? I am pretty cold."

"Sure, buddy, jammies and teeth. I'll be in the living room." I pulled the plug on the bath and it groaned as it drained.

Philip met me in the living room and set the hair caddy down next to me. I put cartoons on and worked lotion into his hair. Once it sat for a few minutes I started to work out the snags. He whimpered and grabbed at his head.

"I hate this part!" He complained.

"Less screaming, squirt, I'm being gentle."

"Does it hurt when you brush your hair?"

"Yup."

"Ow. Ow. Ow! John! Ow!" He pulled away."

"Enough." I squeezed his shoulder and continued to brush his hair as delicately as possible.

"Okay! But it just really hurts me."

"I know, I'm sorry, baby."

"Can I have two braids?" He sulked, folding his arms.

"Sure. Sit still."

He squirmed, "I'm hungry."

"Well, should've eaten your dinner."

"Daddy doesn't make me food I don't like."

I sighed, "I've seen you not eat food your daddy makes plenty of times."

"But, it's true, I'm not a liar."

"I never said you were a liar." I yawned again and felt my vision grow hazy at the edges.

"But you told me that I-" I cut him off.

"Philip. Please just watch the tv."

He grumbled under his breath, I rolled my eyes but couldn't help the grin the twitched at my lips hearing his tiny, angry voice mumble, 'pop'. I had a name. A title. I meant something to this kid. This kid who I loved, who I'd do anything for. I had a name.

I braided his hair in two halves and kissed the top of his head, "alright, bedtime."

"Nuh-uh." He giggled, running to put the caddy back in the bathroom.

"Pip." I said sternly.

"Pop!" He called back, "they're like the same word! Pip, pop, Pip, pop!"

"That's pretty clever. Let's go to bed, buddy."

"Can I still sleep in the big bed?"

"Yeah, c'mon. Pick out your book. I'm gonna brush my teeth."

I took the overnight toiletry bag into the bathroom and brushed my teeth, leaning against the sink, convinced I'd never been this tired.

I slipped into a pair of sweatpants and a hoodie, whether it was mine or Alex's to start with seemed irrelevant. Philip was still in his room. When I went in there, he was sitting on the floor playing with Spiderman action figures.

"Dude? For real? Let's go." My voice was whinier than I wanted it to be.

"Oh, wait, what am I supposed to do?"

"Pick a book."

"Oh… yeah! Book, book-book, book, book!" He wiggled and spun around in front of his book case.

"Philip, baby, come on, let's go." I sighed.

Finally, he picked a book. We cuddled up against each other and I started to read his Paw Patrol book to him, struggling to keep the words from blurring together.

"Pop! John!" Philip was poking me.

"Huh?" I sniffed and blinked.

"You fell asleep reading. What did Marshall do next?"

"Sorry. Sorry, okay." I kept reading, focusing intently on not falling asleep.

Once the book was over I switched the lamp off and curled Philip tighter against me, a miniature version of his father, arms tucked against my chest. I felt sleep start to crawl in almost immediately.

Philip sniffled, "pop?"

I shook sleep away and gripped him tighter, feeling the instinct to keep him safe kick in once I realized he was crying, "what'sa-matter?"

"I miss my daddy."

I rubbed his cheek and wiped my face with my free hand, "I know, he'll be home soon."

"What if he isn't? He's been gone a long, long time."

"Shh, Pip, you're alright, he always comes home."

"But I really miss him. Can we call him to say good night?"

I looked at the clock, it was only nine-thirty, "no, babe, it's still showtime."

Philip whined and sniffled harder, "I want to see him."

"I know. I know." I stretched and stroked Philip's braids, starting to doze again, he sniffled and I hugged him tighter.

The smell of cigarettes and coffee roused me as the weight in the bed shifted.

"Shh, shh, hi, boys," Alex whispered.

I heard the arms of his glasses fold down before he set them on the nightstand, he threaded our ankles together and pulled Philip into his arms, squeezing him and whispering, "my baby, oh, daddy missed you."

He kissed Philip's cheek and the boy continued to snore, Alex sighed happily and nuzzled against Philip. All was right in the world.

"How was it, Jack?" He asked me in a whisper.

I yawned and pulled Alex and Philip both into my arms.

"We were both crabby tonight, but I think we'll live." I pressed our foreheads together and breathed him in, his smell swirling with the conditioner in Philip's hair.

"Anything in particular?"

"Ahh, darlin', I'm just exhausted so I was short and he missed you like crazy so he acted a fool."

"Sorry you're so tired, sweetheart. I always forget you don't operate on less sleep like I do."

"It's okay… mmm… funny thing, he started calling me pop, is that weird for you?"

"Is it weird for you?" He answered my question with a question.

My face exploded into a grin, "no, I kind of love it."

"Me, too. You're our missing piece, John."

"I love you."

He picked his head up and kissed me, "I love you. So so much. Thanks for being able to hang."

"Always and forever."


	11. Chapter 11

**I really hope that you guys all know how much I love you. For real. Just because you're you and you believe in what I'm creating and what I have to say and you keep coming back. You're the bomb and I hope that you face the day knowing that! Mwah! On to the chapter!**

* * *

"What!" Philip fisted his hands and pouted, tears forming in his eyes.

"I know, baby, I'm so sorry." Alex hugged him to his chest.

"Why Christmas? Who even wants to go see some stupid musical on Christmas?" Philip's eyebrows knit together as he pushed away from Alex.

"Hey, boo, what if we have a special Christmas at the theatre?" I offered, tucking a curl behind Philip's ear.

Philip bit his lip and thought about it, Alex and I exchanged a glance, I could tell he wasn't sure what I had up my sleeve.

"But what about… oh, I guess it doesn't matter if we're home or not since abuelita won't be here for Christmas since she isn't alive." Philip resigned.

It was Alex's turn to have tears well in his eyes, "but, hey," he sniffed, "it's our first Christmas with John. That's pretty exciting, right?"

Philip nodded and smiled at me, "yeah! Wait! Will Santa know where we are?"

"I'm sure he will." I winked at Philip.

"Sorry we have to work, baby." Alex kissed Philip's little hand.

"It's okay. You have to work all the time."

I pulled out my phone and started texting Lafayette.

 **Hello, beautiful. Sunshine of my heart. Joy of the world. Genius. Innovator. Muse. How's it going?**

"But, hey, you get to do fun stuff like summer camp and your clubs and stuff, right?" Alex reminded Philip.

Laf texted me back,

 **What do you want?**

"Yeah… and your job makes money so you can pay for it." Philip rolled his eyes.

"Bingo. Can you get ready for bed?"

"Okay, daddy. I love you. We can still have a good Christmas… even at the theatre."

 **Since we have Christmas shows, we're having a good ole fam Christmas at the theatre. Help make it magical?**

"I love you, too, baby," Alex squeezed his hand and looked at me with a smirk, "who's got you smiling at your phone?"

"Laf."

"Shoulda known this would happen eventually. I'm no match." He winked at me.

 **Anything for the Pip.**

"It's the accent."

"Hey, you forgetting something?"

"What?" I smirked.

"Quiero que estés dentro de mi."

I bit my lip and felt myself grow hard in my jeans, "you… want something?"

"Yeah, I do," Alex stood up and ran a hand over my chest as he went to check on Philip getting ready for bed, "and, for the record, I know something else about attractive accents, South Carolina!"

"Just being able to pull out Spanish any time you want is unfair!" I called after him.

"Pero te encantas!" He swished his hips down the hall.

I stood up as well and readjusted my jeans, feeling uncomfortable in the confines of the fabric.

Alex got Philip settled in bed and we started getting ready as well. Once we settled into the sheets I wrapped Alex up, sensing his shivers.

"We could put plastic over the window." I offered.

"Nope, that's my lazy window." He gestured to the cigarette pack perched on the sill.

"Oh, of course. I'd hate to interfere with you slowly killing yourself." I rolled my eyes.

"It's an addiction, I know."

"As long as you know."

"So what plot were you and Lafayette working on?"

"Christmas magic."

"Like what?"

"Just how to make Pip's Christmas in the theatre good. So, I figure we bring him between shows and just stay there Christmas eve, then wake up and do presents and then he can hang out during the show up in my booth with me and then we go home."

"That works. You're brilliant." Alex smiled.

"It's gonna be weird for you to not have Christmas with your abuela, too, huh?"

Alex smiled sadly and nuzzled into the warmth of my chest, nodding.

"Sorry, darlin'," I kissed the top of his head and smoothed his hair back.

"It is what it is," he kissed my chest and I held him close, "just hate disappointing my kid."

I started to doze and felt him slip away, I held on to him and opened my eyes, "where are you going?"

He pulled a hoodie on and kissed my hand, "just gonna work on some stuff."

I nodded and he left the room, I dozed and stirred again hearing the plastic clack of his piano keys, their music filtering into his headphones. He made little humming noises to himself and scratched at the sheet music. I tried to sleep and listened to him drink his coffee wishing that the thoughts that bothered him would let him be.

"Love you, 'Lex." I whispered, knowing that his headphones would block out my voice. I still meant it.

Finally I slept. He carried on.

My alarm roused me and I squinted out of one eye to silence it. The other side of the bed remained cold. Alex sat still on his bench and pivoted around to look at me. Dark, bruising circles shaded his eyes and his hair was barely still in its bun.

"Mornin', darlin'." I cleared my throat.

"Hi, Jack. Sleep okay?"

I nodded and got up, crossing the room to wrap my arms around him, "what are you working on?"

"This damn musical."

I pulled the unlit cigarette from behind his ear and suckled at the lobe, my eyes dancing across the sheet music.

"How's it going?"

"Almost done, I guess. I dunno, I don't think I'll ever be satisfied… Like there's always going to be some way to make it better."

"I'm sure it's wonderful. The parts you've played for me have been."

"You're just saying that."

I considered my words but said them anyways, softly, tenderly, but truthfully, "I'm not Thomas."

"I know," he put his hand over mine, "I thank God for that every day."

His coffee and cigarette smell enveloped me as I hugged him tighter.

"I'm gonna go wake up P."

"Thanks, babe. I should probably take a shower."

"Hmm… We have granola bars. Philip can wait." I shucked my shirt and went to the bathroom.

Alex followed me and we locked the bathroom door before turning on the showerhead and getting naked. We both got in the shower and my lips found his. The water flowed over him and I watched the tension disappear.

"Turn around, sugar." I whispered in Alex's ear.

He obliged and I squirted his body wash into my hands and began to massage his achy shoulders. He was always tight after a night up at the piano. He turned back to rinse himself off and let his hair get wet. Next, I massaged his scalp with his shampoo, little moans escaped him and I watched water droplets collect in his goatee. He moved back in the shower and leaned against me, a rubber duck under foot squeaked and reminded us of our location. We dissolved into a fit of giggles for the rest of our shower.

"See why I took you to a hotel?" I whispered in his ear.

"Oh, please, sweetheart, I never forget for a moment. That was amazing, by the way."

We made ourselves get out and start our day. Alex wrapped his towel around his waist and went to wake Philip up while I dressed myself.

"Come on, Pip." I heard him call again.

"Here, I got him." I was still wringing the water from my hair with my towel when I crossed Alex in the hallway.

He pecked a kiss on my lips and went to get ready.

"You up, punkin?" I turned the light on in Philip's room, he was pulling his polo on and then tried to put his hair back into a ponytail, missing a chunk in true Hamilton fashion, "here, shorty, let me help you."

I moved toward him and remade his ponytail.

"Thank you, papi." Philip hugged me and felt his hair.

"Anything for my boy." I tugged the end of his ponytail.

"We ready, boys?" Alex asked from the hallway, slinging his bag over his shoulder.

"Mhm!" Philip ran to put on his shoes.

We made the morning round of dropping Philip off at school and rolled into the theatre.

"I can't even tell you how nice it is to have back up." Alex sighed, closing his eyes.

"Poor, babe. I know you're tired."

"I'm fine."

"You want to take a nap?"

"Do you?"

"I'm not opposed." I kissed his cheek.

We got in to the theatre and hung up our winter clothes in the green room. Lafayette, all giggles, found us.

"'Lexi! 'Lexi, look at what I have found!" He held up a picture.

The photograph was bent in one corner and showed a couch with an impossibly more tired, but younger Alex, shorter hair, less wear of time on his face, bigger glasses next to a blossoming, vibrant, young Lafayette, beaming grin, hair in two high poofs. Alex had his arm around around Laf's shoulders and in Laf's lap was an infant, maybe six months old, tongue poking out, eyes wide.

Tears welled in Alex's eyes and I craned over him to look more closely.

"That's my baby."

"Look at all that hair!" I exclaimed.

Alex fingered the photograph, "I forget he was ever that little."

"I find this and it is like no time has passed."

"We were kids! God, we look so young."

"Speak for yourself, I still do."

"Fatherhood isn't for the weak." Alex chuckled.

"We have come so very far."

"No kidding… John, babe, you joining me for a smoke?"

"Nah, it's too cold for that shit. I'll be here."

He nodded and disappeared down the corridor.

Lafayette smiled at the photograph, "that was a very hard time."

"Yeah?"

He nodded solemnly, "Alex was suing Maria… he never slept. Somewhere there is a fabulous picture of Alex with Philip in a… how you call… baby holster… doing the stage directions." Lafayette motioned to his chest.

"Like a baby… thing… I dunno? Is Maria… Philip's mother?"

Lafayette frowned and nodded, "perhaps it is not my place to say."

"It's fine, why was he suing her."

"Child support, he was appeased by government assistance, even though his pride made it so hard to swallow."

I sighed, this was the dark underbelly of being a young parent that Alex never talked about. He lived in the present with his beautiful boy, trying to ignore the long road that had gotten them there.

"Did you ever meet his mom? Maria?"

Laf shook his head, hair springing around his face, "no… I didn't. I probably have only a few less things that I would say to her than Alex. Like how she could not love the Pip."

I nodded, "I would love to, though…" I agreed, "I would love to have that conversation…"

"It is all worked out. You are here."

I smiled at the compliment, "y'know, I thought you hated Alex at first."

"No, I love him very deeply, but I wanted to protect him… I blame myself for Thomas."

"What? You can't, Laf. It isn't your fault."

"I know, but I know the type of person that my cousin is. I should have protected Alex from him. I was scared for him to open up again and you are both my friends. I did not want to watch either of you get hurt, but now I see my foolishness. You were meant to be."

"I'm thinking about asking him to marry me." I bounced on the balls of my feet.

Lafayette gasped and covered his mouth, "really? Already?"

"Do you think it's too soon? It is, isn't it?"

"No. To tell you the truth, I think that it is all that Alex has ever wanted. He sees it as the… pinnacle of a good life for his son. He wants Philip to have the normal life that he did not."

"I want that for both of them."

"When?"

"Christmas Eve."

"I will make the magic for Philip. You make the magic for Alex."

"Thanks, Laf. I hope he's ready."

Alex strolled back in his tired gait and I leaned against Lafayette in what I hoped looked casual. It must not have since Alex frowned at me.

"What's up?"

"Just chatting with Lafayette. He's my best friend! We talk." My voice was too loud.

"Okay, yeah, sorry." Alex brushed it off.

"Nap?" I wiped my palms on the thighs of my jeans, realizing that they were sweating.

"Mm, yes, please."

"See you later, Laf."

Lafayette nodded and we turned to go to my old room.


	12. Chapter 12

**Two updates in a week, it's like I'm starting to get back to my old self! Thanks again for reading and supporting. Your reviews seriously make my day.**

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I kept thinking about the picture, about how little Philip was, how young Alex looked. I held Alex tighter in my arms on the futon of my old room.

"Do you… ever think about having another?"

Alex sighed, "no, not really, no. I thought Philip was gonna kill me. I still don't know how I'm gonna be able to give him everything."

"I get that." My voice sounded sad, I didn't know why I heard the pang in my voice.

He looked up at me, "why, you'd want your own kid wouldn't you?"

"Mm…" I thought about it, maybe the sadness was just at what I'd missed out on with Philip, maybe I did want a baby of my own. I thought about it. I didn't want to be greedy, I loved Philip like my own, but me and Alex having a baby, up in the middle of the night tired, me rubbing his shoulders while he fed our baby, seeing Philip be a big brother. The illusion stirred my insides.

"You do." He decided.

"No, Alex, it's… I don't know. I never even thought that I'd have this much of a family, really. I think mostly I'm just sad that it took me so long to find you. I'm sad on how much I missed out on. You got tiny Philip, I didn't."

He snorted, "yeah, you missed out, alright. It's smooth sailing from here on out. You don't have to have panicking over bills and selling plasma for formula or crying to your professor with a baby in a car seat at your midterm because childcare fell through or feeling abandoned when your old buddies stop inviting you places because you're like some type of alien now and they don't even know how to talk to you anymore. Staying up all night fucking googling colic because you're fucking terrified that your baby is dying, won't stop crying and you can't stop crying 'cause you're scared and you're tired and you're alone and you just.. you want to take a bath, you want someone to just fucking hug you and tell you that it's gonna be okay, you want your baby to be happy."

He was crying, I felt tears slip over my own cheeks, "I'm so sorry, Alex. I'm so sorry. I take for granted how hard you had it. You're so good, you're such a good dad, I see that and I don't think about the struggle. You make it look easy. I wish I could have helped you."

"It's not your job." He wiped his eyes on the sleeve of his hoodie and drug the damp fabric over my cheeks.

"It is now." I kissed his forehead.

Alex shook his head, "that's not fair."

"I'm not in it for fair. I'm in it because I love you two."

He buried his face against my chest, we both dozed. I felt guilty for having this conversation on the coattails of him already being exhausted and feeling bad about our unusual Christmas.

After our nap, we split off to work, I was up on the rig changing gels and caught Alex stealing glances. His attention prompted me to be foolish. I hung by my arms on the rig and dangled my feet at him, still far out of reach. He didn't notice me, too focused on his work.

"Alex!" I singsonged before realizing that he couldn't hear me over his headphones.

I pulled myself back onto the rig and rooted in my cargo pocket for a Sour Patch Kid and chucked it at him, calling on my long since used baseball skills. The candy beamed him in the shoulder, _still got it._

He looked around the stage for the object that pelted him and smiled when he picked it up, visoring his eyes with his hand he looked up at me. I dropped back down and hung from the frame. He shook his head at me. I adjusted my grip to prepare one hand to take my weight and let go to wave at him. His head shake grew more pronounced.

I kissed the air at him and he winked back up at me. My hand found the strut again and I pulled myself up, Alex gawked and licked his lips. The cockiness in me was amused and I clipped myself back down the length of the rig and got back to the ground.

I left my harness on and crossed the stage to Alex who finally pulled off his headphones.

"God I love you in this thing." He pulled the strap of my harness.

"I know." I kissed his cheek.

"Come on, give me a spin."

I twirled for him and he bit his lip.

"You like that, huh?"

"Damn right."

I kissed him, "alright, back to work."

We kept working until I left to get Philip, I kissed Alex goodbye and bundled up for the cold. My shivering didn't let up until I was on the train. I didn't know how Alex managed during the winters, he was constantly cold blooded.

"Did you have a good day, buddy?" I took Philip's cold, tiny hand in mine and pulled our hands up into the sleeve of my coat.

"Yeah, it was fine, where are we going?" He responded, noticing that I'd taken a different path.

"Thought we could have some just us time and get some cocoa, yeah?"

"Ooh, I love hot cocoa."

"I just so happen to know that." I opened the door to the coffeeshop and ushered Philip in.

We ordered our hot chocolates and found an empty table by the window. Philip sat doodling in the frost while I collected our drinks from the barista.

"Hey, Pip?"

"What's up, pop? Pip-pop-pip-pop." He swung his legs under the table and wrapped his hands around the warm paper cup.

"Hey, I've been thinking about doing something, but it has to be okay with you if I do it so I wanted to talk to you about it, okay?"

Philip sat up tall, preparing for the responsibility.

"And hey, two things. First, if you really aren't okay with it, tell me. Second, we can't tell daddy."

His eyes widened, "a secret from daddy?"

"Yeah, but like a surprise secret. The good kind of secret, like when you don't tell him what you got him for his birthday."

"An okay to keep secret."

"Exactly."

"Okay, so what?"

"Well," I blew on my cocoa and watched it ripple under my breath, "I'm thinking about asking your daddy to marry me."

Philip's mouth dropped and his arms shot up in the air, "you'll be my papi for real!"

"Is that okay?"

Philip kept dancing in his seat, "I'm gonna have two daddies! Like a real family!"

"You like this plan?"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah! Are you and daddy gonna have a wedding? Can I do the flower throw-y part? I know girls are supposed to do that but I want to."

I giggled, "let's make sure that he actually wants to marry me first."

Philip became very serious, "oh, he does."

"Yeah?"

"He talks about it _all the time."_

I bit my lip to hold back the grin threatening to split my face.

"Do you want to go look for rings with me?"

"Wedding rings?"

"Yup."

"We can?"

I nodded.

"Let's go!" He stood up and took his cup with him.

I followed him out the door and led him to a jeweler down the street, taking a sobering breath as we walked in.

"Hi there gentlemen, how can I help you?" the portly, balding man behind the counter asked.

I squeezed Philip's hand and walked up the counter.

"My daddy needs a marry-me ring." Philip told the man and sipped his hot chocolate.

The man grinned down at him and I clarified, "I'm proposing."

"Ah," he nodded and smiled.

"Um, to a, he's a man, so, uh, dude rings." I wiped my face and felt how nervous I was.

"Yeah, for my daddy." Philip reminded him.

"Of course, absolutely." The man gave me the nod and I wondered if the match to the ring adorning his finger was also a man, it put me at ease.

Philip and I followed him down the counter and he opened the case to pull out rows and rows of rings.

"What does he like?" The man asked.

"Um… I think gold probably. I think I'm more the silver type than him. Pip do you think gold?"

"I think daddy likes gold." Philip agreed.

"Diamonds?"

"Um… he's… not really the diamond type… but maybe a birthstone?"

He nodded, "which one?"

"January."

"'Cause that's when daddy was born!"

I nudged Philip, "because that's when you were born."

"Oh!" Philip wiggled excitedly.

"What price point are we looking at fellas?"

"Um… something that won't break the bank but will last."

He pulled a ring and handed it to me, it was slim, gold, but not too shiny and had a small, dark blue stone set deeply in it.

"Obviously the garnet would be red, but I can get you out the door for about four hundred and change on this one."

I swallowed hard and nodded, "that's doable," I crouched next to Philip and let him hold the ring, "what do you think? Would daddy like it?"

"Mhm! I think he will love it."

"Alright, how about you go over and colour and we're gonna do grown up paperwork, 'kay?"

Philip nodded and took his hot cocoa to a kid-sized table and sat to colour.

"I think he'll love it." The man told me.

"Here's hoping. Can we make this happen by Christmas Eve?"

"Gives me a week, I can rush it."

"Oh, good. Hey, uh, I want to get something for his kiddo, too."

"That's perfect, I'd suggest a chain, maybe, something that can grow with him."

"That sounds great!" I glanced over my shoulder at Philip.

He walked down the counter and pulled a gold chain out of the case and handed it to me, "this'll set you back about two."

"Let's do it."

We settled the paperwork and I put a down payment on the pieces and let out a heavy breath, amazed that I was in a place in my life to make this happen. I went to collect Philip and we got started on our evening routine.

"It's kind of fun that we have a secret." Philip giggled from his place on a chair beside me, next to the stove.

"I think your daddy will like this secret."

"Oh, he will. He'll love it!"

I swallowed hard, "here's hoping."

Being me and not Alex, I conceded to dinner on the couch watching cartoons while we ate our soup and sandwiches.

"Pop, do we have time to play before bed?" Philip asked me.

"Yeah, buddy, let's play." I cleared our plates and he moved legos into the living room.

We sat on the floor and played together, building spaceships and castles, Batman being a prime feature in both settings. I realized how late it was and got Philip started on his bedtime routine, deciding we could pick up in the morning. I read him a story and tucked him in.

The quiet downtime after Philip was in bed was delightful, I'd gone from living mostly in quiet solitude to having a loud, happy family, but I still craved my alone time. I lie down on our bed and started to work on the sketch of Alex that had been my latest project. Time passed mostly without my noticing. I sketched until I heard the door open and listened to Alex hang up his bag, his coat, and finally kick off his shoes. Everything was right in the world.

"God, motherfucker, son of, Jesus Christ." I listened to Alex hiss from the living room and stumble.

 _The legos._

We'd left out the legos. Tiny landmines scattered about on the floor in the living room. More stumbling.

"Fucking hell."

Alex finally made it to our room and I giggled at him.

"You guys trying to kill me?" He unzipped his hoodie.

"Not kill, no. Sorry, sugar, forgot to warn you. How was the show?"

He tossed his pants in the hamper and put on sweats before lying beside me on the bed.

"It was actually a great night. Really good audience."

"That's awesome, darlin',"

"You doing alright?" He tucked a piece of hair behind my ear.

I shrugged, just looking at him made me anxious, the excitement and thrill of what I was planning on doing, "yeah."

"Okay, you just seem weird."

"Nope, not weird. I'm never weird."

"Okay, sure… that's true." He rolled his eyes and then looked at my sketchbook.

"It's not done yet." I assured him.

"How do you always make me look so pretty?"

I stared at him and traced the lines of his nose and cheekbones with my finger, "I just draw what I see."

"Oh, please."

I dropped my sketchbook to the floor and leaned over him to kiss him.


	13. Chapter 13

**Oh, man, is this one a doozy! Thank you so much for reading, you know I live for reviews, each one I get makes me happier than Philip with a waffle. Enjoy!**

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I was surrounded by wrapping paper shreds and tape and somewhere, some-fucking-where there were - ha! - scissors. Philip had gone down blissfully easy. Alex walked in and surveyed the festive destruction that had taken over our living room.

"Hi, darlin'," I grinned up at him.

"Uh, hi." He hung up his bag.

"I got busy, hey, come with me, Sonny's on standby." I stood up and brushed paper off myself.

"What?"

"You and me are going on an adventure. Sonny has the monitor and the spare key."

"How did you bribe him?"

"Five dollars and a scratcher ticket."

Alex shook his head, "of course. Kid's convinced he'll win the lotto some day."

"Come on, let's go." I put my coat on and grabbed my keys.

"It's freezing out... so there's that." Alex grumbled.

"You'll live."

We descended the many flights of stairs and I texted Sonny to let him know that the ball was in his court. Alex seemed to have more of a spring in his step than usual.

"I love that the monitor reaches Sonny's." I laughed.

"I'm surprised he was home, honestly. Seems like he's at what's-his-nuts' more than not."

"Graffiti Pete."

"That's not his real name."

"Might as well be."

We boarded the train and rode deep into the city, I pulled him off a stop and we took the escalator to the surface.

"What's the deal?" Alex asked.

"We're gonna look at Christmas lights."

He tipped his head to the side and looked at me, "what?"

"Yup. I haven't gotten to kiss you under Christmas lights since my birthday, and I remember just how pretty you look in them, so we're going to walk around Rockefeller Center and pick the prettiest spot, and I'm going to kiss you until you complain about how cold you are. Deal?"

"John!" He whined, "are you serious? Why do you love me so much?"

I took his hands in my own, tamping down how nervous I was for tomorrow, happy to have one quiet night to affirm how much we loved each before I asked him the biggest question ever, "how could I not?"

He leaned in and kissed me. I let him, moving my hand to his cheek before pulling away, "that's just the warm up."

We strolled under the opulently wrapped trees hand in hand, looking up and the lights, I was mostly looking at him. We stood beneath the great tree and Alex craned his neck to look up.

"I think here is good." He breathed a chuckle.

"Yeah, I think so, too." I kissed his neck, the soft curve of his throat, still arched up to look at the tree.

He laughed and kissed me, our mouths working together, opening to each other, accepting one another. My arms encircled him, wanting to protect him… from the world, life, himself. Wanting to forever, to hold him in my arms every night as we fell asleep, to kiss his drool-sloppy goatee every morning, to watch Philip grow up with him.

Alex pulled away and wiped my face, "you okay?"

"What? Yeah?" I stared at him in confusion.

"Okay… well you're crying…"

I wiped my face and looked at my hands, "oh… I am… yeah. Sorry."

"Don't be, just, usually the crying is more my schtick. You sure you're okay?"

"Yeah, I just really love you." I smiled, feeling silly.

"Come here." He held his arms out to me and kissed me again.

I kissed him back and we stood there like that until I felt him shiver against me. I pulled away and felt his cold hands.

"Let's go, my snake." I smirked at him.

"Sorry, I just freeze."

"I think it's cute."

I led him toward Lafayette's apartment.

"Where are we going?" He asked.

"Getting my car to schlep presents tomorrow."

"Seriously? You're brilliant. I've been wracking my brain all night."

"I have my moments." I teased.

His hand found mine and squeezed it, I stopped in the middle of the garage and turned to kiss him. We got in my car and his hand found my thigh. I looked at him and saw the want in his eyes.

"My back seat is not the most… fuck friendly." I laughed.

"Fine. I can wait." He pouted.

I started the drive back up to our place, detouring to look at more of the lights adorning the city.

"Really something, isn't it?" He mused, hand still on my thigh.

"There's nothing like it. I fall in love with this city all over again every Christmas."

"I'm falling more in love with you this Christmas."

I smiled and sighed, "I hated Christmas as a kid… I guess more as a teenager, but I'm really excited for this Christmas."

"I'm excited, too. I can't wait until you see what Christmas is like with Philip. That childlike wonder stuff is potent. Best gift ever."

It started to snow thick, fat flakes as I navigated us home. Alex's hand found my own and I lifted it to my lips, subtly kissing the place where I prayed the ring I picked would sit for the rest of our lives.

Once we were home we loaded presents down to the car, making sure that the ones from Santa were out of sight.

"As much as I just want to jump you, we need to get this done before morning." I sighed.

"Damn, look at you, being responsible."

"I mean, I am, papi now, so I gotta take that shit seriously."

"I love that he calls you that."

"So fucking cute." I agreed.

Alex helped me wrap the rest of the gifts and we settled in to watch a Christmas movie together on the couch with the full intent of fooling around until we both fell asleep halfway through.

"Daddy! Pop!" Philip crawled up on to our laps.

I opened my eyes and squeezed Alex who was stirring in my arms.

"What, baby?" He slurred, sleep in his voice.

"It did a big, huge snow last night!" Philip giggled, tucking under the blankets with us.

I wrapped my arms around them both. This was going to be the best Christmas in years.

"Did it?" Alex sounded less interested than I thought was possible and started to fall back asleep.

"That's so awesome, turtle." I kissed Philip's head.

"Daddy," Philip poked Alex, "daddy, it's waffle time. Christmas Eve breakfast means waffle time."

"What time is it, Pip?" Alex asked.

"Six… five! On the clock." Philip announced.

"Which one is the little hand?" Alex burrowed tighter against me.

"Little hand is six, so that means that it's six… five?"

"We count the big hand by fives, remember?"

"Oh, yeah."

"So, that would be?"

They counted together, Philip sounding hesitant, Alex sounding like he was barely clinging to consciousness, "five, ten, fifteen, twenty, twenty-five."

"So it's six twenty-five!" Philip cheered.

"Yup, but remember on days without school we're quiet until eight, so that's little hand on eight, big hand on twelve."

"Oh, right, sorry daddy. Can I stay cuddled if I'm quiet?"

"Yup." Alex stroked Philip's hair.

We were all silent and cozy for a few minutes.

Philip spoke in a whisper, "daddy? Why twelve?"

Alex shifted slightly between my legs, and snuggled closer to my chest, his voice was still thick with fatigue, "because it made sundials work, it's the fundamental method of telling time, even ancient Egyptians separated days into twenty-four hour cycles, and they told time with sundials and water clocks. These systems evolved into different cultures, like ancient Rome, that's where we get a.m and p.m. it's ante meridiem and post meridiem, before and after midday. There are of course biblical undercurrents with the numeric significance of the number twelve, but like with most traditions, it goes back before the time of Jesus."

I smirked at his tired lesson, knowing that it would go over Philip's head, he always forgot to make his lessons approachable when he was sleepy.

"So… just because?" Philip asked.

"Yup." I agreed.

We napped together on the couch, Philip waking us again at eight o'clock sharp, "daddy, eight… twelve!"

Alex wiped his face and opened his eyes. I smiled down at my boys and stretched. Philip got up and bounced to the kitchen.

"Alright, let's get this show on the road." Alex made himself sit up and shivered as he pulled away from me. He wiped his face again, leaning forward to rest his elbows on his knees.

"I'll stave off the hungry dog for you to have a smoke."

"Bless you, my angel." He pecked a kiss on my lips.

"A'ight, Pip. What all do we need to make waffles?" I asked him as Alex retreated to our bedroom, shutting the door behind him.

"Waffle iron, waffle mix… syrup."

"Okay, you wanna bring a chair in here?"

"Mhm!"

He went to pull a chair up while I got out the ingredients.

"You have waffles every Christmas Eve?"

"Mhm, 'cause most people have Christmas dinner, but daddy works at dinnertime, so we have special Christmas Eve breakfast. I love it. Waffles are my favourite."

"They're tasty." I agreed, pouring water into the coffee pot for Alex, who as if on command came into the kitchen, the smell of smoke clinging to him.

"Babe, can you put P's hair up?" Alex asked me, looking at the long curls hanging over the counter.

"Of course, no one wants hairy waffles." I pulled a hair tie from my wrist and secured it in Philip's hair.

"Ew, hairy waffles!" Philip giggled.

Alex turned to the fridge and pulled out a repurposed orange juice jug that now held white liquid in it.

"Coquito?" He offered.

"I haven't had that in forever."

"Miss Gabriela makes it for Christmas! It's yummy!" Philip told me.

Alex poured three glasses and got a bottle of rum out of the freezer and topped off two of the glasses.

He handed the alcohol-free cup to Philip, "iPipito Coquito y Papito Coquito!"

We all took a drink and smiled at each other, Alex explained the tradition, "abuela used to always say that when she'd give us our cups to make sure we knew which was which."

Philip lifted up his cup, "alabanza abuelita!"

Alex tapped Philip's cup with his, "alabanza!"

I joined in and Alex explained that that was another of his abuela's traits.

We made breakfast together and then sat around the dining table to eat it. Alex made _really good_ waffles. Philip was right. My stomach flipped with excitement as I thought about the events of the day to come, making it harder to eat.

After breakfast we all got ready and went to the theatre, Philip was elated to ride in the car.

Everyone at the theatre was in the Christmas spirit. Lafayette bounced through the halls singing a carol in French. Philip ran up to him and leapt into his arms.

"Uncle Laf!"

"Hello, my little one! Joyeux Noel!"

"That means Merry Christmas, doesn't it?"

"Indeed, it does, and you get to be here for Christmas."

"I know! I'm so happy, I get to have Christmas with daddy and my pop!"

Lafayette looked at me, "your pop?"

Philip nodded, "mhm. 'Cause it's like their both my daddies."

"I see! Go play, little one, the stage is empty, make me a play. I want to see lots of dancing, do you understand?" Lafayette instructed him seriously.

"I understand!" Philip nodded and bounded out of his arms to the stage door.

Lafayette hugged me and we wished each other a Merry Christmas, Alex disappeared to watch Philip play on the stage.

"So today is the day, no?" Lafayette grinned.

"That's the plan."

"It will be just fine, mon ami. He loves you. Mon petit, he loves you as well."

"I know, I'm just nervous."

I made myself busy, trying to work, watching Philip on the stage. Alex leaning against a staircase on pegged casters. Philip was doing spins on the large stage. I turned around to wind a cable and hang it, when I turned back around Alex and Philip were both lying on their bellies, chins over the edge of the stage, looking in on the pit. Alex's arm was outstretched, pointing out different pieces of equipment to Philip. Philip leaned against his dad, snuggled against his side.

I pulled my sketchbook out from under my desk and started to roughly sketch them. After a while I turned my headset on and flipped to mine and Alex's channel.

"Hey, can I borrow Pip?" I asked.

"Yeah, sure thing." He agreed and I watched as he pointed to me in the booth and Philip rushed up toward me.

"What's up, pop?" Philip asked, slightly out of breath.

I double checked that my headset was off and crouched next to Philip.

"You're sure you're okay if I ask daddy to marry me?"

Philip grinned, "yes, then you'll really be papi. Duh."

"Okay. You're sure?"

"I promise."

"Alright… Can you make me a sign?"

He looked at me with Alex's pensive face, "what does it need to say? My letters aren't so good."

"It's okay," I handed him a piece of paper and a marker, "can you write 'daddy, will you marry John?'"

Philip gasped in excitement, "yeah! But I'm gonna say papi, not John."

I smiled at him and helped him spell. He scampered back down to the stage where Lafayette waited to see him put on a performance from the first row. I rushed to man a spot and dropped the house on my way. With the flick of a switch Philip was illuminated in the spotlight and began to sing and dance.

Alex's voice piped through the headset around my neck, "goddamn, I love you."

I un-muted myself, "love you more, darlin'."

Philip finished his show and Lafayette and Alex cheered for him. I brought the house lights back in and turned off the spot, heading back down to the stage. Alex swung Philip in a circle, still singing his praises.

We spent the rest of the day getting ready for the show, Philip drawing up in my booth. Just before places, Alex got him set up with a movie in my old green room and tucked him in. With any luck he'd be asleep early.

During circle Lafayette put on his serious voice and looked at all of the cast and crew, "just because it is holiday does not mean that there will not be notes after, we will meet here."

Everyone agreed and then went to places, I smirked at Laf, knowing that there would be no notes this evening.

The show started and went off without a hitch, everyone was in a good mood with holiday cheer. The audience filled with mostly out of towners who cheered and gasped and applauded freely. After intermission I rigged myself up to go on the truss, Alex found me and gave me the pensive look that Philip had earlier.

"Come up with me." I took his hand.

He shook his head.

"Alex," I singsonged and offered him a red Sour Patch Kid from my pocket, "come on. Best seat in the house. Best show of the year."

"John…" He mumbled.

"I'll keep you safe."

"Fine." He let me help harness him just in time for the lights to go down.

Alex went up first, I climbed slowly behind him, he didn't know the quickest route like I did. We finally settled in up on the scaffold and I offered him a Sour Patch Kid as a reward. After a few scenes he settled. I took my cue and rummaged in my pocket for the ring box, opening it out of sight, fingering the cool metal that lie inside.

With my free hand I got my flashlight out and tapped Alex on the thigh with it. He looked at me in the dark and I grinned at him, turned on the beam and shone it on the black ceiling where I'd taped Philip's sign up. I watched him read it and produced the ring box. He looked at me, mouth agape and then at the ring box, nodding wildly. Tears streamed down his face. I helped him put the ring on and kissed him in the dark. We watched the rest of the show, my arm around him, pressing delicate kisses to one another's lips. After the final bows I helped him climb down and get free from the harness.

He flung his arms around me, "since I didn't get to say it earlier, yes, absolutely, one hundred percent, with my whole heart for my whole life, yes. I love you."

I hugged him and then dropped to a knee, looking up at him, "you sure?"

He nodded and teared up again. I stood up and kissed him.

"Alright, let's get through notes." He grumbled.

"Then we get to be together." I promised, trying to hold back my smirk.

We got backstage where everyone in the show waited for us, a big sign in the back proclaiming, "he said yes!"

Alex laughed behind his hands and I squeezed him to my side while all of our friends and colleagues cheered us on. We ate cake and drank eggnog and had a great time early into the morning. Lafayette had sent some of Alex's crew out to my car to retrieve the presents and set them up for Philip.

A little tipsy, Lafayette hugged me, "congratulations, I am so happy for you."

I hugged him back and thanked him. He repeated the same gesture with Alex who chuckled and thanked him. Burly and able to handle a drunken Lafayette, Hercules appeared at his side and took his weight off of Alex.

"Come on, lover, let's go home." Hercules kissed Lafayette's cheek.

"Oh, I should say this is happening!" Lafayette shouted to me and Alex and pointed between himself and Hercules.

In tandem Alex and I laughed, "we know!"

Hercules maneuvered him out of the theatre and the rest of the cast and crew filtered out.

"Come with me." I took Alex's hand and led him to my booth.

Alex's eyes filled with lust as he realized why we were in my booth. I lie him down on my jacket on the floor and kissed him, straddling his waist.

"John, I love you." He reached up and touched my face.

"I love you, sugar." I agreed.

We stripped each other of our clothing and took time lavishing one another's bodies with affection. I took my time in stretching him, readying him for me. He lie on the floor of my booth, splayed out for me, ring glinting in the low, yellow light. I kissed and nipped at his thighs and at his hips and his belly, his chest, and his neck, finally to his lips and entered him slowly. He cried out for me and stared up at me.

I started to move, letting his face be the barometer to which I set my pace. He wrapped his arms around me and toed the back of my knee. Our lovemaking so gentle, so delicate, completely filled with love and adoration.

"I'm so excited to be your husband." I told him, lips close to his ear.

"I'm so excited to be yours."

"I get you forever. Get to walk by your side, help you, love you."

He bit his lip and his eyes rolled up, I laughed, "you like that?"

"Yeah, you're… you're my rock. I'm so grateful I have you."

I slowed my hips to stay in the moment, "I'm so grateful you taught me how to love."

"Me? No, sweetheart, you taught me."

I kissed him, "I had a lot to learn, too. About love, about family. You're my favourite lesson."

He bore down around me and I watched his brows twist. I kissed him through his climax and rode out my own not long after. We lie together on my jacket in the low light and talked, punctuating our words with kisses.

"Merry Christmas." I told him.

"The best one ever." He smirked.


	14. Chapter 14

**I haven't forgotten about this, I promise. Between school and NaNoWriMo, my writing efforts are being spread a little thinner. I hope you guys enjoy! Thank you so much for reading.**

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Philip was between us, wrapped in Alex's arms, Alex wrapped in mine. I held my boys tight and shifted on the futon, Alex grinned and I realized that he was awake.

"Hi, babe." I whispered.

"Morning." He blinked and leaned around Philip for a kiss.

I pecked his lips and grinned back, the whole world feeling still and perfect.

"I love you so much." I told him, hoping that it sounded like a promise.

"I love you, too. Merry Christmas, sweetheart."

"Merry Christmas."

Philip stretched stiff before rolling over and nuzzling his face in my chest. I brushed his hair back with my fingers and stared at Alex with my lip stuck out.

"You know you've gotta stop making that face every time he's sweet." Alex winked at me.

"He's just so perfect, though. I don't know how. I don't think that I could."

"You're perfect."

Philip reached up and placed his hand on my cheek, running his palm over the stubble. He mumbled.

"What, baby?" Alex leaned in to hear him.

"Is it time to get married, daddies?" Philip mumbled again.

Alex and I chuckled before he answered, "no, my love, it's Christmas."

Philip sat up, throwing the blankets off of us all, "it's Christmas?"

We nodded at him.

"Santa? Was Santa here? Did he find us?"

Alex yawned, but feigned excitement, "let's go check, Pip!"

"Pop, come on!" Philip grabbed my wrist and I followed them both off of the creaky futon, Alex wrapped in the comforter.

The theatre was filled with the signs of Lafayette, I wondered just how drunk Alex and I had gotten to not see him do everything. A trail of stage snow had boot prints in it that led from the stage door to the stage, Philip gasped and followed it on to the stage. The house lights were on, giving the empty theatre a gentle glow.

"Daddies!" He squealed.

The pile of presents we'd brought and hidden sat on the stage, Philip slid over to them and looked patiently at Alex.

"Go on, Pip." Alex nodded.

I took the blanket from Alex and wrapped it around my shoulders before sitting on the stage and pulling him against my chest. He leaned back against me and sighed contentedly while we watched Philip open presents. I twisted his hair between my fingers and rooted against his neck, sighing into his coffee and cigarettes smell. This was the best Christmas. His ring glinted in the house lights. Philip tore through the paper on each package and was elated with each new discovery. We'd done alright.

"He found us, guys!" Philip said happily.

"I know! I told you. Daddy knows what's up." Alex winked.

"Good job, daddy!" Philip squealed.

"Hey, tell John thank you, too, he worked hard."

"Thanks, papi!" He beamed at me.

"Hey, turtle, c'mere." I waved him over with two fingers dangling over Alex's knee.

Philip crawled on his hands and knees over to us in his footie pajamas, "what?"

I pulled out the tiny box that held the chain I'd gotten for him, "here, this is my special present to you."

He inspected the box and opened it slowly, "what is it?"

"It's a chain, made of real gold, it's a special present from me to you since I gave your daddy a ring to ask him to marry me, I wanted to give you this special necklace to ask you if it's okay for me to be your papi for real."

I heard Alex sniff and squeezed his knee, pressing a kiss to his neck.

Philip nodded excitedly, "can you put it on me?"

I took the box and pulled the chain from it, Philip held up his hair as I reached around Alex to clasp it around his neck. Alex and I were both enveloped in a hug.

"Daddy," Philip whispered in the loud, excited fashion kids tend to whisper in, "we have a real family now."

"Yeah, we do." Alex grinned.

I held them both in my arms and surveyed the leftovers of Christmas paper on the stage. Best Christmas ever.

"Alright," Alex sighed after a long time, "actors are gonna start getting here soon, let's get cleaned up, I'm gonna go and get a trash bag."

Philip spun in circles and rolled in the paper while we waited for Alex to return.

"Daddy!" Philip hugged Alex's legs.

"Hi, baby, I was only gone a minute."

"But I missed you, 'cause I love you."

"Hey, Pipper, can you do me a big favour and start cleaning up your paper, I need John for just a minute."

"Okay, daddy." Philip grumbled, but started to put the paper trash in the bag.

Alex took my hand and led me to the green room.

"Where are we going?" I asked.

"Close your eyes." He instructed.

"Okay." I obeyed and heard him flick the light switch.

"Open."

I opened my eyes and saw a drawing I'd done of the three of us, blown up to at least four times its original size, mounted on canvas.

"It's my art." I clenched my jaw to keep my emotions in check.

"It's our family, it's us in the perfect way you see you. No more hiding in a sketchbook. I want us to hang it up at home."

"But, 'Lex, how did you…"

He smirked, "Lafayette."

"I should have known. Babe, thank you so much, this is so perfect."

"I wanted to do more for you, give you the world but…"

I touched the canvas, the curve of Philip's cheek as I'd drawn it, "you have."

He wrapped me in a hug and sighed, "this is the best Christmas."

"Ever." I agreed.

"Let's go see what the baby's doing, but, man, when we get home tonight,"

"You looking for a repeat performance of last night?"

"Might be," he winked over his shoulder, "can I do anything in the world to possibly persuade you to run interference on P so that I can grab a smoke?"

"Say no more." I waved him away and walked toward the stage.

I heard Philip giggling when I was in the wings and found Lafayette on stage with him, a nerf gun war ensuing.

Lafayette squawked, taking a dart to the leg, he threw himself on the ground dramatically, "I am injured! Shot! For this country that I love! Remember me!" He crawled off stage as Philip cackled with laughter.

"Pop, uncle Lafayette is here!" Philip pointed out.

"I see that, sup, Laf?" I helped him up.

"He brought us breakfast!" Philip told me.

I noticed the bags and drink carriers in the corner.

Alex joined us, blowing into his hands to warm himself, he grinned at seeing Lafayette and wrapped him in a hug.

"Joyeux Noel!" Alex cheered to him.

"And to you as well, mon ami!" Lafayette started to dish out drinks to us, a red eye for Alex, hot chocolate for Philip, chai latte for me.

The bags held cinnamon rolls that we sat on stage to eat, Alex winked at me and disappeared under the stage, his coffee with him. Christmas Carols on piano soon filled the theatre.

"Daddy!" Philip looked at me in amazement.

I grinned at him and listened to the music, smiling to myself when Alex's fingers stumbled over keys. Philip ate more of his cinnamon roll and danced from his seated position. I sang along with the carols and eventually Lafayette joined in, missing some of the words.

We finally got ourselves together and started to get ready for the day, knowing that the rest of the cast and crew would arrive in the next half hour.

Everyone was in a joyful mood and many of the cast brought in little presents for Philip. The dressing rooms were flooded with snacks and leftovers from the cast's families. Our sound guy baked cookies. We all celebrated as a family with extra attention on Philip. He sat back stage playing with his new toys during the first show and the festivities continued between shows.

I caught Alex's eye between shows, he looked flighty. I crossed the sea of people to him, "cigarette break?"

He nodded and gripped my hand, guiding us outside. It was windy and cold, he pulled his hoodie around him tighter.

"Thanks." He lit a smoke.

"You looked a little freaked out in there? Everything okay?"

He nodded and blew out a cloud of smoke and hot air into the cold world around us and shivered, "just a lot of people. A lot of people who love my kid and you love us and I'm just overwhelmed by how… good things are."

"Me, too." I smirked at him. Things were good.

His teeth chattered in the cold and I pulled my hoodie over my head and handed it to him in exchange for his cigarette.

"John, no, it's freezing out here." He protested.

"I'm fine." I promised.

I wedged a hand in the pocket of my jeans and steeled myself against the frigid air, the wind cutting right through my t shirt. I took a drag off his cigarette and stared him down until he put my jacket on.

"And I think I'm getting fucking sick." He wiped his nose on the sleeve of my hoodie instinctually.

I couldn't help but grin at him and tucked a loose piece of hair behind his ear.

"I was worried about that, you sounded stuffy in your sleep last night."

"I just hope Philip doesn't catch whatever it is." He flicked ash on the ground and leaned his forehead against my shoulder.

I stood with him, blocking what of the wind that I could and wrapped my arms around him. We stood like that until he finished his smoke.

Once inside, he gave me my jacket back and I noticed how warm his skin was. He _was_ getting sick. I loaded up most of Philip's gifts into the car and we snacked on the abundance of food. Everyone made it through the next show. Alex was off stage reviewing his clipboard with his head in hand. I turned off and hung up my headset and rubbed his shoulders.

"Ready to go home, sugar?" I asked him.

He nodded, "yeah, I need to go and get Pip."

I gave him my car keys, "get the car started and I'll go grab him."

Alex nodded again and disappeared in the shadows. I moved through backstage to the green room and found Philip completely asleep on the futon. I slid my hands under his little body and picked him up, he nuzzled against my chest.

"Daddy?" His tiny voice mumbled.

"Shh, baby, papi's got you, we're going home." I kissed his hair and shuffled his weight to one arm to drape his coat over him.

"I wanna go home." He agreed.

I carried him to the car, still cold, but warming up, with Alex inside and tucked Philip into his car seat. He fell back asleep quickly. Alex leaned against the window and I drove us home carefully, the streets quieter than usual. My hand found Alex's thigh and I rubbed tiny circles with my thumb.

Once we were home I unbuckled Philip and picked him up, holding him to my chest. Alex stirred and started to fall back asleep.

"Darlin' c'mon, we're home," I whispered.

He stretched and woke up enough to drag himself out of the car. Philip got slightly heavier with each new flight of stairs. Alex unlocked the door and I put Philip to bed. Once I got to our bedroom I found Alex on top of the blankets still fully clothed, tucked up in fetal position. I giggled at his determination to sleep and pulled his shoes off and then his jeans and tucked the blankets around him before stripping myself down to my t shirt and underwear. Like a homing beacon, he found my side instantly once I slid under the covers with him and pressed his sweaty forehead against my neck.

"Good night, my love." I kissed the spot on his finger where my ring stood and sighed. Best Christmas ever.


	15. Chapter 15

**I'm really trying to update more regularly! I'm finally getting on top of homework which lets me focus on writing a little bit more. Thank you so much for all of the support and reviews. It really means a lot.**

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Alex was wheezing beside me, a pool of his drool residing in the hollow of my collar bone. He snorted and triggered a coughing fit that woke him up. I woke up all the way as he leaned forward to cough, wetter than his usual smoker's cough. I rubbed his back. Finally, he worked through it and leaned against me again.

"Here, sugar, let me go get you some meds." I caressed his clammy cheek.

"I'm fine." He tried to protest, but it came out as a wheeze.

I slipped out of bed and looked in on Philip, still asleep and then went in to the bathroom to get Alex's medicines. I dished out cough syrup and fever reducer and his inhaler to him upon my return and he took them gratefully. He pleaded for me to come back to bed and I obliged.

"I'm sorry you don't feel well, good job doing it on our day off, though." I wrapped my arms around him and stared down at his pink, stubbly cheeks and glassy eyes.

"I've got skills." He agreed.

Alex shivered in my arms and I kissed his sweaty forehead. I let him nap against me while I scrolled through apps on my phone.

"Daddies?" Philip padded down the hall.

"What, turtle?" I called to him.

"Daddies, I'm hungry."

Alex swallowed hard and panted, sitting up and swinging his legs over the edge of the bed, "yup… okay..."

"Alexander Hamilton, keep your ass in this bed." I stared at him in shock and flung myself out of bed before he could try to stop me.

"Thank you." He moaned after me.

I made Philip a bowl of oatmeal and set it at the table for him. He took his seat.

"Daddy's sick, pop." He told me.

"Yup," I agreed and felt Philip's forehead, he was fine.

"Can we play? Like with my new toys?"

"Yup, after breakfast." I agreed and went back to check on Alex who was sleeping again, wrapped in the blanket, still feverish. I sat in front of him on the bed and swept his hair back from his sticky face.

"Papi!" Philip called to me. I washed my hands and then went to the living room where he sat with his new trucks and miniature keyboard.

"Alright, what's our game?" I sat cross-legged across from him.

"Batman and the Ninja Turtles have teamed up to save the day, and you're gonna play the soundtrack." He put the play piano in my lap.

"I don't really play, buddy."

"Make up a song, you can do it."

I poked at the keys tentatively while Batmans and Leonardo rode the truck around the sofa.

"That's a really good song, pop, what's it called?"

"Uh…" I thought about it, "Batman and the Ninja Turtles save the day?"

"That's a pretty nice name for a song."

I heard Alex get up and watched him stumble to the bathroom.

"You alright, babe?" I called to him.

"Yeah, I'm, yeah." He mumbled back through the door.

"Don't worry about daddy. He's sick _all_ the time. Sometimes I get sick. Mostly from other kids at school. I think I want to go in my room and read my books."

"Okay, I'm gonna be in bed with daddy, call me if you need anything, okay?"

He nodded and hugged me, "I will. I will!" And just like that he was off.

I went back to the bedroom and Alex joined me, curling up into my side again. I loved even so used to being so independent that he was willing to seek me out for comfort. I held him and he swallowed like it hurt.

"Babe, can I make you breakfast?" I offered.

He shook his head.

"Tea?"

Head shake.

"Water?"

"No." He mustered.

"Coffee?" I was getting desperate.

"No. I'm fine."

"Okay. I will, you just say the word, okay?"

He nodded and slept again. I listened to how he wheezed. His sleeping lasted for an hour before he bolted upright.

"Philip?" He looked around.

I rubbed his shoulders and spoke to him tenderly, "he's okay, he's in his room."

Alex shook his head like he was clearing an etch a sketch, "bad dreams, I guess."

I nodded and welcomed him back into my arms, "how about something to eat?"

He moaned a declination.

"Something to drink?"

Alex shook his head again.

"Okay, well, I'm going to make myself a cup of tea. I might as well make you one, too." I slipped away from him.

"You're the worst, but I love you."

"I relish in being the worst, dear, almost husband."

Philip was still reading in bed, used to Alex's sick days being spent alone, I poked my head in, "doing okay?"

"Doing okay!" He confirmed.

I filled two mugs with water and put them in the microwave and heated them. Once the microwave beeped I dropped in tea bags and carried the mugs back into our bedroom where Alex had fallen back asleep. I set our mugs on the side table and crawled up the foot of the bed.

Alex groaned and stretched.

"You alright?" I asked him.

"I'm okay. Wicked freaking backache."

"Probably from being in bed so long. Do you want to move out to the couch?"

"Nah... "

"Drink your tea." I instructed.

He reluctantly sipped it and set it back on the table and snuggled into me, groaning and rubbing his back. His little sniffles were precious, I snuggled in closer to him, it seemed like his fever was marginally better. Philip appeared in the doorway.

"Daddy?" He leaned against the door and swung it to and fro.

"What do you need, Pip?" Alex looked at him with squinting eyes.

"Are you okay, daddy?"

Alex nodded and sniffled to no avail, his nose completely out of commission.

"Can I come in and cuddle you?"

"No, Pip. Do you need food?"

"No, daddy, pop made me oatmeal, not hungry again yet."

"Go away, baby." Alex shooed him.

Philip hung his head and shuffled off. Alex turned in on himself fetally and smacked his lips, taking a careful sip of tea.

"He can't get sick." Alex told me, inferring that I was frowning at him for telling Philip to go away.

"I know." I patted his back and he gasped a wheeze.

"Damn." He groaned.

"Hurts that bad?"

"I think it's my kidneys."

"What the hell, that's random."

He shook his head, "no, I have like a kidney thing. Sometimes it brings on a fever or the fever brings it on. I should go to the doctor, but fuck it."

"Hold… hold on. What? Wait, let me go put on a movie for Philip. But… What?" I got up and found Philip playing alone with his truck.

"Are we going to the hospital?" He asked.

"No, maybe, I don't know yet. Wanna watch Scooby?"

"Yes! I love love love Scooby!" He proceeded to sing the theme song while I put the DVD in the machine and turned it on.

I kissed the top of his head and tucked him in on the couch with a throw blanket and went back to Alex.

"Okay, so what's this kidney situation?"

"I don't know, it's either a genetic thing from my mom or I broke my kidneys when I got really sick as a kid. I dunno. It's not great, though." He wheezed out the explanation.

"Damn, babe."

"I'm fine."

"Well, and I mean you take such good care of yourself, what with the sleeping enough and the not smoking and the not overdoing it on caffeine."

"Well…" he trailed off.

"So should we go to the doctor?"

"I can maybe call my doctor and get meds just sent over to the pharmacy."

"This happens that much?"

"Like once a year or so?"

"Jeez, babe."

"Where's my phone?" He patted the bed and I handed him his phone from the nightstand.

He squinted out of one eye and looked through the contacts until he found the right one. He called the number and rested the phone against his cheek, still shivering with fever.

"Hi… It's Alexander… Hamilton… yeah, no, he's okay. I know he needs to come in, yeah, he got a flu shot… no I didn't… I know I should have… I'm having another flare up… kidneys, yeah… no… I haven't… no… yeah… that would be great… thank you… you too." He hung up.

"You can just call your doctor?"

"Well the nurse in the office, yeah."

"Did she say something about malaria?" I felt my eyes widen.

"It's fine." He brushed me off.

"Malaria doesn't sound fine."

"No, it is… It's not like real malaria, just a blood thing I get sometimes, usually like in the summer."

"A blood thing. You are one sickly fella, you know that?"

He nodded and cuddled up to me, "it's the whole super sick as a kid thing."

"You were that sick?" No matter how many times he told me, it would never sink in.

"Almost died… a little bit."

I hugged him tighter.

"No dying… I'm too young to be a widower."

"I just got Pip two dads, think I'll keep that number for a while." He managed a grin.

"That's a good plan. When do I need to go to the pharmacy?"

"I'll go." He winced and pressed on his back.

"Not a chance in Hell."

"Around two." He told me grudgingly.

"Good answer… Will antibiotics fix this?"

Alex nodded, "and liquids, so thanks for the tea."

"Anything for you, babe." I kissed his forehead.

I watched as he spun his ring around his finger with his thumb and smiled down at him.

"I want to marry you like yesterday." His voice was a difficult wheeze.

I giggled at him, "well, I suppose we ought to plan that, huh?"

"Probably a good plan."

"Maybe we wait until you're better?"

"I guess." He yawned and broke into a coughing fit.

I went to the kitchen and made Philip and peanut butter and jelly sandwich. He sat at the table eating it contentedly.

"I'm sort of bored, but not big bored, just little bored." He said around a mouthful of sandwich.

"Wait until you're done eating, Pip. Sorry you're bored, I know it's kind of a boring day," I ate a handful of Sour Patch Kids from my stash in the cupboard and set one on his plate, "you can come get daddy's medicine with me. I'm gonna get him some soup for dinner."

"And we can get empanadas?"

"I think we can probably arrange that." I winked at him and gave him another Sour Patch Kid.

He ginned up at me and ate it.

"Tonight, though, you should take a bath."

"Come on, a bath? Really?" His sass intensified.

"Yup, but I'll braid your hair pretty."

"Super pretty." He wagered.

"Super pretty, scout's honour." I held up the salute.

"What's that mean?"

A ghost from the past, "it's like a promise, a special promise that you can't break. From Boy Scouts."

"What's Boy Scouts?"

Hell.

"It's a club for Boys to learn how to… camp?"

"Oh… sounds fun." He shrugged and went back to his room.

I decided to get dressed to get ready to go to the pharmacy for Alex, and stripped out of my pajamas.

"Goddamn." Alex wheezed.

"Are you serious, right now?" I turned around and laughed.

He stared at me through one squinting eye, "even better from this angle."

"You're too much." I shook my head at him.

"But you like it." He coughed.

"That's not the point." I felt myself blush.

"Couple days… on antibiotics and you better watch out." He pointed at me weakly.

I giggled at his sickly attempts to flirt and pulled on new boxer briefs and track pants, he made a wheezy pouting sound that only got worse when I pulled a henley over my head.

"Sorry, darlin', gotta go and get your meds, and dinner."

He smirked, "I love it when you call me that, fucking cute… accent… I… love it."

I kissed his head, realizing he was falling back asleep, "I love you… darlin'."

Philip was yanking on his snow boots, mostly appropriately attired. I put on my own shoes and we set off, racing down the stairs.

"You're too fast!" He squealed.

"Keep up!" I called out.

"Pop! No fair!"

I slowed up and let him gain on me, still beating him.

"Daddy never beats me." Philip whined.

"Well, that's because daddy smokes."

"I'm never gonna smoke."

"That's a good plan."

"Sometimes you smoke with daddy."

"I know, it's a bad habit, huh?"

Philip nodded and took my hand. It was cold out, I was grateful that the walk to the pharmacy was short. I put his hood up over his head and let my own hair down from its ponytail to keep me warmer. Philip was bored while we waited for Alex's medication to be ready, so we paced the aisles, looking at character bandaids and nail polish.

"Ooh, look at that one." Philip pointed to a blue sparkly colour.

"That one's nice." I agreed.

"Which one do you like best?"

"Hmm," I thought about it and pointed to an emerald green polish.

"I like that one a lot."

"Hamilton?" The pharmacist called.

I patted Philip on the back and ushered his back to the counter, I picked up the meds, grateful for union insurance and we were on our way.

"Time for empanadas!" Philip screeched once we were outside.

We walked down the street to one of Alex's favourite restaurants. I greeted the woman at the counter and we placed our order. While we waited we ate empanadas and drank spicy hot chocolate.

"This is different than the empanadas at your old house." Philip commented.

"Yeah, still good stuff, though."

"Still good stuff," he agreed, "how come you didn't live there for a long time?"

"Because daddy asked me to come live with you guys."

"Not because it was expensive?"

"Well, it was, but that's not why."

"'Cause Mr. Ortega said, 'it costs too damn much to stay open!'"

"Don't say damn, Pip. Who's Mr. Ortega?"

"He was a dry cleaner, he was friends with abuela before she died. I would go with her to pick up her fancy clothes."

"That's a sweet memory."

Our food was ready, I picked it up and thanked the woman, she looked at me with a somewhat vacant expression.

Philip pushed past me to the counter and looked up, "iGracias por la comida! Hasta próxima, señora. Hace mucho mucho frío fuera."

"iAdiós, Philip!" The woman's face broke into a smile and she waved at us.

I took the food and waved at her, being shown up by a kid.

"What did you say to the lady? Thanks…. Food? Ma'am… cold?"

"Ugh," Philip was exasperated with my little understanding of Spanish, "I thanked her for our food, told her I'd see her soon and that's it's so so cold out!"

"Oh, I see."

"Papi, you really need to learn to speak Spanish."

"I know. I know." He wasn't wrong.

I let him carry Alex's medicine on the walk home and hoped that it would make him feel better quickly, hating how hard sicknesses got to him.


	16. Chapter 16

**Hey... anybody in here? You guys! I have missed you so much! Thank you for waiting so patiently, it means so much to me to know that you're hanging on. That is truly the biggest compliment of my work that I could receive. I hope that you enjoy this chapter.**

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Alex was already sleeping by the time I slipped into bed after putting Philip down for the night. It was a fitful sleep. He was sticky with sweat and whimpering. I wrapped myself around him and pushed his stringy hair back.

"Shh, darlin', I'm here." I cooed to him.

His dreams were always worse when he was sick.

Alex groaned and rolled into my side, I was still awake… awake again… something like that.

It was a long night up with Alex. The antibiotics started to work and his fever broke with the rising sun.

"Hi, sugar." I yawned when he finally opened his eyes. For the first time in two days they weren't glassy.

"Hi, sweetheart." He smiled up at me.

The stubble on his cheeks was filling in, he looked pretty rough, hair barely still in its tie, looking like a cut Flintstones character.

"How are you feeling."

"Way better. Thanks for everything. Is Pip still asleep?"

I nodded and yawned again.

"You wanna mess around a little bit?" he winked at me.

"After you take a shower?" I smiled lopsidedly at him.

"Good point. I'm pretty gross right now, huh?"

I kissed his forehead, "a little bit, yeah. How about I come join you in that shower, though?"

"I'd love that."

He was still moving slowly, I looked in on Philip who still slept peacefully - if not diagonally - as we crossed the hallway to the bathroom and shut the door behind us.

Alex peeled off his pajamas slowly and then let the rest of his hair out of the band that held it. He looked at himself in the mirror and groaned.

"I look like death."

"You at least look like death warmed over." I countered and kissed his shoulder.

I heated the shower for us and we stepped in, careful to avoid a rubber duck and Batman on the tub floor. He moaned at the warmth of the mist and leaned against my chest.

"That feel good?" I asked him.

"So good. How do you put up with me?"

"Because I love you." I smiled down at him.

"I suppose there's that." He stood himself back up and washed his hair, groaning in delight at how good it felt.

We traded places so that I could start washing my own hair and caught him admiring me once I finally opened my eyes back up.

"I love you, too." He told me.

"I know," I grinned and blew water away from my face, "now come here and let me fix your face."

I squirted shaving cream into my palm and brushed it over his cheeks and then delicately took his razor to them, instructing him when to tighten his cheek with his tongue, I was careful to frame his goatee, shoring up the edges.

"Beautiful." I wiped the remnants of the foam away with a cloth and kissed him.

"Thank you, love." He kissed me a second time, leaning into me and deepening the kiss.

The door swung open and we hissed giggles into each others mouths.

"Daddy? Papi?" Philip called out.

"We're in here, baby." Alex poked his head around the curtain.

"I got a little scared because I couldn't find you. Wait, papi is in there, too?"

I poked my head around the other end of the curtain, "morning, turtle."

"Why are you both in there? Do... I need to get in there, too?" His hair was still set in the little braids I'd plaited last night.

Alex stammered and I quickly recovered us, "daddy's just a little weak on his feet from being really sick, but he was getting stinky so I'm helping him take a shower. Go hang out and then I'll fix you some breakfast, okay?"

"Okay, papi! I'm glad you're cleaning up daddy, he was getting really stinky." He left the door open and scampered away.

"I wasn't _that smelly._ " Alex argued and I stared at him with a smile playing on my lips, "oh, fine, but don't think that I didn't catch that Rent reference, _just a little weak on my feet_ , huh?"

"I know I've seen you out and about… when I used to go out." I kissed him.

"We're so gonna screw our kid up." My heart stuttered at hearing him refer to Philip, his flesh and blood as our kid.

"Isn't that kind of the goal of parenting?"

"I guess so. Hopefully he ends up with a good job and can afford nice insurance to pay for all of the therapy he's going to need."

"I'm sure his rich uncle will help."

"Please, sweetheart, there is no rich unc- wait a minute… you're talking about Laf, aren't you?"

I smirked at him and we both fell apart laughing. We showered and rubbed soap across each other's shoulders, but I could see how tired he was getting and helped him back out of the tub. We dried off and then wrapped the towels around our waists and went back to our room to dress ourselves.

"Go to bed, babe, I'll bring you some breakfast." I kissed Alex on the cheek.

"Daddies, are you done with your shower?" Philip asked.

"Yeah, baby." Alex announced, welcoming him into our room before curling back in bed.

Philip carried two bowls carefully, still sloshing milk on the hardwood floors, "I made breakfast!"

He handed us the two soggiest bowls of frosted flakes that the world had ever seen and grinned widely, his little freckles standing out on his cheeks, emphasizing his grin.

"Would you look at that, 'Lex, breakfast in bed." I commented and took a bite of the mush, swallowing hard and forcing a smile.

"Wow! Thank you so much, Pip." Alex tugged at one of Philip's braids.

"I wanted to help Papi, 'cause he had to do everything."

"That's pretty sweet of you, turtle," I told him, "what about your breakfast?"

He rolled his eyes, "oh, please, papi, it's already in my belly." He patted his stomach for extra impact.

Alex and I made our way through the frosted flake mush and I took our bowls into the kitchen where I was met with a mess for the ages.

"The milk was pretty heavy, papi." Philip said matter of factly.

I sighed and nodded, getting the rag that hung over the sink.

Philip shifted his weight from one foot to the other, "papi, are you mad at me?"

I smiled at him, "no, turtle, I'm just tired."

"I just wanted to help."

"You were a big help! Thank you for breakfast."

He nodded but still looked nervous, "I just wanted to be helpful."

"You were, buddy."

I finished wiping up the milk and then picked up the cereal that had scattered through the kitchen and did the dishes.

"Should I do my Christmas break homework?" Philip asked me.

"That's probably not the worst plan. Do you need help?"

"Not yet. I just have to read a book."

I nodded and my ears pricked up to the bedroom, I heard Alex's voice, low and heated, swearing. The sound was alarming, my feet carried me instinctively to our room. He was on his phone, leaning up in bed on an elbow, his lips pulled back in a snarl, he still looked sick, but now his sickness had been taken over by ferality.

"I want nothing to do with you, you're a burden and an inconvenience, as far as my child knows you don't exist. I'm keeping it that way. Whatever handouts or flophouse you're looking for, they're going to have to come from somewhere else…"

I wondered if this was Philip's mother and leaned against the doorframe, listening to the rest of the conversation, trying to put pieces together.

"No, don't fucking pretend you called to wish me a happy birthday. Don't call me son… Fuck that, certainly don't assume the guise of calling to wish him a happy birthday. _Don't call me son._ That's bullshit… No… don't call me again, you aren't wanted… you're despised. Call me son one more time!" His voice echoed like a baseball cracking against a bat and I shuddered, I'd never heard him sound like that.

He spat another 'fuck you' and then hung up the phone. I crossed the room to sit beside him, Philip peeked around the door.

"It's okay, Pip, I'm sorry I lost my temper." He dropped his head into his hands.

"It's okay, daddy. I'm gonna finish my homework." Pip's eyes were wide.

"Babe… what was that?" I asked, pulling Alex against me.

"My father…"

"I thought you didn't have contact with him."

"I don't… somehow he finds me sometimes. I don't get it. It's a small neighbourhood, so I'm sure someone he stays in touch with gave him my info."

"I'm sorry, darlin',"

"It's fine, I just don't want him knowing so much about my kid. I'm sure he's just gotten back out of jail and was trying to get money or a place to stay out of me. I can't have my son around that. Are you kidding me? We're up against so many odds as it is, hispanic, poor, gay, teen parent, single parent… until now, I mean, I can't fucking add him to the mix. I know how bad the kids already are to Pip. There's no way I'm going to volunteer to exacerbate this. I can't give him a harder time. Everything that I do I do to protect him."

I thought back to when our relationship was new, hell, it still is, but back before I even knew about Philip, "I know."

"This fucking sucks." He leaned against me.

"I know it does, but, hey, are you feeling any better?"

He nodded, "I'll be fine for work tomorrow."

I frowned at him, "are you sure?"

"Oh, yeah, this shit never lasts too long once the antibiotics kick in."

"How did you get so sick in the first place… I'll never understand."

"Because I was a child and my mom died and I was left alone in an apartment without heat and there wasn't any food in the house and I couldn't take care of myself and I was in an apartment with a dead body and that's just kind of what happens."

He hadn't told me that much before, "Jesus. Where the fuck was your father?"

"He was out on a bender. I'm pretty sure that I have a half brother, James, I think, but who knows, he could have a whole different life that I know nothing about, and, frankly, I want nothing to do with it."

"Jeez, babe." I smoothed his hair back.

"At least your dad doesn't call." He said it with tears in his eyes, wishing for a situation like mine, but it still stung, I stared out the window.

"Sorry, Jack… I didn't mean it like that."

"No, you're right. I'm better off. Just wish that I could have done more for my siblings before I left. I'll always feel selfish."

"Jack, babe, no, you're the least selfish person I've ever known. You were kicked out, you had to do what was right for you."

"I know… I mean… _I know…_ but still… without me and mom there, I don't know what he's like around the other kids. They weren't… strong like me."

"You're so strong, John. You're the strongest man that I know."

My thoughts were on my siblings, I hadn't talked to them for a long time. I wondered if my littlest sister would even remember me.

"My mom was a good person, you know." I felt like I had to justify myself.

"It sounds like she was."

"My siblings, they're good people, too."

"I believe you."

"It's just my dad that's a piece of shit."

"I know he is. I've seen the scars."

I nodded, "those are only the ones that you can see."

"I know, lover, I know."

I wiped a few streaky tears off of my face, "but it's okay, I have a real family now. I have you guys, that's all I really need. I got my happiness, more than I deserve."

"You deserve all of it and more."

I smiled, but could only muster cooperation from half of my mouth, "you need anything?"

"Nah, I'm good."

"I think I need to sketch for a while."

"Okay, wouldn't… wouldn't hurt for me to work on this damned musical."

"I love you, Alex."

"Love you, too, John." He pecked me on the lips and we went to seek comfort in our different outlets.

I worked on a long forgotten sketch of my sister, Martha. I hoped that the kids were okay. I honestly hoped that the old son of a bitch was dead. I figured that I would have heard something by now if he was, but it didn't make me wish it any less.


	17. Chapter 17

**To everyone who has written me about this fic. Thank you so much for all of the support. I am absolutely still around and still working on my stories. I have gotten loaded down with work and school and some of my other projects, but yes, I'm definitely still working on all of my open stories. Thank you a million times and I can't wait to hear what you think about the latest chapter!**

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Alex was still grumpy. He wasn't mean or angry, just grumpy. He'd felt up to going to work and we left Philip down the street with the Solario's. I'd never seen him so moody, but decided to let it hang. There was enough for me to do at the theatre to keep busy, I hoped that diving into work would give him the opportunity to let go of what was on his mind. I was up on the rig changing out light bulbs. I'd trusted my team to just about everything, but this was one of the duties that I still received full responsibility for. Once the bulbs were all fresh I went to my booth to check them all. I was quickly joined by Lafayette.

"Are you having bad sex?" He blurted out quickly.

I swiveled my chair to look at him and pulled my headset down around my neck, "what? No."

He leaned back against the corner, eyes fixed on the far wall and tapped his lips with his forefinger, "and the Pip? He is fine?"

"Yes… Laf, what's this about?"

"My stage manager just stumbled over an extension cord and shouted at it like it had wronged his whole family. I sent him out to get a cup of coffee, he needed to take a lap. Do you know what is wrong with him?"

I rubbed my face and let out a big breath, "his dad called the other day, he's been… bitchy ever since."

Lafayette's shoulders rounded and his gaze dropped to the floor, a string of French curses spilling out of his mouth.

"Do you know more about the dad thing?"

"Alexander's father is a piece of shit."

 _Whose isn't?_ "Have you ever known him to have contact?"

"He showed up to opening night of our senior production. He was incredibly drunk. The police were called and he was taken with a warrant. I believe there was a call from prison once, but, no, he hates the man."

"He represents everything Alex is afraid of."

"Exactly. He is a dangerous, sloppy drunk. This call… how did it go?"

"A lot of 'fuck you's'."

"That's my boy." Lafayette grinned.

"What should I do?"

"There is very little that you can do until it blows over."

I chewed at my lip and nodded, I hated seeing Alex this way, but knew that Lafayette was right. He usually was.

The show that night went over well. I snuck down to the wings and found Alex, a shadow, an enigma in his all blacks with clipboard in hand, cueing his team. He still seemed off, but he grinned widely when he saw me. I stood behind him and wrapped my arms around his waist, threading them through the kangaroo pocket of his hoodie, both of us looking out at the stage. He muttered softly into his headset occasionally, but leaned back into me. I could feel the tension on his body, but just held him. Maybe the best thing I could do was just to be with him, be present in this moment. He ring glinted in the stage light thrown off into the wings as he flipped the page.

"I love you." I bent to whisper in his ear and left my chin on his shoulder.

He shrugged his shoulders back into me to nuzzle a silent _I love you_.

After the show, we walked hand in hand to the subway.

"Sorry I've been such a pain." Alex sighed.

"Oh, babe, it's okay. I know you're just struggling with having to talk to your father."

"I am. I hate letting him rob me of any joy with my family, but it's just like hearing his voice, it sounds like all of the pain and suffering that I've ever been through. I think about what life would have been like if I'd had a good dad, or if my mom was still around."

"If it was all different you wouldn't have Pip." I reminded him.

He twirled his ring with his thumb, "I wouldn't have you."

I kissed the top of his head and tucked the hair that had fallen out of his ponytail behind his ear.

"I don't think you've slept at all in the last two nights, get any writing done?"

He nodded carefully, "I kind of think it's done."

I beamed at him, "it is? Sweetheart, that's amazing! I want to hear it. You should talk to Laf, I mean there's got to be grants and funding to take it to stage. We know everyone in the business, shit, start a Go Fund Me if we have to. That's so fantastic, babe. I'm so proud of you."

He smiled at me nervously and then his gaze shifted to the ground, "I'm not going to do anything with it."

My heart sank, "'Lex, you… you have to… you're brilliant."

The train slowed and deposited us at our stop, tabling the conversation until we got up the escalator and into the cold night. He shuddered and pulled his jacket tighter around him.

"Alex, babe, I really think you should consider taking this somewhere."

"I can't, John." He said it with defeat in his tone, but I refused to let this drop.

"Why not?"

I… I have never been the type to try and grab the spotlight. I've always known I wanted to be in theatre, hell, that I love writing it, but I like my quiet life, our quiet life. I don't want to have Philip get accosted as my kid, I don't want to not be able to have a quiet breakfast with you guys."

"Babe, there are stages between us and Jonathan Larson, it's not like you'd have to be the star of the show."

"I can't."

"At least let me hear it?" I was begging now.

"Fine, yes, okay." He lit a cigarette and puffed hard on it.

"Thank you." I smiled, I'd at least won the battle.

We picked up Philip and got him settled into bed. Alex grumbled over his sheet music out on the fire escape and chain smoked, cup of heated up coffee in hand. _I'm sure your kidneys thank you._ He hadn't even felt well enough to smoke for a few days so I let him off easy.

I stepped outside, "I'm starting to think you're trying to wait me out. I still want to hear it, you know."

"I'm not… I'm just not sure it's good enough yet. I don't want you to hear it if it isn't good enough."

"Everything I've heard so far has been incredible." I soothed.

"Fine." He stubbed his cigarette and sighed in defeat.

 _John Laurens: 2. Alexander's pride: 0._ It was a successful night.

Alex wedged a blanket under Philip's door to muffle the sound on the way to our bedroom.

"I need you to read with me." He instructed, getting set up.

"Are you sure?"

"Oh, come on, love, you've bullied me into doing this, at least help me. If I don't get to be bashful, you don't either."

"Hey! This isn't about me." I swatted him on the ass and grabbed a second chair from the kitchen.

Once we were both seated, Alex cracked his fingers, "alright, here goes."

He started playing, familiar notes, _West Side Story… America,_ "lights up on Washington Heights, up at the break of day. I wake up and I've got this little punk I gotta chase away."

As he played I found the parts to trickle in on. It was our lives, beautifully intertwined with his fiction, it was perfect. His voice cracked reaching above his register and he laughed it off. We sat at the keyboard for an hour, the key illuminating in red when he struck them.

"So…," he started, lighting a cigarette, "that's act one."

"It's… holy fucking shit, Alex, it's so fucking good. It's so so fucking good. Holy fucking shit."

He blushed, "it is pretty good."

"Your song about you. Everyone's there, the salon, the taxis, the Solario's, everyone. You didn't change Sonny's name though."

"Philip leaked on me and told him he made the cut. He threatened to hike up the middle man price on my kid's piraguas if I did."

I laughed, sounded about right, "who's Benny? Is it Lafayette?"

"Laf, but like, Laf in college."

"Why 'Benny'?"

"From when we did Rent together."

"Gotcha. The… the useless song, who's that about?"

"Well, I mean it really is the Solario story… but I guess… I guess the fears are all mine."

"Play me the second half?"

"Alright, first, coffee."

Alex retreated to the kitchen and came back with a cold cup, not wanting to beep the microwave and risk waking Philip who'd to this point, slept through our singing and playing.

He played the opening notes to my song, and I sang along without the sheet music, it was so beautiful. I was so in awe. I was so in love.

Alex got to the end of the finale and I swept his hair back to kiss his neck, feeling his pulse race beneath the thin, warm skin there.

"'Lex, this is beautiful. This is theatre. This is splendid." I couldn't think of any other adjectives.

"Thanks. It just feels good to have it over with." Alex stretched.

"I'm so proud of you for finishing it."

He stood up and pulled his jeans off, tossing them to the corner, his hoodie was next to be tossed. I followed suit down to my boxers and stretched my arms up over my head, enjoying the pop in my back after sitting for so long. I was tired after such a long day, but it was an accomplished tired.

"Jeez. I always forget you just have casual abs." Alex bit his lip and looked at me.

"I mean, yeah?" I shrugged.

Alex took his shirt off and looked at his softer body, "repping dad bod hardcore."

I rolled my eyes and got into bed first, the sheets were cool against my skin, "gimme all that dad bod. Come here."

He slid into bed next to me and I held him in my arms, he smelled like himself, no longer sickly, he smelled like home.

"On your belly," I instructed him softly.

He rolled over and looked to the side at me. I straddled his waist and pumped some lotion into my hands before starting to rub his tight shoulders.

"Thanks, Jack," he sighed heavily.

'Darlin', I really do love your musical. I really think you should do something with it. I'm honoured to be your audience, but I'm disappointed to be your only audience."

"Well, that's just the way it is," his voice was distorted against the mattress.

"But, why? You've got so much talent. So much."

He leaned up onto his elbows, "you really want to know why?"

I stopped rubbing his back, "yeah."

"I don't want my dad to find me. Like, I was kind of thinking about it, you know, that I'd do something with it. I was almost finished, but then he found me again, found me, living my simple, quiet life, found me, not advertising myself, so how much worse would it get if I put this thing out there?"

I slid off his back and sat beside him, "Alex, that's not like you. I know that I tend to be more… bold, than you, but, Alex, you can't keep being afraid of him. He can't hurt you. He can't hurt Philip. None of that will happen."

"Before I had Philip, I didn't care, I was bold, and was fearless, and I didn't give a shit about what anyone thought of me. Hell, that's how I ended up with a baby, but, Philip, he changed that. He changed me. I have to think of him first. I have to think about what's best for him. He is the priority. Always."

Tears glossed his eyes and I thumbed them away, "what about me?"

"What do you mean?" He sniffed.

"You were so afraid of what would happen if your world with me and your world with Philip collided. Look what happened. You took the leap and now we have this beautiful family and Pip is, I mean, God, he's my baby, I love you both so much. You were brave and good things happened. Not everything is bad. You can open up and let in so much good."

"It's not always like that. There was Thomas."

"No, fuck that. Fuck Thomas."

Tears rolled down his cheeks faster than I could catch them, so I just scooped him entirely into my arms and cradled him against me.

"I know that shouldn't be the metric for everything, but it is. That was a horrible mistake for me and my… our- our boy. I can't jeopardize things."

"You're not going to. I'll keep you safe. Both of you. I mean, it sounds like he's probably going to end up back in jail sooner or later and these things take time."

He nodded, "you really think it's worth it?"

"I really do."

He let out a warm breath that hit my face, "I'll talk to Laf."

"I'm proud of you. I'm with you every step of the way."


	18. Chapter 18

**I know I've kind of become the worst about writing and updating so thank you to anyone who's hung around. Y'all are the truth and I am so so grateful for you. I live for reviews and really love hearing your feedback. Enjoy!**

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Philip was asleep beside me, his warm little body curled into my side. I scrolled through the arts section of tumblr, trying to get new ideas. In the living room I could hear the lock sliding free and the door opening, _he was right on schedule._ There was the heavy drop of Alex's satchel, one shoe, two shoes kicked off, the fridge opening, shutting again, creaky cabinet next to the sink opening, ceramic sliding across cheap particle board, coffee pouring, "ugh, fuck it, might as well," metallic gong of the washer opening, clothing tossed in, cranking to the right setting, gentle thrumming as the spin cycle began, a laundry basket dropping on the floor, clothing whooshing out of the drying and snapping as it was folded, quietly, "alabanza, alabanza Doña Claudia, señor, alabanza, alabanza," a yawn, the mug being set on the counter again, snap of clothing, "dammit, Philip, we've talked about the stickers, fuck. Okay, needs new polos," more snapping and folding, "you're kidding me, son, really? Ugh," the laundry basket being slid into the living room, sock feet shuffling down the hall, "coffee, right, kitchen," sock feet shuffling away, then back again.

I smirked at the sounds of unfiltered Alex, likely sure that Philip and I were both asleep. He was in his own world, still being super dad, taking care of everything to keep his world spinning. Finally, he crossed the threshold into our bedroom, and jumped, a splash of coffee hitting the floor. He really hadn't thought I was still awake.

"Hi, sugar." I whispered.

"Hi, thought you were asleep." He stepped in the spilled coffee, mopping it up with his sock before taking them off and tossing them into the overflowing hamper in the corner.

"Did you really?" I chuckled quietly at him.

"Sure did, whatcha gonna do about it?"

"Absolutely nothing. Want me to put this one to bed?" I gestured to Philip.

Alex changed into some stretch pants and curled onto the other side of his boy, "nah, let him sleep with us tonight. Feels like the only time I get with him."

Philip stretched against me and then rolled into Alex's arms and mumbled, "my daddy."

"Hi baby, daddy loves you." Alex whispered into Philip's hair.

"How was your day?" I asked, tucking my arm under his head.

"Really good show tonight. Everything was perfect."

"Oh, that's awesome! We had a pretty quiet night."

"Glad to hear it. I talked to Laf."

"Yeah?" I stroked his cheek, soaking him in.

"He thinks he can find funding for us to start workshopping." Alex said it almost heavily.

"I think that's great news." I smiled at him.

"I know. I'm sure it is. It just makes me nervous."

"It's okay to be nervous, darlin', it's what you do in spite of the fear that matters."

"I don't know how you always calm my ass down." He smirked at me.

"Honestly, I'm hurt, your ass is the last thing I want to calm down." I grinned at him.

Alex rolled his eyes, "wow, you really went there."

"Oh, yeah, I did."

He snorted at me and shut his eyes, happy to be able to relax.

I loved these nights. The three of us together, warm and safe, and loved. The complete little family, together where we belonged.

"I talked to Laf, too." I broke the silence.

"About what?" Alex's eyes snapped open.

"I think we should get married at the theatre."

He smiled at me, "that's the perfect idea."

"Just, you know, keep it low key. Just us, the people who matter, that's it."

"Perfect, babe." He yawned and was quickly asleep.

In the morning I decided to join him at work and we dropped Philip off at the salon with Gabriela. It was a saturday, two show day, but the ladies at the salon always enjoyed Philip's company. Alex liked knowing that the little old ladies would come for their perms, it gave Philip the company of an abuela that he so deserved. We stopped for breakfast on the way into work.

"I love you." Alex told me while we waited for our eggs.

"I love you, too." I looked at him confused.

"I just wanted to tell you. I'm so lucky." He shook his head and looked down into his cup of coffee.

I kissed his fingers, "I'm the lucky one."

We ate our meal and talked about a smattering of topics that we didn't usually have the time or late night brain power to discuss, politics, gender construct, scientific theories. I loved just spending time with him and talking to him, he was brilliant. I never forgot how brilliant he was, but I loved every opportunity there was to be reminded.

After breakfast, we made our way to the theatre and got ready for the early show. I didn't see him again until afterwards, it was going on five and the winter sun was already down, leaving the world blustery and cold when we went outside for a cigarette break. Alex leaned against me for warmth and I stole drags off his smoke, one of my favourite of our longstanding rituals. Once we were back inside we found Laf and he filled us in on the funding streams that he was looking into for Alex's musical.

Alex's ears perked before mine had a chance to, we heard Philip's voice, and someone else unfamiliar with him. Alex followed the sound and I followed him, his eyes were narrow, wondering what stranger his child was with and why. We found Philip, looking nervous next to… Graffiti Pete? I felt Alex tense beside me.

"Hi, daddy!" Philip ran to Alex and hugged his legs.

Alex picked him up and cradled him to his chest, eyes narrowing at the young man.

"Um, hi, Alex. I'm Pete, uh, I'm um, with… Sonny." _It was Pete, I knew I was right._

"What's going on?" Alex asked cooly, he could be scary when he got calculated.

Pete rubbed the back of his neck, "um, so, Philip was at the salon, but they got, um, robbed, and Sonny, Sonny was there, just talking to the people and so he, um, he had to stay until the police came to give his, like, statement or whatever, and so he didn't think it was good for Philip to stay because there was like, all this broken glass and stuff, so he asked me to bring him here. I'm sorry, I know you don't know me."

Alex relaxed, "thank you. Is everyone okay? Was anybody hurt?"

"No, no, everyone is fine. They got a lot of money, though."

"Shit, thanks again," he reached into his pocket for his wallet and grabbed a twenty out and offered it to Pete.

"Nah, man, it's cool. I just didn't want little dude around all of that, he was already shook up. I mean, we kind of all are, but Sonny just wanted him to get back to you, 'cause like, he should be with his pops if he's scared."

"Thank you so much, Pete."

"It's no problem, man. Good looks." He waved to us and fist bumped Philip before turning to leave.

Alex set Philip on the floor and we crouched in front of him.

He swept his curls back, "are you okay, Pip?"

Philip nodded and chewed on his thumbnail, Alex pulled his hand away from his mouth and inspected him, "are you sure?"

Philip nodded again his eyes wide and vacant. I saw Laf in the corner of my eye and he mouthed to ask if we were alright. I nodded.

"Papi?" Philip looked at me, his eyes getting glossy.

"What, baby?"

He held his arms out for me and I held him to me. He started to cry into my shoulder, "I was really scared, papi!"

"Shh, baby, I bet you were scared, that sounds really scary." I rocked him and glanced over at Alex, looking dejected.

"There were some bad people."

"I know, baby, but it's okay. Daddy's gonna keep you safe always, and I'm gonna keep you safe, too."

"I know." He sniffled.

Alex frowned at Philip and looked away, I couldn't help but notice the tears welling in his eyes, too. We were in for a long couple days. I just rocked Philip. There was nothing else to do.

"I thought maybe that I was gonna die. Like, you know, how my abuela died?"

That was too much, Alex got up, pack of cigarettes already in hand and hurried to the stage door, pulling up his hood and exposing his badge as he did.

"No, that's not gonna happen, baby. You're going to live for a long long time."

"Probably, but I was really scared," he pushed away from my chest and looked around, "where'd daddy go?"

"Just needed some fresh air, I think." I tried to be soothing, this was not a chapter in the step-parent how-to book.

"To smoke a cigarette." Philip grumbled.

"Probably, hey, do you want to come up to my booth and colour?"

"Okay," he nodded.

Lafayette witnessed Alex's leaving in a dejected huff and stepped in, "a light booth, that's so boring, right? The fun stuff happens under the stage where the musicians are."

"I'm not supposed to go down there." Philip told him.

Lafayette crouched next to us and twirled Philip's tear stained hair out of his face, "no, not alone, but, guess what? I'm everyone's boss, so I get to say who gets to go down there."

"But my daddy says Mr. Washington is everyone's boss."

Lafayette chuckled, "your daddy is right, however, I am basically his right hand man, he trusts me enough to put on the show every night, no?"

"I… I guess so. Can I go, papi?"

I nodded slowly, making eye contact with Lafayette, _go get your man._ I nodded to Lafayette, inferring his meaning. Philip hugged me and then took Lafayette's hand. I stood back up and went toward the stage door. I didn't see Alex outside, until I heard his sniffle and looked down. A ball of all black, holding a half burned out cigarette, shoulders shaking. I slid down the wall beside him and wrapped my arms around him.

"I'm here, sugar, it's alright."

He took a wracking breath and looked up at me, eyes red, stubbly cheeks tracked with tears.

"All his- his life, I've kept-kept him safe and I couldn't-protect hi-im. He didn't even want me. I let-I let him down."

"Alex, darlin', no, that's not what that was."

"He didn't want me to comfort him, he went to you instead, he knows I let him down."

"Darlin', you didn't let him down, you do everything, everyday, in your power to protect him, to provide for him. Something bad happened, but it isn't your fault. He came to me _because_ of what you are to each other. He knows how hard you work, how hard you try to be perfect for him, he didn't go to you because he didn't want to disappoint you."

"I wouldn't be disappointed, of course he was afraid, because I let him down."

I wanted to shake him and make him understand, "no, no you didn't. He doesn't want to be weak with you because he doesn't want to make you feel like you aren't doing enough."

"He told you that?"

"I know things." I smiled at him and tightened his falling ponytail.

"How do you know everything?"

"Far from it. It was kind of like that in my house growing up, though."

Alex finally flicked the ash off the cigarette and took a drag, trying to understand.

"It really freaked me out to think that I could not know who my kid is with."

"Yeah, I get that, but it should also be a really defining moment of community."

"How do you figure?"

"Pete's on our side, he's in our arsenal."

"I don't really want Philip hanging out with him. He's still a graffiti… artist or something like that. Vandal's more like it."

I tutted at him, "so you've never once been a repressed gay… or bi, kid growing up around people who don't approve or understand, trying to be something you're not and make art where you shouldn't?"

He shot a sidelong glance at me, "what are you getting at?"

"Right before I left home, I got cans upon cans and tubes and pots of paint and I painted these giant fucking murals across every wall of my room. Graphic, raunchy, gay porn shit, just all over the walls and then I slipped out under the cover of darkness and got in my beat up car and drove up here. I did it because I knew it would make my dad see me. He would have to see the gayness, he couldn't turn his back on who I was any longer, he would have to come to grips with it. I knew he'd paint over it all, but _he_ would paint over it all. He wouldn't want my siblings to see such horrible stuff, and he certainly wouldn't hire someone to come and see the homosexual murals painted elegantly in the Laurens home, no, he would spend hours staring at men in ecstacy with one another, dicks the size of your arm, and he would have to admit to himself that he wanted to cover it up, and that would mean he'd have to on some level admit to himself that he wanted to cover me up. You never did shit like that?"

He took my hand, I'd never talked too much about my leaving home, "I think I was just too busy having a kid."

"You still went into theatre, you took a gamble on your art. I've seen the pictures, you double fisting coffee during late night rehearsals with tiny baby Pip strapped to your chest. Your art is your defiance. So maybe neither of our defiant arts were illegal, good for us, but Pete… Sonny? They are us."

"I guess you're right."

"I usually am." I smirked.

"And so humble." He wiped his face.

"Should we go back inside? It's pretty cold out here."

"Okay, where did Laf take our kid?"

"Down in the pit."

"Oh for fuck's sake, I'm never gonna get him out of there. Come on, let's go."

I kissed his cheek and wiped his cheek again and we went inside, to the stage and then underneath it. Philip was staring up at the violinist who was showing him simple notes. He was enamored. She laughed and played the first few bars of the show and Philip squealed in delight. Lafayette was going over notes with the conductor in the corner.

"Hey, boo." Alex ruffled his son's hair.

"Daddy, look at this!" His voice was dreamy, I couldn't tell if he was in love with the instrument or the woman playing it.

"Aren't violins beautiful?" Alex smiled at our son, and then turned to the violinist, "thank you for indulging him."

"No problem, sounds like he had a long day." Her voice was as kind as her eyes, giving her a calming presence..

"Sorry, I should really know this, but I'm Alexander, what's your name?"

"Elizabeth, nice to officially meet you."

"This is my fiance, John." He put his arm on my hip.

"Yeah, babe, I know Eliza." I giggled at him and gave her a little wave.

Alex's cheeks flamed red, "sorry, I should probably make it a bigger point to come down here more, but, I'm the worst."

"It's fine, don't worry about it. Seems like you've got enough keeping you busy with this one. Does he take music lessons?" She smiled down at Philip.

"No, I've taught him a little bit of piano, but that's it. I should, though."

"I want to play violin like Miss Eliza, daddy!" Philip squealed.

"Okay, okay, we'll see."

"Lafayette told me about your project, sounds really interesting. Let me know when you start trying to assemble musicians."

I glanced over at Lafayette who shrugged, a knowing smile on his face.

"Oh, it's a super low key thing, I don't really think that I'm going to-" he was cut off by Philip who started singing.

"Tell me something I don't know! No me diga! Some news 'bout the barrio! Tell me something I don't know!"

"That's from the show." I told Eliza.

"Sounds like you've found your talent." She smirked at Pip.

"Well, we'll see. Thank you, though." Alex sounded like he wanted to talk about anything else.

"Anytime." She smiled.

"I'm gonna go draw in papi's booth now, bye, Miss Eliza." Philip waved to her and bounded up the steps, dancing his way off stage.

"We'll let you get back to tuning." Alex put his arm back around my waist and led us up the steps.

Lafayette winked at me and I gave him a thumbs up.

"Laf's really blown this out of proportion," Alex grumbled.

"I think it's been blown to precisely the right proportion." I countered.

We were illuminated in a spotlight and then pink and orange lights swirled around us. My glance shot up to the booth. I couldn't see it through the lights, but I'd make Philip think I could. I pointed directly at where I knew the booth was and shook my head, stern face. The lights immediately went cold and I could see Philip pouting.

"Your dad face is getting much more convincing." Alex told me.

"I'm sure trying." I laughed.

"I'll see you after the show, okay?" He kissed me.

"Okay. Will you at least think more about doing the show?"

"I was pretty much on board, but after today, I can't imagine being away from Philip any more than I am."

"We'll figure that part out." I promised.


	19. Chapter 19

In the weeks after the break in at the salon Alex barely let Philip leave his side. The three of us were at the theatre again during another show. We ate dinner out of takeout boxes together before the show in my old room. At intermission, Alex rushed up to my booth just to cuddle Philip for a few blessed moments.

Philip was still awake somehow, which was very unusual for our show nights since he usually fell asleep right at the beginning of Act II. Alex found us after the show and told me that he was going out for a smoke and then he'd come collect us to go home. I shut down the lights, making note to patch one of them in the morning, annoyed by the dim that had started in tonight's show.

Even though Pip didn't seem particularly bothered I realized that Alex had been outside for a long time, too long for a cigarette and decided to bundle Philip and myself up and go get him outside.

"Put your shoes on, turtle." I instructed.

Philip yawned widely and stuffed his feet in his shoes. We made the descent from my box and said goodbyes to the actors and crew backstage, Philip getting one last hug from Lafayette as he wrapped up notes for the actors for tomorrow's show. He looked worn out too, we were almost through the week, so close to that sacred day off. The stage door was heavy, but even heavier was the mood outside.

I'm sure subconsciously I knew what was happening, but my mind couldn't make it make sense. Alex was yelling, more hissing through his teeth, a swirl of smoke enshrouding him as he gesticulated wildly with cigarette in hand. Leaned against the brick wall of the theatre was a man, darker complexion than Alex, and probably a little bit taller than him, but it was hard to tell with how heavily he rested on the building, a half-empty forty in his hand. Philip hid behind my leg without me taking much notice, I should have taken him back inside, but I was too shocked by the scene.

"You can't fucking be here!" Alex hissed with snakelike intonation.

"This… public property, hijo… can do whatever I want. See my son."

"I'm not your son." Alex was poised, not helping him be seen as less serpentine.

Both men noticed us at the same time, Alex looked like him the way that Philip looked like Alex.

"Is that… my little grandson? Come here, mi hijo." The man who had to have been Alex's father leaned forward toward Philip still cowering behind me.

"Don't speak to him." Alex leaned between his father and his son.

"Come here, chiquito, come to your abuelo."

Philip threaded his arms around my thigh and instinctively I braced a hand on his shoulder, ready to protect… my son. He didn't need my protecting though, as he spoke in a brave, clear voice.

"I don't have an abuelo. I don't know who you are."

The older man looked stung, dejected, and turned back to Alex, "he doesn't even know who I am?"

"No, because you're nobody, a flea has greater bearing in this world, more purpose than you, a leech, a vile and repugnant, reprehensible drain on everything you touch." Alex lanced the wounded man with the sharpness of his tongue.

I was too focused on Alex's diatribe to acknowledge the slam of the stage door behind us.

"You turned out alright."

"Everything that Alexander has become is in spite of you. Now, I believe it is in your best interest that you get off of my property and take your debauchery somewhere more suited and leave this family alone." Lafayette's cool, thickly accented voice was behind us.

Philip let go of my thigh and ran into Lafayette's arms, clambering to put more distance between himself and this man.

"Fuck are you?" Alex's father spat.

"I don't believe that you are in a position to be the one demanding identities, however, I am the director of this theatre, but more importantly, I am someone who is very good at calling the police, and you are someone who is… violating their parole, no?"

This took even more of the wind out of the man's sails.

Alex wasn't satisfied by knocking wind out of sails, he wanted to sink the whole battleship, "I swear to God, you come back here again, you try to talk to my fucking kid again, you talk to my man, my friends, anyone on this godforsaken rock that I love… I'll… I'll…" he took a deep breath and remembered himself, "find out who your parole officer is and do everything in my power to make sure you rot in a jail cell. Do I make myself plain?"

Alex's father started to weep and stumbled back against the building and I noticed Alex crying, too.

Lafayette whispered, "it is cold, I am taking the Pip inside," and then they were gone.

"I just want my son." Alex's father cried.

"You should have thought of that." Alex sniped.

"'Lex," I muttered, the old man gaining my sympathies, he was frail… an addict, he was sobbing for his son, something my own father would never even think to do.

"John, don't." Alex wiped his eyes and lit another cigarette, smoking nearly half of it in one drag.

"'Lex, there's a shelter not too far."

"What, we should take him?" A cloud of smoke escaped his mouth along with his words.

"I mean, we could, I just… it's cold."

"Fuck that, I'm taking my kid home, it's late." He tossed the butt of his cigarette in the direction of his father who now sat fully on the ground and wept in hiccupping bursts, and as he passed the man he spat on the ground beside him.

Not knowing what to do, but swearing my allegiance to him, I followed Alex back in to the theatre. Philip and Lafayette sat on the couch in the green room, Hercules - our costumer, and after too many months of Lafayette's Megara scale _I won't say I'm in love_ pining, finally his boyfriend as well - sat across from them with pursed lips.

Philip bounded into Alex's arms and wiped his dad's face free of tears and then scratched his stubbly cheeks, "daddy, can we go home? Is the scary man outside still? Is he really my abuelo? I've never had an abuelo. How come you didn't tell me I had one?"

"You don't. We're going home." He squeezed his boy tightly to him and sniffed his hair.

I followed Alex out of the front door of the theatre, he was still carrying Philip, on high alert. The wait for the subway felt like eons.

"Daddy, was that really your dad?" Philip asked while we waited for the train.

I watched Alex's jaw muscles flex, "yes."

"But he's a bad guy?"

"He's not someone good to be around."

"'Cause he isn't safe?"

"Right. He isn't safe."

"'Cause did he hurt you?"

"Don't worry about it, Pip. But if you see him ever again don't talk to him and tell me."

"Okay. I wish I got to have an abuelo for real."

"I wish you did, too."

The train arrived and I took Alex's backpack so that he could sit down. We were all able to sit together in the mostly empty car. Alex's jaw muscles continued their fervent motion, it was visible how actively he was working to keep it together. The ride home was silent, Philip stayed curled against Alex's chest and started to doze off in the swaying motion of the train while Alex kept his eyes fixed on the window. I could look only at him, watching the lines on his face crease as he tried to cope.

The stairs up to our apartment felt like the Alps, Alex set Philip down to walk by himself, we were all too exhausted by the events of the night. Once inside our unit Alex put Philip to bed and I listened from our room as he sang to him and told him stories that he made up in that very moment, just trying to get Philip relaxed enough to sleep.

"I'm gonna… take a shower." Alex poked his head into our room and I nodded.

The pipes groaned in the other room as the spray from the showerhead started. This was a good cue to make a fresh pot of coffee. The interaction with Alex and his father played over in my mind. I realized just how much I didn't actually know about what had transpired with them. Alex never really talked about it, just how his mom died and his dad abandoned him. With a fresh cup of coffee in hand, I went back to our room, but as I passed the steaming bathroom door I heard his cries. Coffee splashed over the side of the mug when I set it on his bedside table.

"Alex?" I tapped softly on the door.

He didn't answer, just continuing to sob softly. I opened the door and found him, still clothed, knees tucked to his chest, weeping.

"Oh, sugar, come here." I crouched to envelop him in my arms.

He reached out to me, clutching my shirt and pulling me even closer to him. I smoothed back his hair and swayed us back and forth. From down here I realized how much I needed to sweep. Amazingly the floor of the room where three longhaired people brush their hair was covered with stray hairs.

"I fucking hate him." Alex whispered between sobs.

"I know. I know."

"It's like things are good and then he shows up and derails everything."

"It doesn't have to derail, Alex. I'm here, nothing's changed with that."

"He wasn't supposed to meet him. Goddammit, he wasn't."

"Don't beat yourself up over that," I reached out to turn off the unused shower.

Alex stopped my hand, "no, don't, I don't want Philip to hear me."

"Darlin', come on, let's go to our room, Philip's out, there's no sense crying on the hard, dirty bathroom floor, when you could go cry in our nice, warm bed. Come on, I'll even let you cry with no pants on, yeah?"

His lips twitched a smile, "fine," he turned off the shower and followed me to our room.

He stripped down to his t-shirt and boxers and I followed suit, pulling the blankets back for him.

"I made you a fresh cup of coffee, baby." I pointed to his bedside table.

This just made him start another wave of crying, but he picked the mug up and sipped it before setting it back down to hug me and lie in my arms.

"I love you so much, thank you for being the good."

I wiped his tears and twisted his hair back away from his face, leaning on my elbow to look down at him, "I love you, too, darlin', I'm sorry you're having a hard time."

"I just… every time I see him, I'm like, okay, that's it, I'm never going to have to see him again, but the fucker always finds me. This time my kid was there."

"I'm sorry I brought him outside." I felt guilty.

"You couldn't have known. He just fucking showed up, tracked me down some-fucking-how. He's still got people in the barrio rooting for him, nobody here wants to see anybody fail."

"I know, I'm just sorry that it meant you got hurt."

He pawed at his face and sniffled, trying to compose himself, "could have been worse… has been worse."

"Can you get a restraining order?"

"I don't have the money for that shit, so I just hope for the best. If he showed up tonight like that it won't be long before he's back where he belongs."

Alex sat up and sipped his coffee.

"We're not sleeping tonight, are we?" I asked him.

"Go to sleep, sweetheart. I'm fine."

I sat up in the bed and stretched, "sorry, stunner, you don't get to suffer alone, that's the John Laurens fiance guarantee."

Alex smiled and turned around to kiss me, deep and hard, distracting himself, soothing himself. I held him, tucking my fingers into the hair at the nape of his neck, my other arm pulling him tightly to me. He let out a small sound which could have been a moan, but that I recognized as a sigh of relief at being held.

When he finally pulled away I cupped his cheek and grinned at him, slightly breathless.

"You feel better now?"

Even in the darkness I could see him blush, "you always make me feel better."

"That's my job, sugar, and if I get to be your husband, then I'd better be damned good at it."

"You already are,"

I patted his shoulder, "now, come on, let's go write some songs."

"I feel too restless to write anything good."

"Hmm…" I pondered, "anything need touched up for your show?"

He stared down into his mug, "I… I really don't think that I can… I mean, I'm just the stage manager for this show and my father still found me. And, I mean and the robbery at the salon, I'm away from Philip way too much as it is. If I started workshopping my own show that would be even more attention, and heaven forbid it got on Broadway, that would be way more attention than any of us need. I can't do that to my family."

"You aren't doing anything to us, sugar. There's stories in this neighbourhood that need to be told, who better to tell them than you."

"Who am I to tell those stories? I mean… I'm sure that half of these people… Sonny excluded don't even want their stories out there."

"So you change the names, it's not like it's plainly a biography."

"It still just doesn't feel right, John. I mean, I've tempted fate so many times, I've gotten past where I was ever supposed to get. I don't want to push it, I mean, jeez, I probably shouldn't even be alive, probably shouldn't have such a smart and amazing little boy, sure as hell shouldn't have you."

"Well… maybe we don't get to decide that. Maybe that part of religion is right and things are set in our path."

"What do you mean?"

"Maybe there really is a master plan and it's all written in the stars who lives, who dies, who tells the story. They say history goes to the winner, babe, right now the people in this community, none of us are the winners. You said it yourself, people are getting gentrified out of their homes, the crime rate obviously is going up, you get to claim the story for real if you tell it, not just the pristine version that people like the president would want to have it told. This is your chance, darlin',"

"I don't know, John."

I grinned at him, "I don't either, isn't that the fun part?"

"Oof, you daredevil, I just want to buckle my seatbelt and hide. This is too much. It scares me."

"Good. Hasn't having Philip scared you?"

"Of course, he's the scariest thing in my whole life."

"And I know you were scared to be with me,"

"Well… yeah."

"Fear just means it's important."

"But… I've… never been the type to try and grab the spotlight. I like the shadows, I like hiding and blending in."

"But Alex, you were never meant for that. You were meant for so much more. There's a whole world just on the other side of your comfort zone. Trust me, I know."

"But you're not afraid like I am."

"Please, I'm a charade of fear. Fear guides my hand constantly. I've told you this."

"I know, I know, you embraced it and it fuels your badassery because you're Batman."

I chuckled at him, "I'm just saying, think about it. I'm not gonna push you, certainly not tonight, but just think about it, Alex. Think about the chance to tell your abuela's story, think about the chance to tell Sonny and Pete's story."

"I will. I know you're right… I hate when you're right."

"Now, play me some music, I've been watching your fingers twitch this whole time, what's trapped in your mind?"

"I'm not sure... " he went over to his desk and turned the keyboard to the lowest volume.

He played four chords and then shook his head, humming a tune to himself, after a few more tries he recreated it on the keyboard and startled to mumble to himself, "...I wrote my way out, wrote everything down far as I could see… I looked up and they all had their eyes on me…"

Watching Alex write songs was a beautiful process to witness. He scribbled notes in pencil on his blank sheet music and changed the words a little bit each time. The sun was about to come up and he finally slumped, the fight out of him.

"Want to try and get some sleep?" He leaned on my shoulder.

"We've got about an hour or two, just like our old naps?"

"Yeah, but not on the worst futon ever. How do you not have scoliosis?"

"Force of will?"

"I guess so, damn."

We curled up under the blankets and he finally slept.


	20. Chapter 20

**Hey guys... remember me. First of all, my bad. I got a little caught up between studying abroad over the summer and then moving to a new continent. Sorry about that one. I'm going to try and get more regular with my updates again. Thanks for sticking around.**

* * *

I faded the ERS just a touch, it was too garish on our actor, washing him out. Philip smacked his lips and turned his head to press it into the hollow of my other collarbone, roused by my reach forward to the lightboard. He was so warm, straddling my lap, arms around my neck, puddle of drool dampening my t-shirt. Alex was situated down in the wing with his headset on prepping actors and scenery to hit their cues, making sure that everything was perfect. His attention to detail was one of the things I loved most about him. I snapped a selfie of Philip passed out on me and sent it to Alex, watched him glance at his phone, briefly illuminated by the screen. His face bloomed into a grin and he pocketed his phone, retrieved his penlight and flickered out our code on the floor. Three quick flashes of the light, I-Love-You.

As the show went on, I caught myself swaying side to side rhythmically, in time with Philip's breathing, pressing little kisses on the top of his head, his messy bun tickling my nose. After the show - and a cigarette - Alex came up to my booth, satchel already slung over his shoulder and pouted an endearing face to me.

"All of act two." I whispered.

"Been a while since he slept that long in a show." Alex whispered back with a frown and crossed the tiny booth to feel Philip's forehead, deepening his frown.

"Yeah, I know, he said he had a long day at school."

Alex rolled his eyes and grinned at our precocious boy.

"For all of us," Alex yawned in agreement.

Alex took Philip so that I could put my coat on, and gather my things into my backpack.

"Want me to take him back?" I offered, trying to give Alex's tired body some respite.

"Nah, you've done enough." He kissed Philip's hair.

We made our way out of the theatre, Philip garnering attention from the actors as they bundled themselves in their warm street clothes. I held the door for Alex and watched him cringe as Philip's foot smacked into the doorjamb. Philip turned his head, Alex quick to soothe him back to sleep.

The motion of the subway was lulling to us all, Alex leaned into me with his eyes closed and I watched over them both. Alex was snoring softly into my chest by the time we arrived at our stop.

"Darlin', wake up." I kissed Alex's temple and his eyes shot open.

"Sorry, didn't even realize I fell asleep."

"I gotcha, always."

He passed Philip back to me and we started the trek from the station to our apartment, Alex lighting a cigarette once we hit ground level. Philip rubbed his face against my collarbone and sniffed me, becoming aware of the switch we'd made, "want daddy."

Alex and I made eye contact and he took a long pull off the cigarette, blew smoke out of the corner of his mouth around it and let me hand our son to him. I plucked the cigarette from his lips and took a drag for myself as he adjusted to carry the boy more comfortably. After a final pull, I flicked the cigarette to the curb and held the door to our apartment open for Alex who was more cautious with Philip's feet this time around.

Alex put Philip to bed while I brushed my teeth, he went down quickly and Alex joined me in the bathroom. He piped toothpaste on his brush, stuck it in his mouth and stood over the toilet, unzipped his jeans and took a piss, brushing his teeth with his free hand. I shook my head at his multitasking.

"You're a lot, you know that?" I chuckled, spitting in the sink and rinsing my brush.

Alex shrugged, flushed the toilet, and washed his hands before finishing brushing his teeth. He wiped toothpaste foam out of his goatee while I let my hair down and rubbed my sore scalp. We traded places in the mirror and I examined a spot on my chin, wondering if I'd be sixty and still have acne.

"Let's go to bed, sweetheart." Alex leaned against my back.

I rubbed a hand over my face and spun to face him, leaning back against the counter, I held him to me, "do you know how much I love you?"

He nodded happily and looked up at me with an equally tired and cheesy grin.

"You know how much I love your kid?"

"Our kid." He corrected.

"Our kid," I agreed, kissing the spot on his finger where his ring sat.

"Love you too, Jack."

"Come on, let's go to bed." I kissed his hand again, savouring the moment.

Once we got in bed he curled up next to me, "I'll do the show," silence hung between us, "if we can really find space, time, and funding… I'll do the show."

My face was split by my grin, "I've been waiting for you to say that. We'll figure it out. I'll help you."

"I know you will. I don't know, maybe I should just sell the rights."

"Alex, darlin', no, do the show. Philip will think it's so cool. He eats up our theatre nights as it is, do you know how much cooler he'll think it is when they're performing the songs you wrote, that he watched you write?"

"I know… it's just like holy shit big, you know?"

"I know. I'm proud of you, we've got this."

"I want to get married first, though."

"Okay, whenever, we can get the papers done whenever you want."

"I just want to be able to thank _my husband_ in the program."

My cheeks flamed, "I love you so much, Alex."

"Love you forever."

We fell asleep not long after that and I didn't stir until morning when Alex's alarm woke us. He blinked and wiped his face.

"You know… I wish, just once, I could sneak out of bed, leave you sleeping, and then come wake you up with coffee." I teased him.

"That's sweet, but it's never gonna happen."

"I don't know how you wake up so easily."

He stroked my side, "you've never had a baby."

"Is it that bad?"

"Worse." He nodded, "you're lucky you showed up when you did."

"I'd go back in time if I could. Wouldn't have missed a thing."

"I wish you'd been there." He confessed.

"I wish I could have helped you. I mean, I was still getting my shit together… but I guess you don't need to have your shit together to change a diaper."

"I'm living proof that that's true. God, he was a fucking cute baby."

"I know… I've seen the pictures."

"Pictures are nothing on the real thing… and he smelled so good. He was such a cuddly little guy." Alex smiled dopily and the memories.

"Stop it, you're giving me baby fever." I giggled.

"Maybe someday,"

"Nah… we got a good thing going, the three of us, plus, we've got a baby."

"Oh?" He cocked an eyebrow.

"Your show, Alex. Your show. It's our baby… and I'm here to help this time. I'm here to change the diapers this time."

"Couldn't do it without you. Guess I better talk to Laf."

"What was it like getting this show going?"

"I don't know, it was pretty straightforward… really easy, actually, everything just fell into place. It was especially easy because we ended up at this theatre where Laf knew the Master Electrician... he's this super sexy guy, big, soft eyes, covered in a million freckles, tall, smells good, funny. Kind of a daredevil, though."

"Oh, yeah?" I played coy, leaning up onto my elbow.

"Yeah," Alex bit his lip and looked up at me from the pillows.

"Maybe I should go beat this guy up, huh? Trying to steal my guy."

"Ooh, your toxic masculinity is so hot." Alex mocked.

I dipped into my southern drawl, "figure, me'n a couple the boys go find this sumbitch, rough 'im up a little bit, yeah?"

Alex giggled into my chest, "stop it, you big dork."

I cupped his cheek with my hand and looked into his eyes, losing the accent before I spoke, "want to make Philip late for school?"

He nodded and reached under the blankets to rid himself of his sweatpants and we did just that. Philip complained on the way to school we forgot to wake him up on time and now he was going to be late to school. Alex tried his best to play it off.

"Sometimes daddy accidentally sleeps in, sorry kid."

"Daddy, please you never sleep in… and whenever you do you get all mad and, like, kind of grumpy and yell-y, but this morning you slept in and you were all happy and smiley like when the time papi first came over when you said you weren't boyfriends, but then you _were_ boyfriends."

Smart kid, I chuckled as we crossed the street.

"I don't know what to tell you, bud. I guess I was just really sleepy."

"You should go to bed earlier."

Alex poked him on the nose, "I was working and there's no one to carry _me_ home."

"Papi could carry you, he's really strong."

"But then who would carry you?" Alex countered.

I roared playfully and grabbed Philip in a football hold and then hoisted Alex to my hip like a bad imitation of Tarzan and Jane.

"See, daddy! He's strong!" Philip squealed in delight.

I set them both back on the ground, ignoring the _fucking New York_ faces people on their way to work were making from down the street.

"I can't believe you just did that." Alex shook his head with a smirk.

"Well, had to prove just how strong I am, right, turtle?"

"The strongest." He flexed a bicep.

I squeezed his arm, "second strongest guy."

"I want to pick you up, papi!" He wrapped his arms around my thighs and lifted as hard as he could.

With a hand balancing on Alex's shoulder, I rose to my tip toes and gasped, "whoa! You're so strong!"

He let go and dropped back to my heels.

"Daddy, did you see how strong I am that I picked up Papi? I picked up the strongest guy in the whole world."

"Omnipotence paradox," Alex mumbled.

"What's that, daddy?"

"Um… philosophy. It's a question people ask. Can an all powerful God make something so heavy that even he can't lift it? Can he make a stone so great that can't be lifted, or in his omnipotence is he strong enough to lift anything?"

"That's weird, it makes my brain hurt." Philip wiped his eyes.

"Me too, daddy's just over there being a genius again." I agreed with him.

"Yeah, 'cause if you're the strongest guy, then my daddy's definitely the smartest guy."

"He's way smart. Smarter than me."

"Oh, please, you're both smart." Alex rolled his eyes at us.

"Have a good day at school, turtle," I squeezed Philip's shoulder as we arrived at the brick building.

"I will. Love you, papi," he hugged me and turned to hug Alex, "love you, daddy."

"Bye, Pip, love you." We echoed, waving to his teacher.

Alex lit a cigarette once we rounded the corner, his nerves creeping in.

"What's up, sugar?" I asked, stroking the back of his hand with my thumb.

"Just don't know where to start with the show. I… it's a lot. I don't know how to start."

"Well, you already started, you wrote a whole musical… I think that definitely counts as a solid beginning. You decided to go to production, so I think that counts too. I've never put on a show before, but I'm pretty sure the next step is me taking you to breakfast."

"That sounds about right." He leaned his head into my shoulder.

"And then you talk to Laf. I know you know what to do, you were his right hand man in getting this show put on."

"You're right. I think I was just really preoccupied then, I forgot a lot of it."

"I'm here this time, I'll help."

He took a long drag off the cigarette and looked at the ground.

I sighed, "you weren't talking about Pip were you?"

He just shook his head.

 _ **Fucking.**_

 _ **Thomas.**_

"Baby, darlin', sugar, 'mere," I swallowed him up in the biggest hug I could, "it's okay, Alex, I've got you."

"Just… last time I was working on getting a show together… it was… different."

"Goddamn right it was different, this time, you've got a partner, you've got a papi for Philip. I will be there."

"I know. I know. Just… I'm just so lucky."

I guided him into the diner and we took our seat in the corner booth. Alex pulled a notebook out of his satchel and started looking through scattered old notes. I pulled the notebook away and set it on the booth sensing his mania percolating.

"Not now, babe, right now, we take the first step and we enjoy breakfast."

He nodded again, "okay, okay, you're right."

"I know. Now let's get you some food."

"And coffee." He kissed me.

"That goes without saying."

Morning breakfast dates were always the best, we talked a little bit about the show, but mostly about other things, he brought up his dad, wondering if running his own show would be too vulnerable. I didn't have very much in the way of advice to offer, but he couldn't keep hiding from the man forever.

When the ticket was paid, we strolled into work and I kissed Alex, offering him a vote of confidence as he went to go find Lafayette.


End file.
